Music, my life, and fading shadows
Hey all,
Yes don't all faint and fall over two posts close together. You see I have felt the need to start writing again, im able to put my thoughts and actions into words. Words are interesting things, they convey emotions intent, and allows us to communicate knowledge and disinformation. They have the power to build and to create destruction on a scale that effects all humanity.
In my world, I use words to convey meaning and I try not to use them as weapons. Although that is made impossible at times by others actions. Case in point was today my ex was handed his car back after 12 weeks at the repairer. To say they job was shit would be the understatement. My ex stormed off and left me to argue the point. Which I did very very well at. But it made me take stock of how others actions can make or break a day.
The assessor who was quite happy with the finish on the car failed to understand that the car was a European and made and built to a standard and that is why it was purchased to hand it back in any other condition is and was totally unacceptable as has the 12 weeks its taken to finish. Anyway its a battle that I will eventually win, the car is not to specification and as such is not repaired.
Top this off I have had ongoing issues all day nothing wanted to go my way without huge amounts of work. So I am over today and everyone who has made it hell. Ohh did I mention the voices have had their say today as well, like they have now every day for the past 2 months.
My mental health has not been fantastic, I have just finished an intensive stint of xanax to try and help things and coming off that has not been the best experience ever. I can sure see why addiction to it happens. But thats the half off it. The last man to bring me up as a child has passed and now every one is turning to me asking about my mothers state of mind. Seems she is becoming increasingly unstable. Nothing new to me. I told her 3 weeks ago to loose my number and never talk to me again. After I had spent a night in the ER (dont ask) and was only allowed home after a friend promised to keep and eye on me. She called and according to her everything in her life was far more important so I hung up. Nasty of me yes. Essential to my own health at the time hell yeah. She can and is incredibly destructive to me. I have asked her many times to seek help but she uses me instead.
So to the fading shadows, those familiar with anime will understand that reference. My life is moving on and things that once loomed as overwhelming are fading to the past, my values are changing, and im finding midlife interesting. Im less focused but finding I now know more of what I want than at any other time in my life. Im proud of my management of what shit of an illness that I have. It takes huge chunks of me away yet I find a way with help and tools to get through each drama as it occurs. Im not strong im not smart but I have insight and that helps me manage things.
In the end I am a damaged person and I always will be, its managing that damage is what matters. Im finding as well that I want out. Not of my life, but out of the things I am enduring. I get sad but not in a way that I have in the past. I wake in the morning with a deep sadness within and it rarely leaves. Its not the debilitating sadness that comes from the illness it is different. It seems to have no real source, and the best way I can describe it is a lack of joy. Im not sure if it is part of the problems I have been having and I suppose only time will tell.
I miss lots of things from my past but I have come to the realisation that I will not have a lot of them again, my life is what it is, and no one has the power to change that only me. So with the sadness comes the realisation that life is in some respects out of my control. I always held the belief you made your own way now I believe a lot of what happens is to teach us lessons and to fulfill destiny of both yourself and others. God is in all man, not just one man but all men. Therefore there must be a purpose for all of us. For me I see that as helping others in ways that only I can. To do so I bare the soul that is mine and the damaged side of me. No one I know in the real world reads this blog, and thats because if they did I would never be able to write and say what I do. See like you all I am still influenced by those around me even if I would like to think otherwise.
I want to finish with this thought. To be a blacksmith you need to do an apprenticeship, to work on cars, work on electrics, plumbing, build houses etc as well. But to be a word smith, we get no formal training, our life teaches us to speak and write what we do, we can and do great harm with what we say. But nothing is more assuring than a hand on a shoulder and a kind word from someone important to us. Its what makes us human and its what creates humanity.
Yes don't all faint and fall over two posts close together. You see I have felt the need to start writing again, im able to put my thoughts and actions into words. Words are interesting things, they convey emotions intent, and allows us to communicate knowledge and disinformation. They have the power to build and to create destruction on a scale that effects all humanity.
In my world, I use words to convey meaning and I try not to use them as weapons. Although that is made impossible at times by others actions. Case in point was today my ex was handed his car back after 12 weeks at the repairer. To say they job was shit would be the understatement. My ex stormed off and left me to argue the point. Which I did very very well at. But it made me take stock of how others actions can make or break a day.
Top this off I have had ongoing issues all day nothing wanted to go my way without huge amounts of work. So I am over today and everyone who has made it hell. Ohh did I mention the voices have had their say today as well, like they have now every day for the past 2 months.
My mental health has not been fantastic, I have just finished an intensive stint of xanax to try and help things and coming off that has not been the best experience ever. I can sure see why addiction to it happens. But thats the half off it. The last man to bring me up as a child has passed and now every one is turning to me asking about my mothers state of mind. Seems she is becoming increasingly unstable. Nothing new to me. I told her 3 weeks ago to loose my number and never talk to me again. After I had spent a night in the ER (dont ask) and was only allowed home after a friend promised to keep and eye on me. She called and according to her everything in her life was far more important so I hung up. Nasty of me yes. Essential to my own health at the time hell yeah. She can and is incredibly destructive to me. I have asked her many times to seek help but she uses me instead.
So to the fading shadows, those familiar with anime will understand that reference. My life is moving on and things that once loomed as overwhelming are fading to the past, my values are changing, and im finding midlife interesting. Im less focused but finding I now know more of what I want than at any other time in my life. Im proud of my management of what shit of an illness that I have. It takes huge chunks of me away yet I find a way with help and tools to get through each drama as it occurs. Im not strong im not smart but I have insight and that helps me manage things.
In the end I am a damaged person and I always will be, its managing that damage is what matters. Im finding as well that I want out. Not of my life, but out of the things I am enduring. I get sad but not in a way that I have in the past. I wake in the morning with a deep sadness within and it rarely leaves. Its not the debilitating sadness that comes from the illness it is different. It seems to have no real source, and the best way I can describe it is a lack of joy. Im not sure if it is part of the problems I have been having and I suppose only time will tell.
I miss lots of things from my past but I have come to the realisation that I will not have a lot of them again, my life is what it is, and no one has the power to change that only me. So with the sadness comes the realisation that life is in some respects out of my control. I always held the belief you made your own way now I believe a lot of what happens is to teach us lessons and to fulfill destiny of both yourself and others. God is in all man, not just one man but all men. Therefore there must be a purpose for all of us. For me I see that as helping others in ways that only I can. To do so I bare the soul that is mine and the damaged side of me. No one I know in the real world reads this blog, and thats because if they did I would never be able to write and say what I do. See like you all I am still influenced by those around me even if I would like to think otherwise.
I want to finish with this thought. To be a blacksmith you need to do an apprenticeship, to work on cars, work on electrics, plumbing, build houses etc as well. But to be a word smith, we get no formal training, our life teaches us to speak and write what we do, we can and do great harm with what we say. But nothing is more assuring than a hand on a shoulder and a kind word from someone important to us. Its what makes us human and its what creates humanity.
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