The Old Tin Shed

Hey all; well the cycle continues im crashing and fairly hard at that. Physically unwell I caught a stomach bug over christmas and my usuall complaints left me on 4 lots of anti biotics this past week. Im over tired, I am stressed and I have been having thoughts of suicide once again.  Been to the point of planning in my head how I will end it.  What I will leave behind and ultimately what I believe will happen to my body and my soul once I die. It cant be right to be punished this way, I have paid more for my mistakes than any man on earth I am sure.  Tonight I am sitting here sleep not coming like it should.  I have taken the normal med supply will delve into the extra's shortly. So why do I say its a cycle.  Every year since my breakdown I come off a kind of manic high and collapse into a depressed state.  No its worse than that I fall into a place where I no longer care if I wake up tomorrow or not.  Where I no longer care what people thi...

Im not great today, trigger by events from yesterday, im so angry I dont know how to cope.  Im turning the hatred on myself, because it must be my fault, that it happened. After all I am supposed to be the smart on the one people fear in board rooms, where I can dismantle the most complex stories and show the true meaning behind things.  This gift this ability comes from the illness and I pay for it.  I am sick of taking meds, I think after 10 years I get the right to say that, even though they have paved a better way of life for me, there are times I think I would have been better not being treated at all. I quite simply dont want to be here because yet again when I went to get my medications from the drug store they were denied me.  It was a med I can not do without full stop.  I got it in the end at another drug store but it should never have gotten that far.  I am crippled without my meds and now mentally im crippled when I go to get them expecting ...

Today's title was a comment made about how we live our lives on an online forum.  The thread was about what keep people going when they are at the bottom, not the meds not the treatment, but the little things that keep you safe. I hadn't commented till yesterday even though the thread has been active since Feb.  But it reminded me of the little things that keep me going.  My life for the past month has not been easy, I have been studying and getting ready for full time work.  On Tuesday I head south to Brisbane for the 3rd time this year, and to be honest I am anxious about any trip. I can feel myself cycling and believe it or not I am on my way down.  I have been sad a lot in the last couple months, even the me time I have been taking is not enough.  I have lots to be thankful for, I have a great partner, and an ability to help support myself.   But I feel as though I am coming up short.  No matter what I do it will never give me back what ...

Yeah yeah I can hear you all sighing now.  I have spoken about Hate before and how its not acceptable to teach it to our young.  Yet I am sure there is not one of you out there, that in some form or another teach hate to others around you.  Yes that is a big call from me but please let me explain. Hate in itself is insidious, it reaches into every part of our lives, every day we repeat or see something that is hateful.  Not intentionally, in fact quite often its not intentional and the people sprouting the hate don't understand that they are in fact doing harm.  I'm guilty of it, I have often said things about different people races, creeds etc that are generalizations that are hateful in intent.  I caught myself today calling a Muslim woman a terrorist when she walked out in front of me while I was driving.  Not a nice thing to say, what made it worse was the three children she had with her. I sprouted the hatred that has gro...

Well i suppose the header says it all.  One of my best friends is in the middle of a major project to bring a business on line.  Now I know lots about the web and computers, I have used just about every version of operating system known to man, and fixed problems that have had others perplexed to the point of replacing systems. So how am I being a bad friend.  When my friend came to me with the idea, I thought it was great.  I convinced him it was worth the effort.  Then the wheels fell off on my end.  I got sick for about 8 weeks and left him in the breeze.  No matter I gave him the guys I use when I have to much work and he has been dealing directly with them.  Cut to this week.  He has just about finished his stock and the website is far from complete.  It needs someones size nine fair up the backside of the main web designer, and a warning about non payment should his lax attitude to this project continue.  It comes do...

Well its that day we wont forget.  Me like millions of others today will post about the events of September 11.  Me personally, I lit a candle and said prayers this morning that those who we lost that day and since in the war on terror.  I prayed for guidance, for clarity and common sense. The world in general changed this day 10 years ago in a way that we could not have imagined.  The old world order collapsed and a time of insecurity and fear started.  I was reading Boundless Salvation which called for open dialogue between all the faiths for calling out of those who use religion as an excuse for violence.  I in part agree, but I don't think we will be able to see this in my lifetime.  While there is such grave injustice between the haves and have not's in the world, and while dictators steal from their people, the west and all it has will be seen as evil and something to destroy.  A reason for their misery.  Add to this that some religi...