The Old Tin Shed

You know there is a point in every relationship, friendship that lasts a long time, when he or she will commit the ultimate sin.  For some people its when a friend talks out of school how big her friends butt was on Sat night in the new dress. For me I wish it was that simple.  I shrink away from having to many people in my life.  Why?  because they are all a waste of time and emotion in the end.  They will give up and walk out after telling me 1000 times they wont. Its never that simple either, betrayal goes both ways and betraying someone leaving them in the lurch is never a nice thing to do.  Simply people around me betrayed me so I betrayed everyone to justify the hurt and the pain I was experiencing. My biggest betrayal is still people telling others about my MI without asking me first.  It makes it difficult from that point forward to trust that person till I have spoken with them,  and around and around it goes. Am I overly paranoid...

One of the biggest things I deal with daily is paranoia.  Now its not the tin foil hat type the governments watching me.  I know that bits true thanks to Mr Snowden and co.  Its about how I interpret things.  An example of something simple.  Was at the supermarket tonight, I always try and go through the same girl, I find her pleasant and she has always got a friendly smile.  I will often wait a little longer so I can go through her register.  Well tonight as I was walking up she closed her register.  Now a normal person would see that as something simple like she is going on a break or going home.  But to my paranoid mind, its part of a pattern.  A pattern of people not wanting to be around me.  So next thing I am checking my phone to see when last people called me. It escalates from there to sending those I havent heard from this week a text message, trying to find out if I had done something wrong. One thing sets of anoth...

Hi all, warning this may end up long.   Then again that seems to be theme with me of late.  I was trolling through my past posts and noticed with great pride that my most popular posts were about my struggle with mental illness.   It seems that others have been reading and in the end that is exactly why I bear my soul here. http://theoldtinshed.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/to-see-into-darkness.html  Above is one of my favorite posts and, has been read a lot by others.  Some of the themes in there I wanted to elaborate on today.  You see the darkness I talk about is not a quantitative thing.  To others it would be a nice place.  But to me its a place that scares me, where the insecurities and evil intent live. Its never a nice place to go or to see.  I have stared at myself in the mirror and what I saw churning beneath the blue eyes really scares me.  If I let it run, if I gave in the fight the outcome for me would not be goo...

Its been a tough couple of weeks for me, a lot of things that I don't want to discuss here have had me tied up in knots. In the end it will all be over by the weekend and will allow this end of the world to return to some form of normality.  Im heading to be early tonight with the goal tomorrow of actually cleaning my office and sorting out clothes that fit and those that don't.  5 more sleeps and normality returns to my life for a while.  In the end I know everyone has bad days I just seem to have more than most.  I think I due to the psych later in the week and man are we going to have an interesting discussion. I find people are so cruel to me.  They say all the right words about understanding mental illness but when it comes down to it they don't.  Words like suck it up, get more treatment I got better why cant you yous just lazy.  What pisses me off no end is 9 times out of 10 these are people who think having situational depression is the s...

Yeah well im down in Brisbane again for school, and after a very frustrating 10 weeks all in our class finally got clarification on what we were supposed to be learning.  In all again a worthwhile trip but the financial cost is becoming significant thank god im not back her for another 2 months. I have been very introspective this evening, about me and my place in the world.  But more importantly how by doing this study that I become something far more than just me.  The power of counselling and of any psychological science is to enable the individual concerned.  Whether that be by helping them through blockages in their own psychological makeup or helping them by providing services like emergency housing.  In short you get to make a difference. So why should I be introspective?  That is complicated, but in short because I now realize that everyone who has been part of my treatment over the past 8 years has had a passion about service delivery.  Ea...

Well today is a day that I have both dreaded and wished for.  Contradiction no.  I have wished for better medication, but dread what it means.  You see I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that I would do everything in my power to get better, to become some kind of "normal".  I hate that word, because no one is normal, yet it fits what I am trying to say. Part of this journey I have undertaken is a constant change of medications.  Its been a hard road many days to sick to even be awake. But my life and my ability to live have benefited greatly for it.  Yes there have been some steps back, but that is to be expected. Not every drug is going to work for me, such is the state of psychiatric drug therapy. So tonight I stand on the precipice again. I am willing taking a risk with my life, I am going to make myself unwell in the hope that a new medication will make my life better again.  Its a hard choice, at my doctors today we went ove...

Well that really depends on who you are and where in the world you live.  But to the WHO its a pandemic. A world wide pandemic, could see death on a scale not equaled in human history.  There are several virus mutations that could go airborne that would cause carnage on that sort of scale.  Bird flu, and its many variations could prove to be fatal and easily transported.  Reality is our health system simply would collapse under the strain of a pandemic and people will die, not just in 5 and 10's but in the millions.  The spanish flu is a classic example of the death one could cause. The one that has me losing sleep would be a version of ebola.  That is one nasty piece of work with a deadly mortality rate. So how do we protect ourselves ?  The answer is we cant and we don't.  Anything that is airborne has the potential to move rapidly through populations, normally by the time its discovered many are already infected. So what do we...

This is going to be one of those meandering posts I have from time to time. I went and saw my psychiatrist today, him and I get on very well.  Our conversations often cross over into mental health theory and treatments.  I recently watched an interview on the ABC about torture and how it effects people.  I ended up coming home with several periodicals and photocopies from reference materials. Its quite funny but i know should he and I ever sit down outside the office we would have the most amazing discussions. So how does this relate to the title of the post.  John made a comment of seeing the damage war and torture do.  We discussed a tipping point, a single event that before that people were normal and after that point are forever damaged.  I made the comment then comes the blackness. For the first time in 4 years I actually started to cry in his office.  Without realizing it I had unsettled myself.  You see...

A little while back I made a post about Stephen Fry and his speech on New Years Eve. He has a documentary on the subject and I strongly suggest that if you havent watched it you do.  Its a wonderful piece that shows with great tenderness and open brutal honesty, what it is like to be Bipolar,  It sets out to and achieves its aim on showing the viewer what it is really like to have the illness and the day to day struggles for those with it and those around them Please take the time, I am more than sure you will enjoy this documentary Secret Life of A Manic Depressive

Warning Heavy Rambling Post but please read The more and more I live with this illness I have begun to understand that you do some extraordinary things to just cope with the things that happen to you.  Some days its just enough to know that tomorrow wont be the same as today. Sunrise another reason to make it through the night To live each moment without having plans for the future.  A future that may never be.  I have spent days inside my own head unable to escape to be part of the world around me.  I have to prick myself to make me bleed so I can break away from the thoughts and the trap I set for myself.  I don't mean self harm I mean I may listen to music or even read something that I know will evoke a mental reaction.  Normally to make me cry. You say your insane why would you intentionally make yourself upset.  Because if I don't I cant break free of the mental stress, the fixation the devastation...