The Old Tin Shed

Hi all I know a lot of my stuff has a dark edge but I think this one is a little different.  I actually pondered this on the way back from the city this afternoon. As far as I know we are all Mortal and do not know the time or date of our lives.  So I pondered this question today.  What if you somehow found out when you were going to die? What would you prioritize as the most important things to do? This is not a simple question to be asking, I found the more I pondered the more and more my ideas narrowed, until it came down to just  a couple of things.  Now I am going no where near religion here I am talking about practical more than spiritual things. So here is my short list. (1) Tell my mother I love her despite her flaws, and make sure she understood what I wanted when I was gone. (2) Tell my partner how much I love him and make love and sleep in each others arms (3) Tell my closest two friends how much they have meant to me over the years (4) Cry...

Life and death are the beginning and the end its what we do in between that matters

Hi all, sorry long time between posts but hey go shoot me. Anyway wanted to wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a Happy and safe new year. My life mills on as it always does, I find sometimes im ok and sometimes im not.  Its not easy being me, its not easy to live my life.  Little things get to me and people go out of their way at times to make things hard.  But in the end it will hurt them worse because thats how KAMA works. I'm worried, I'm always worried it seems, I think I have a big project going on in Jan so just have to get it over the line.  It will be hard work but I think the outcomes will be fantastic.  It will also allow me some breathing space when its done.  I don't like this time of the year for a lot of reasons but primarily it sees the end of my up mood from the BP, usually in early to mid Jan I fall into the depressed sate of the illness.  I find that I am paralyzed with no ability to move forward or back during this stag...

Hi all; Been a while since I posted, last you heard of me I was pretty down and unwell, the down bits gone but the glandular fever has not.  It knocked me on my ass last night and that was not pleasant.  Im unwell today been sleeping on and off without realizing it all day. Tomorrow hope to finish a quote and organize a meeting.  With the end result being a go ahead next week to deliver a new network. My personal life has been funny my ex and I still talk a lot mainly about him and his problems, we have now completely separated which had to happen, I could not keep him reliant on me and the other way around.  My new friend yes I said friend is meaning more and more to me each day but there will be no moving in before the end of the lease here. Now this may shock a few of you but we are talking about using ECT on me to give me a break from the meds.  Yes this is a treatment that I have actively campaigned against in the past but some recent breakthroughs ...

Hi; You know I have had a lot of work this past month, and I am paying the price as they say, my mental condition was aggravated, by the long hours of stress.  But I think it has been worth it.  I have managed to invoice over $3K this month my biggest month in 5 years, and next month will be bigger. I face some challenges ahead though, the next step is a complete network redesign for the client and I have been working hard to get that under control, its worth some good coin to me, and even better a good ongoing income doing the support. To top this off, have been asked to do other works by other new customers so things might finally be paying off for me.  The question still remains as to if I can sustain the stress that comes with it. Away from work, I have found a new way to wake up in the morning, I stumble down stairs turn the kettle on and make a hot cup of earl gray tea with milk and sugar.  I then come upstairs open the curtains and watch Castle hill as...

Hey all, Yes don't all faint and fall over two posts close together.  You see I have felt the need to start writing again, im able to put my thoughts and actions into words.  Words are interesting things, they convey emotions intent, and allows us to communicate knowledge and disinformation. They have the power to build and to create destruction on a scale that effects all humanity. In my world, I use words to convey meaning and I try not to use them as weapons.  Although that is made impossible at times by others actions.  Case in point was today my ex was handed his car back after 12 weeks at the repairer.  To say they job was shit would be the understatement.  My ex stormed off and left me to argue the point.  Which I did very very well at.  But it made me take stock of how others actions can make or break a day. The assessor who was quite happy with the finish on the car failed to understand that the car was a European and made and b...

Ok to be fair to those who are a little squeamish about guys having sex amongst other things I suggest that you bail on this post. Ok its been a while since I posted, there has been a lot going on.  I split with my partner moved house got a new car and sent myself broke for 8 weeks. So in all just a couple of things. Loving my own place, being able to do things as I want to not worried about what other people think its been great.  I have missed the money but that all ends this pay all of the large debts will be gone :) Just the little ones and that leaves me with money to get the extras. Now I have been a fairly private guy when it comes to my love life or lack there of.  To be honest me and my ex were more friends the last two years than lovers.  Sex on average once every 12 months well need I say any more.  So its meant that I have enjoyed being single, I have hooked up and had fun with a big group of guys now and I have a nice reputation that goes wi...

Well its been a few days since I posted.  A lot has happened to be recently and to be honest I havent had the mental energy to sit and tell you anything. My relationship with my partner of 5 years is over.  We had drifted apart, we are still friends and I hope it to remain that way.  There has not been an argument or a fight just a realization that we were no longer in love with each other.  For me he distance emotionally and lack of intimacy was in the end to much.  For him he felt I had gotten to needy on both those things.  So the impasse was not resolved. So its an ending, yet another one in my life but we will both be better off for it, and I can stop walking around on egg shells every time he comes home.  The reality of it all has started to hit home from his side this past couple days.  He is slowly getting shut out of my daily life, and he is finding that hard to deal with.  I have been out a lot these last weeks, partly because...

Its been a very stressful 24 hours and I am not joking on that front, more car related issues and only 4 days before I must take it on a 6000km journey.  Its called cutting it fine. But today’s post isn’t about that, its about Regrets.   You see as I have gotten older and had this illness longer things that I had forgotten are slowly creeping back.  At best I cringe at worst, im terrified of what I did.  You see out of control I could and would do just about anything. I wish somehow I could break from the shackles of these memories to erase them.  To take away the hurt I feel about them and the embarrassment I caused myself in the process.  Whoever said they could live their lives with no regrets is a far better person than me. Now I know a lot of what went on was my illness and not the real me, but it scares me that it happened at all.  I want to distance myself from them but at the same time I understand that they are part of ...

Hi all, warning this may end up long.   Then again that seems to be theme with me of late.  I was trolling through my past posts and noticed with great pride that my most popular posts were about my struggle with mental illness.   It seems that others have been reading and in the end that is exactly why I bear my soul here. http://theoldtinshed.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/to-see-into-darkness.html  Above is one of my favorite posts and, has been read a lot by others.  Some of the themes in there I wanted to elaborate on today.  You see the darkness I talk about is not a quantitative thing.  To others it would be a nice place.  But to me its a place that scares me, where the insecurities and evil intent live. Its never a nice place to go or to see.  I have stared at myself in the mirror and what I saw churning beneath the blue eyes really scares me.  If I let it run, if I gave in the fight the outcome for me would not be goo...

Sorry to all I have been a little lapsed in my posting, I seem to go through these periods, but that doesn't mean that I have forgotten about you all.  I was actually sitting down to write this about a week ago, but as life does it got in the way. Well we are in the lead up to Christmas, with it being exactly 1 month away now.  Once again my thoughts turn to buying presents for those that mean the most to me.  Its been a long year in a lot of ways, for me it has been hard.  My illness took a very big turn for the worse in the first half of the last year, and I still haven't returned to the place I was before that.  Such is the nature of the illness, so now I cope using the skills I have learned over the last nearly ten years and work for a solution that will keep me safe for another day. Sleep is still a key factor in my ability to cope with everything, and I have found that I am coping better thanks to a new more rigid time frame for sleep. ...

Hey all, I know recently I have been sounding more militant than usual.  I think because I feel like the system isn't working even for me.  I have had a gut full of my school, I am so over it I am contemplating withdrawing for good on Monday.  I have such a sour taste in the mouth from last semester and although I have tried to convince myself its not that bad.  It actually is. To top this off, I have been working with a customer towards a couple of solutions for them that they might be able to take, to be told point blank I was too expensive last week.  Yet I know that I am a good $6k a year cheaper than what they had. So I feel nothing wants to go my way that I am going to be forever stuck on this ride.  I have had some thoughts about the business and the backup and going to see if I cant re-start the advertising and use web with some local based stuff to give a better kick off but I am unsure of if I can even afford to do that right now. Im at a cr...

Have been playing around with some images and making A3 posters for my wall, thought I would share a couple with you.  Its best to click and full size these... blogger does not like it when I make them extra large it does not fit on the template properly   Part of Charlie Chaplin s Speech in the movie The Dictator

You know sometimes it doesnt matter how many DVD's you have, how many digital movies on the NAS or how many hundreds of TV chanels, there is just nothing worth watching. Hence my delima today.  I just sat here and watch the first 5 minutes of 4 different films.  I could study I suppose but not in the mood for that.  Was thinking about washing the car shortly that should give me something to do in the immediate future. Not sure why I am like that today.  I could realistically replace the rear brakes on my car but again that would require effort.  What I really feel like doing is going to Supercheap Auto and having a look around, been a while since I have done that. But its now to late in the day for that.  Will make a dinner shake shortly I suppose and sit a dumb out to Cops since I have every episode ever made. I find I tend to get like this a bit when dieting, you see normally I would stuff myself with something while watching TV or a movie now I don...

Yeah well im down in Brisbane again for school, and after a very frustrating 10 weeks all in our class finally got clarification on what we were supposed to be learning.  In all again a worthwhile trip but the financial cost is becoming significant thank god im not back her for another 2 months. I have been very introspective this evening, about me and my place in the world.  But more importantly how by doing this study that I become something far more than just me.  The power of counselling and of any psychological science is to enable the individual concerned.  Whether that be by helping them through blockages in their own psychological makeup or helping them by providing services like emergency housing.  In short you get to make a difference. So why should I be introspective?  That is complicated, but in short because I now realize that everyone who has been part of my treatment over the past 8 years has had a passion about service delivery.  Ea...

Yeah that's right when does it happen?  When does the world full of conman and thieves give up their trade and leave the rest of us alone.  When do the people in my life leave me alone and not demand things of my I could not possibly supply. In the end it will be me laying on the bed lifeless taken the pills that were needed to get me there. Its no ones fault just my own for ever thinking I could reach outside my safety dome,  Really dumb and stupid thing to do considering my current level of existence.. death whispers in my ear that it can come take all of this away. tonight he wins that game night all Edit:   It was another bad night, been having way to many of them as of late, all brought on by stress.  I just want out of this existence (not a life) that I am enduring again.  Im not happy at all, not even remotely so.   I just want away somewhere where I can start again, I have so many reasons to be happy but none of them are my reaso...

Hi all; You probably all noticed my absence yes it happened again, I vanished into the great interwebs.  No but really, I have been busy getting things done.  We were going away today to the southern states, but a few things have changed and we wont be going.  Both my partner and I have trips to Brisbane in the next two months for school and that realistically will be the end of any journey we wanted to take for pleasure. But I have been busy installing the 40th birthday present as each group of parts arrived, had a couple of hiccups, I blew one amp to kingdom come, it was nearly on fire by the time I cut the power.  This afternoon I finally got everything hooked up and running, have front and rear running even if it is a little unbalanced.  The head unit has an issue with left RCA output, ie there is none, so working with the supplier to work out a solution. To be honest with you all I am proud of this achievement, its tidy and done properly, all wires ar...

Hi all; So I turned the big 40 today, had a fantastic day to be honest, bit of a hiccup at the end but nothing to change my mood.  I have had some time to reflect now it is the wee hours of the morning, and I am pondering if there was a moment in my life and I could capture it and stay there for as long as I liked, when and what would it be. I think its different for everyone, and as unique individuals who live and grow over time, I think that chosen moment would change as well. For me there are two moments in my life that if I could have again I would.  One was the hell drive over the hills around my old home, it was white knuckled sheer terror and thrill all in one.  I felt so alive every nerve on end.  The second moment that I wish I could have again wasn't just a moment but several hours as I listened to my grandfather tell me about his life. So tonight I go to bed to sleep, knowing that life will go on and the world will continue to t...

Hi all; This post has been a long time in coming, lots of things have changed in my life since I first wrote this blog and it has been a mish mash of different topics and things that were going on in my life.  Importantly it allowed me to share with others my journey with mental illness. To that end I feel the blog has been a success, although we haven't had many comments we have consistently had lots of readers.  For me its been fun, and at times a stress relief when things haven't been the greatest, my greatest satisfaction came from the fact I knew I was helping someone. Right now I have a ton on my plate, with school, having to shift and everything coming together at once.  I feel massively overloaded by it all, but realize that deep down this is what I wanted.  I don't want the chance to contemplate to much, I just want to do and get it done. Just over 3 weeks ago now I stopped the diet, when the stress o...

You know I have been sitting here tonight after the last post, taking stock of my life and what I want for myself and my future.  The last couple weeks have been a bit of a watershed for me. You see normally I don't do much for me, I normally get the greatest satisfaction helping others, but this diet has made me see things in a completely different light.  To look at me in a way that I haven't since my late teens early 20's.  Back then I was a well built man blond hair blue eyes and a smile that would melt the hardest heart.  As I have stated things changed for me, and I just went into hiding. What do I mean by that ?  I mean I no longer wanted to be seen for what I was, I was hiding a big secret and that secret was enough to make me not care what happened to me or how I looked.  I grew a beard when that wasn't fashionable and disappeared into food. The diet has made me rethink how I see who I am, I want to be seen a...