You know I have been sitting here tonight after the last post, taking stock of my life and what I want for myself and my future. The last couple weeks have been a bit of a watershed for me.
You see normally I don't do much for me, I normally get the greatest satisfaction helping others, but this diet has made me see things in a completely different light. To look at me in a way that I haven't since my late teens early 20's. Back then I was a well built man blond hair blue eyes and a smile that would melt the hardest heart. As I have stated things changed for me, and I just went into hiding.
What do I mean by that ? I mean I no longer wanted to be seen for what I was, I was hiding a big secret and that secret was enough to make me not care what happened to me or how I looked. I grew a beard when that wasn't fashionable and disappeared into food.
The diet has made me rethink how I see who I am, I want to be seen as someone who cares about his appearance, someone who cares about himself. The diet was the start of that, im now shaving daily for example, I watch what I eat on my eating days, I am avoiding sugar like you wont believe, and I am Ironing clothes (havent done that since the early 90's). I have been through and thrown out old clothes and have a budget to replace them.
This is all tied to the new me. I don't want to go back the way I was, you see doing these things that I once saw as a chore, is now seen as doing something good for me. Its funny you know, because I am succeeding in my diet I now feel I can do it everywhere I set my mind to. Maybe its always been this way, its just that I haven't had the confidence to try. Could that be because of the illness hell yeah it could, but I think I have grown a lot and understand myself far more than any other point in my life.
Now you understand that is a huge thing to get to this point, maybe now I can move on from the worse affects of my illness and be the person I hope I can be. I want to be the person I was when I was in my 20's someone who was confident in himself confident that the future would be good for him no matter the trials. The difference is this time I don't have the real me to hide from the world. I also now know that no matter what, who I am is better than the lie I was forced to live and endure for most of my life. Now I can be who I am, and that my friends is a slim fit and healthy gay man.