The Old Tin Shed

Tonight we hear the terrible news of bodies being found in yet another Asian aircraft disaster.  It has been a bad year with the loss of so many aircraft.  As the year comes to a close, my thoughts turn to the families and the heartache and feelings of loss they must all be feeling. I hope that they can retrieve all of those who were lost this time, and take them back to their families and friends for a proper goodbye.  I just hope for the victims it was over before they realised what was going on.  I cant think of anything worse then spending my last moments in pure terror. I also hope we learn, learn about what brought this latest aircraft down, but more importantly what we can do different in the future to ensure that this never happens again. Peace to all Horse

I have kept out of this till now, but I can no longer be quiet.  I am calling for the release of the Aljazeera journalists held in Egypt on trumped up charges. It is never ever acceptable to jail or target those who try to bring about the news and information about the things that need reporting.  Without them our information is distorted at best 365 days and counting.  We cannot stand by, we cannot watch, we must act, we must talk out.  Get these innocent men freed Horse

Im not great today, trigger by events from yesterday, im so angry I dont know how to cope.  Im turning the hatred on myself, because it must be my fault, that it happened. After all I am supposed to be the smart on the one people fear in board rooms, where I can dismantle the most complex stories and show the true meaning behind things.  This gift this ability comes from the illness and I pay for it.  I am sick of taking meds, I think after 10 years I get the right to say that, even though they have paved a better way of life for me, there are times I think I would have been better not being treated at all. I quite simply dont want to be here because yet again when I went to get my medications from the drug store they were denied me.  It was a med I can not do without full stop.  I got it in the end at another drug store but it should never have gotten that far.  I am crippled without my meds and now mentally im crippled when I go to get them expecting them to turn me down. I see

Hi all, sorry long time between posts but hey go shoot me. Anyway wanted to wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a Happy and safe new year. My life mills on as it always does, I find sometimes im ok and sometimes im not.  Its not easy being me, its not easy to live my life.  Little things get to me and people go out of their way at times to make things hard.  But in the end it will hurt them worse because thats how KAMA works. I'm worried, I'm always worried it seems, I think I have a big project going on in Jan so just have to get it over the line.  It will be hard work but I think the outcomes will be fantastic.  It will also allow me some breathing space when its done.  I don't like this time of the year for a lot of reasons but primarily it sees the end of my up mood from the BP, usually in early to mid Jan I fall into the depressed sate of the illness.  I find that I am paralyzed with no ability to move forward or back during this stage.  I hope like hell i

How can it be that you are right in front of me, How can it be, because I saw the life extinguish from your eyes, How can it be, when tendon sinew and bone were shattered. You are as beautiful as I remember, how can it be your here in front of me How can it be I watch your lips move but cant hear what you are saying How can it be seeing your face feels like home, How can it be that your presence makes the panic I feel go How can it be your light makes me feel loved and appreciated How can it be that when I reach for you your gone How can it be this is just another goodbye How can it be this distance I cannot surmount I awake from the dream fully crying at my deep loss I ask how can it be you would answer because I love you One day we will be together again, each dream and moment is precious I love you to Horse

Hi all; Been a while since I posted, last you heard of me I was pretty down and unwell, the down bits gone but the glandular fever has not.  It knocked me on my ass last night and that was not pleasant.  Im unwell today been sleeping on and off without realizing it all day. Tomorrow hope to finish a quote and organize a meeting.  With the end result being a go ahead next week to deliver a new network. My personal life has been funny my ex and I still talk a lot mainly about him and his problems, we have now completely separated which had to happen, I could not keep him reliant on me and the other way around.  My new friend yes I said friend is meaning more and more to me each day but there will be no moving in before the end of the lease here. Now this may shock a few of you but we are talking about using ECT on me to give me a break from the meds.  Yes this is a treatment that I have actively campaigned against in the past but some recent breakthroughs using micro voltages and

A wondering I wll go You know when your sick, the fever sick the one that overheats the brain and you have physical breakdown.  Two of those this weeks. 4 times I have woken up saying where am I to answer off im still there then.  Then off into random dreams. This is the second time with glandular fever this bad.  I think its ironic but hey thats the flat aussie humor.  Reality is im really unwell and have to take it easily so thats that I will be doing. Horse

Feel like crap, physically, and mentally im in a black hole.  I cant type properly which is causing me no end of grief.  Sometimes its never to have been born thats how I feel today and everything that goes with that. THe MI makes everything worse than it has to be, but it does not give you the means to ignore it. BP sux Horse

Got paid this morning paid all the bills have not a cent left.  Clients owe me money and I have a quote to finish which should bring in money in a couple weeks, But been feeling bad this week taken new anti-biotics since old ones don't work any more, see if they can knock down the cold.  But I just want to not be here today.  I dont want to be breathing I dont want to be even typing this.  Im taking stilnox already taken a valium. Hope I wake in a better state of mind Horse

Hi reader; Today isn't great, woke up this way.  Everything feels black even the sun.  I hear the dog's baying for my soul to devour it here in the blackness.  They want to take it all away to make me not exist, to make me a marked one. I have no defense against this, this overwhelming feeling,  I have no way of defending myself about the dark beasts that bay for my destruction.  Its dark hear and the pain unbearable, suicide has been on my mind since I rose.  But I don't think I have the guts to follow through. Makes me feel even more gutless and worthless than I already do. I hate what this does to me another part of me dies today, its worse than death by 1000 cuts. I wonder if I will ever leave this room even today, because right now the idea of going out scares me to death. Horse

Hi all; Todays question relates to customers, who tell you they want very specific things but when you quote them the cost they have a heart attack.  Case in point.  Customer has a digital IP CCTV system installed. Its .5mp very average image quality.  client says needs to be crystal clear,  I quote crystal clear but thats to expensive. Now this isnt just related to this customer its related to a lot of customers, I always encourage them to look for what they want online then come to me.  But it seems they see what they want and think that I can magically make them 30% cheaper.  Its damn frustrating especially when you quoting time is getting shorter by the day. I love IT but I hate this shit, then the whole issue of getting paid on time and the list simply goes on and on. Now to be fair, IT is confusing even for me at times, but for a customer not to know what they require then ask me to work that out for them worries me a lot.  Not because I cant quote the right equipment but

Hey all, just a quick note im, no longer single seeing a lovely guy who is also BP, we get on great right now and I hope it continues. Back for a real post tomorrow Horse

Just watched the end of the day, and the coming of the night.  I havent been great today things have meant I medicated and slept most of it.  Even now I feel the influence of the medications.  I love this time of day, after the light changes and the sky turns dark. I feel surrounded, enveloped, its its completeness.  I have no lights on just the computer screen casting long sharp shadows around the room and on me.  I'm not frightened here, it feels safe, clam and more importantly less stressful than the light.  This isnt the darkness within but the darkness without.  The darkness I walk into away from the fire at night in the dessert, solitude, safety and most importantly the end of the daylight I need to break the dark now, much to my dispair, as its time to eat dinner watch the news and settle in for the night.  But remember the darkness is every bit as important as the light

Meds taken, drugs taking effect nearly time to sleep.  I love this feeling the feeling of being halfway there, lucid enough to think tired enough to imagine.  For me its a mystical time each day, though it lasts for just minutes, I wonder if its what it would feel like at the rapture. Godnight dear reader, I hope you sleep when you get it will be deep and soul replenishing, for now the words ends, but tomorrow, yes tomorrow is another day

Before I start this, I just want to make sure that everyone understands this is my view of the world, my view of humanity.  I don't expect you to agree with me, in fact I would like this to open a dialogue that allows you to form your own opinion on the matter.  I have not taken the formulation of this blog post lightly and has taken several days in fact to bring together concepts and ideas.  Otherwise I hope you enjoy. How to open, this has been a debate for me for several days now, but I decided to start at the start, the very beginning of what we know of human beings. Unlike our ape cousins we stood up, in doing so we changed everything, we were omnivores that allowed us to take advantage of multiple food sources during the seasons and in different parts of the world.  But we had something else, the opposing thumb, it allowed us to use tools, and in doing so our brain evolved.  As man got more successful we did something that no other species on earth has done success

Thanks everyone for reading makes my day to know that you have dropped by. Horse

I wish I  could I wish I could reach down inside and flick that switch and turn everything nice for me. its been tough.  I have been sad a long time, and more recently I am beginning to user stand why. When I was younger I work for the RFS as a volunteer we were told we would not deal with car accidents just fires.  LIARS.  In twelve months we attended 19 fatalities.  That takes its toll.  Walking down a free way pickup up arms feet fingers.  Lumps of skin you have no idea who they belong to.  And the overpowering sickening smell of alcohol I am permanently damaged from those days, the ones I remember are the ones that took their last breath in my arms nightmares are filled with their images. I dont bang on about it here but please remember there is a man who has to pick up you and your loved one's body parts, remember that some police officer has to make a trip to your house and wake you loved ones to tell them you died on a highway or road tonight.  In the instant of the ac

As the title suggests I don't want to be here any more tonight.  Its time to take meds and allow sleep to take the sad away.  Will be taking the jagged pill of course, but that sometimes makes things worse not better.  I dont have my boy to keep an eye on me, so I guess Im doing this on my own. I shouldnt be feeling this way but I am, im worried about my future and ultimately im worried about what happens next with me.  I have images in my head of people finding me laying on the top of the bed dead.  Me escaped the illness and life at the same time.  Its a feeling from my damaged soul, tonight I may want to sleep with the angels but will they want to sleep with me BP sucks.   Just the nightly dose happens every day how do you think it makes me feel to have to swallow all that.

Hi; You know I have had a lot of work this past month, and I am paying the price as they say, my mental condition was aggravated, by the long hours of stress.  But I think it has been worth it.  I have managed to invoice over $3K this month my biggest month in 5 years, and next month will be bigger. I face some challenges ahead though, the next step is a complete network redesign for the client and I have been working hard to get that under control, its worth some good coin to me, and even better a good ongoing income doing the support. To top this off, have been asked to do other works by other new customers so things might finally be paying off for me.  The question still remains as to if I can sustain the stress that comes with it. Away from work, I have found a new way to wake up in the morning, I stumble down stairs turn the kettle on and make a hot cup of earl gray tea with milk and sugar.  I then come upstairs open the curtains and watch Castle hill as the sun plays on i

I have awoken today to the News that sometime during my night last night one of the funniest and brightest sparks in the world took his own life.  The reports say he was battling debilitating depression.  I know I have shed more than a couple of tears for him today.  One because of the way he touched me in movies like Dead Poets society and because he just made me laugh as a stand up comedian.  An incredible man to us all, but the pain inside must have been to great. We will miss you Robin, I hope and pray you are laying them in the isles on the other side, and that you finally escaped the manic hell you were personally living.  RIP you will be sorely missed. Poor KoKo she now has someone else to mourn, this just breaks my heart Horse

Hey all, Yes don't all faint and fall over two posts close together.  You see I have felt the need to start writing again, im able to put my thoughts and actions into words.  Words are interesting things, they convey emotions intent, and allows us to communicate knowledge and disinformation. They have the power to build and to create destruction on a scale that effects all humanity. In my world, I use words to convey meaning and I try not to use them as weapons.  Although that is made impossible at times by others actions.  Case in point was today my ex was handed his car back after 12 weeks at the repairer.  To say they job was shit would be the understatement.  My ex stormed off and left me to argue the point.  Which I did very very well at.  But it made me take stock of how others actions can make or break a day. The assessor who was quite happy with the finish on the car failed to understand that the car was a European and made and built to a standard and that is why

Ok to be fair to those who are a little squeamish about guys having sex amongst other things I suggest that you bail on this post. Ok its been a while since I posted, there has been a lot going on.  I split with my partner moved house got a new car and sent myself broke for 8 weeks. So in all just a couple of things. Loving my own place, being able to do things as I want to not worried about what other people think its been great.  I have missed the money but that all ends this pay all of the large debts will be gone :) Just the little ones and that leaves me with money to get the extras. Now I have been a fairly private guy when it comes to my love life or lack there of.  To be honest me and my ex were more friends the last two years than lovers.  Sex on average once every 12 months well need I say any more.  So its meant that I have enjoyed being single, I have hooked up and had fun with a big group of guys now and I have a nice reputation that goes with that.  I have really

Woke up this morning wanting to talk to him, then the reality bit.  I do miss him a lot. Horse

Im being a bit naughty tonight, no its not yet another hookup for some blindness sex, its something way better. I have my bully staying the night, I will get cuddles and a tongue bath for a wake up in the morning, have a lead here so will walk her when I get up. Been struggling hard this past 4 days and John suggested that having her here might help me.  So although the complex allows dogs the land lord does not.  But for one night at least she can stay here. I have a really tight 6 weeks coming up, im kind of really down over it all.  Its the last of the hangover from the move and will I hope finish an end of having more expenses than income.  I have an advertising plan all sorted and costed just no money to do it.  Im going back to the way I built my first business and its a method that works. More importantly I helped a client make  a smart decision this week, he seems to have some confidence in me again and I hope that means I can make some more money off him along the line

Remember we are Americans Im not but you get the idea.  I love Regan, he changed the world for ever, but he never forgot the hero's those who gave their lives.  He was an interesting man and incredible president.  Its a shame we don't have him now.   Rest In Peace

" Im going to show you how great I am"

Queen at their very best; The movie that this was played in Other Queen Song From the Movie Trailer Lyrics for both songs QUEEN Who Wants To Live Forever Lyrics There's no time for us There's no place for us What is this thing that builds our dreams Yet slips away from us... Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever.....? There's no chance for us It's all been decided for us This world has only one sweet moment Set aside for us Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever.....? Who dares to love forever When love must die? But touch my tears with your lips Touch my world with your fingertips And we can't have forever And we can't love forever Forever is our today Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Forever is our today Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Forever is our today Who waits forever anyway...    Princes of the Universe Here we are, born to

Hey all; Sorry about the time between the last post and this one, but a lot has happened in my life not all of it fantastic but its happened anyway.  So lets get into the list. (1) My now ex and I split after 4 years, its been interesting to say the least, he has been immature in his actions and words.  I would like to stay friends but I see that as increasingly difficult to do.  I still have two computers out there which I hope to get next week all going well. The split was from both sides, we both saw it coming, just neither of us wanted to say it.  In the end it happened after he took the house key off my keys didnt tell me and left me locked out of the house in the heat.  I was coming down off the jagged pill so I let fly.  The straw that broke the camels back I suppose. As it sits we text every couple days, he has asked me to do things for him, and I have turned him down.  He is now seeing the true cost of me not being there.  I had to laugh readers when he rang me about t

Hi all; Firstly let me get you up to date.  Im now singe (look out guys here I come) and I now live alone.  Phil my ex and I have a very rocky friendship right now but thats ok.  He gets so jealous of me, and is trying to spend his way to happiness, something both myself and everyone else can see is destructive. One thing I have noticed as a constant is the amount of pills I consume, just took a second stilnox. My psychatrist said to take what i need so I have. In all I am in and happy Horse

Got the call Saturday, so pay deposit tomorrow and hope to move in this coming week :) will make me a happy man I can tell you. One draw back could take a week or two to get normal internet back on but have wireless option in the mean time should make getting online ok down there. Thanks for all the well wishes.  Also got some news about my car maybe being sold, and finance for another is now in place.  So car shopping I will go.  Not dead sure what I want just want something new a complete change for me. Horse

Tomorrow is a kind of make or break day for me.  So wish me luck, I hope tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life I am looking for. Horse

You all know what I have had to say on this topic, I have made posts about it all through the last years.  Freedom is always purchased in a single currency.  Blood.  Its hard to justify at times, but when our enemy will not give us an inch we should not give them one in return.  Its fight or fall and has always been that way. So my quote today is from a man I believe will go down in history as one of the greatest leaders the world has ever seen.  His own bravery in battle unquestioned and his die hard attitude changed for ever the destiny of one of the greatest countries in the world. "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream.  It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same." Ronald Reagan We must not forget, peace is fragile, it can be purchased by the chains of slavery or fought for and defended.  Despite what we might be told, we in the west are still the bes

Well its been a few days since I posted.  A lot has happened to be recently and to be honest I havent had the mental energy to sit and tell you anything. My relationship with my partner of 5 years is over.  We had drifted apart, we are still friends and I hope it to remain that way.  There has not been an argument or a fight just a realization that we were no longer in love with each other.  For me he distance emotionally and lack of intimacy was in the end to much.  For him he felt I had gotten to needy on both those things.  So the impasse was not resolved. So its an ending, yet another one in my life but we will both be better off for it, and I can stop walking around on egg shells every time he comes home.  The reality of it all has started to hit home from his side this past couple days.  He is slowly getting shut out of my daily life, and he is finding that hard to deal with.  I have been out a lot these last weeks, partly because I needed to feel like a man again, that I w

Hi, all not sure how this will come out but here goes. As mentioned I had a really bad incident a week or so ago now, and I am still paying the consequences for that.  I have developed a permanent tremor down my left side, and I haven’t eaten a full meal since.  Even a piece of toast comes back up. Spoke to my psychiatrist about it he thinks both are related to the meltdown.  You see no matter how well I manage the illness it can come back and bite me.  He says it is a testimate to me how well I have managed myself and my illness to go so long without this. I am still pulled apart, and im unsure how I go back together.  The truth of that night that morning is difficult to recant without showing a side of me that is painful.  But to do so I hope that I can help others cope with this. This all started out quite normally for me, the voices started mid afternoon and were in a particularly  bad mood with me, so around 7.00pm I took my normal meds and a jagged little pill.  Now I don

I have been home a week nearly now and to say I have been unwell mentally is an understatement.  But something happened on Tuesday night into Wednesday that has me on the verge of an extended stay in the psych ward. The long and the short of it I nearly died.  Its why that is complicated and the after affects have been devastating to me. It all started innocent enough.   I was exhausted and as such the voices were there giving me their version of my life.  I took xanax as a normnally do and went to bed.  THats the nornmal part of this story its what happened in the next 10 hours that changed me into a highly medicated person. I awoke some time in the morning with the voices so I went and took more xanax.  What I did not realise is during the next 45 mins I took another 4 full tablets.  (Yes thats enough to kill you) espeically since I had the night befores stll in the system.  I went to sleep and had this amazing dream about all the people that I loved who had passed on.  It was

Hi; Well last 48 hours havent been great and this morning I swsa struggling to hang on to my life.  I have had bad voices and this has led me to tale xanax.  I knew I had taken to much when my dream only had dead people in it. I became aware I wasn't breathing and what followed for me was the worst nightmare ever.  I tried in vain to get my body to roll over to make me breath.  All the times things in the dream asking me to stay not to go. There was both peace there and panic I was on the verge of death.  The fact I am sill talking at all right now is just chance. 1/2 milligram more and you would have heard about my funeral. Death nearly took me this morning and if I hadn't been aware im sure it wouild have. Im  a little shaken right now,not sure when I will talk about this in the real world but im shaken  thats for sure. Horse

OK, I made it bloody long trip.  Now before you read any further this is about the car, and my getting to the end of the BS its been doing of late. While I was away I took my car into the French car specialist in Melbourne.  They did a bang up job identifying my surging loss of power issues.  In searching for the problem they found that there was no fuel in the car although the guage read 1/4 or above.  They grabbed a reco unit and put it in tested it and it worked. Fast forward a week of driving around keeping the tank full.  The car ran amazingly all its power back etc etc etc.  Now today was a short hop a mere 750kms.  Working on what the car holds I knew I needed a splash and dash (quick fill up around 10ltrs).  This is where things get strange.  I let the gauge drop below half, about half way between 1/4 and 1/2 full.  I was coming into town and thought I had plenty of fuel.  That was until the first round about (traffic circle for you American readers).  I took it as speed be

Hi all; Well been away from home since my last post.  I have travelled over 3900kms and been to see a specialist in Ballarat.  I have had my car in for long awaited repairs that I could not get sorted at home, and I get to pick it up tomorrow. More importantly I havent killed mum, though I have been close.  I hope if I get paid early next week to head home to see my boys and my partner on Wednesday.  Hopefully with a car that is running on song and will be enjoyable to drive. In all should be a good week if I get paid on time if not... I will get grumpy and blast the client in only the way I know how lol. Hope your all doing well, mentally im ok but very very tired.  Been sleeping badly at night here not sure why, but I cant wait to get into my own bed. Catch u all later Horse

Well I leave at 6.00am I am as packed as I can get for now.  Nervous doesnt cut it to be honest. It will be good im sure, couple of days away from this house and everything I love, but I need the break more than I am probably going to admit while online, im sure the kms will glide by as I process my life for the past 12 months. I trust my car and my driving so wish me luck all.  I will blog along the way let you know where I am.  I look at this as the first day of a step towards dealing with my physcial health issues. See u all later

Its been an interesting day for me, I got my car back today and did some more work on it in preparation for the drive south. But I have had a strange day mentally.  Its like forgetfulness but not.  I would go to do something like get a drink and go to the pantry rather than the Fridge.  Its strange because once I do it I think well that was stupid and do it all over again. I even went for a lay down this afternoon, had a small sleep hoping it might fix it but it hasn’t.  Even typing this im all over the place with the letters.  Frustrating to say the least. Anyway, im sure after another 12 hours it will be all sorted again.  Amazing what a good night sleep will do

Hey all; Just noticed I passed 300 posts this past week, and I am very proud to say that the post I made for my 300th I am very proud of. Again thanks to all of you for reading sometimes its nice to know someone is. Horse

Its been a very stressful 24 hours and I am not joking on that front, more car related issues and only 4 days before I must take it on a 6000km journey.  Its called cutting it fine. But today’s post isn’t about that, its about Regrets.   You see as I have gotten older and had this illness longer things that I had forgotten are slowly creeping back.  At best I cringe at worst, im terrified of what I did.  You see out of control I could and would do just about anything. I wish somehow I could break from the shackles of these memories to erase them.  To take away the hurt I feel about them and the embarrassment I caused myself in the process.  Whoever said they could live their lives with no regrets is a far better person than me. Now I know a lot of what went on was my illness and not the real me, but it scares me that it happened at all.  I want to distance myself from them but at the same time I understand that they are part of who I am today, like it or not. I th

Hi reader; I intimated a few posts ago about the health issues I am now facing as I age, and the drugs start to wear on my body.  My weight doesnt help issues but considering the affects of the medications and the lack of motivation I have had I think I am doing pretty well.  On top of that so does the doctor he seems to think, that considering im doing fairly well. I am finally getting the major health issues caused by my sinus passages and nasal cavity seen to.  I have continual bad infections in those areas the material from that infection runs down my throat and causes very very bad infections in my throat.  In the past 12 months I have been on medication for the infection 9 times, all anti-biotic combinations of very very strong medications.  They make it go away for a week or so then its a downard spiral into being unwell and endless coughing. I was coughing so hard at one point that my stomach and rib muscles would cramp up.  I often coughed until I vomited.  So as