The Old Tin Shed

This is one of the hardest of all questions that we as humans can ask of ourselves.  Some people spend a life time in deep spiritual contemplation seeking the answer to this very question. Now not to take from those people but inside us all is the answer to that question.  Whether or not we like the answer is a different story.  nearly 15 years ago now I looked to see who I was and what I saw scared me, I attempted to make changes to change that person.  In hindsight it was a terrible time of my life to be doing it and it was a contributing factor to my breakdown. More recently I have looked again and seen someone completely different, this person is broken yes and at times wants his life to end.  But he is kinder, cares about others more than himself, and has finally found the thing he had hoped he would find.  A person who cares about the truth above everything else.  I don't suffer fools or liars well.  I accept people for who they are but ...

I have been away for quite a while now, I haven't forgotten this place, but I needed to find some things out on my own without the crutch of this site.  I have made some very good posts here in the past and I am proud of the volume of work that I created. But I look back, and realise how much I enjoyed the act of writing.  Writing has been a great stabilising effect on me and my life ever since high school.  I write short stories in my spare time, and they have enabled me to explore thoughts whims and serious topics that are close to my own heart. Since we last spoke I have added some ink to my skin, despite what everyone who doesn't like tattoos I love what I have done.  I have never been normal, I am not normal and this is just a  way to make me not look like every other fat bald 40+ something year old.   Plus I have always wanted ink just could never make up my mind what I wanted.  I have 3 pieces I think each shows a side of my pe...

Hi reader; Today isn't great, woke up this way.  Everything feels black even the sun.  I hear the dog's baying for my soul to devour it here in the blackness.  They want to take it all away to make me not exist, to make me a marked one. I have no defense against this, this overwhelming feeling,  I have no way of defending myself about the dark beasts that bay for my destruction.  Its dark hear and the pain unbearable, suicide has been on my mind since I rose.  But I don't think I have the guts to follow through. Makes me feel even more gutless and worthless than I already do. I hate what this does to me another part of me dies today, its worse than death by 1000 cuts. I wonder if I will ever leave this room even today, because right now the idea of going out scares me to death. Horse

Hi all, warning this may end up long.   Then again that seems to be theme with me of late.  I was trolling through my past posts and noticed with great pride that my most popular posts were about my struggle with mental illness.   It seems that others have been reading and in the end that is exactly why I bear my soul here. http://theoldtinshed.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/to-see-into-darkness.html  Above is one of my favorite posts and, has been read a lot by others.  Some of the themes in there I wanted to elaborate on today.  You see the darkness I talk about is not a quantitative thing.  To others it would be a nice place.  But to me its a place that scares me, where the insecurities and evil intent live. Its never a nice place to go or to see.  I have stared at myself in the mirror and what I saw churning beneath the blue eyes really scares me.  If I let it run, if I gave in the fight the outcome for me would not be goo...

Firstly let me say that what is below was written by me about 5 days before my mental breakdown, that started my journey.  It was posted on a blog at the time, one I have left abandoned, partly to leave that time of my life behind, but also because what was written there was part of my soul that was in anguish and its to easy to re-live those feelings. Now I know in the wake of the last couple of posts that you guys might be getting worried about me.  Yeah I am still hurting and parts of me want to save this but my head says no.  I am in no immediate danger of hurting myself, I am re- posting this to let others know that they are not alone when it comes to mental pain.  Where it was originally posted I had over 500 comments. HERE IS YOUR WARNING THIS IS NOT NICE, IT COULD BE UPSETTING TO SOME PEOPLE, IM NOT JOKING AROUND HERE.  IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES THIS MAY NOT BE FOR YOU TURN BACK NOW. I don't want to wake tomorrow I...