To Chester

I know you did what you did because of the pain you were in.  I'm sorry your gone, but insanely jealous that I right now cannot follow you and end my own torment.  I hope your at peace your bright spark will live for ever.

I'm jealous I cannot follow you, I'm sick of the pain


Who am I

This is one of the hardest of all questions that we as humans can ask of ourselves.  Some people spend a life time in deep spiritual contemplation seeking the answer to this very question.

Now not to take from those people but inside us all is the answer to that question.  Whether or not we like the answer is a different story.  nearly 15 years ago now I looked to see who I was and what I saw scared me, I attempted to make changes to change that person.  In hindsight it was a terrible time of my life to be doing it and it was a contributing factor to my breakdown.

More recently I have looked again and seen someone completely different, this person is broken yes and at times wants his life to end.  But he is kinder, cares about others more than himself, and has finally found the thing he had hoped he would find.  A person who cares about the truth above everything else.  I don't suffer fools or liars well.  I accept people for who they are but I dont have to accociate with those …

Some Terrible News

Firstly let me start this with a :(

A man who I loved to listen to, who suffered the same deamons lost his fight last night.  He was found hung this morning and I am one who has shed many a tear an amazing guy, true perfomer.

So goodnight  Chester and thank you for everything you left behind so we can remember what an amazing person.  So glad I got to meet you.

So a good night ths is I am sure we will meet again, and again we will have that same feeling.

I will see you where the oceans bleed into the sky


Med Change ohh the Joy

Hi all yes dont all die of shock, I have a second post in a row, yeah it has been a while and im not sure how long I will keep at it other to say that I am having fun.

Well today is first day of a new med change.  Serequel a Drug that has served me well for a decade has come to the end of its usefullness for me.  I have developed type 2 Diabetes around its use.  It seems there is a corrolation to its use in high dose to this ailment.  Today is the third try to migrate from it to a drug called abilifi, a well used and well tested anti-psychotic.

So last night I took my first pill and dropped the seroquel input by 300mg unfortunately it was not enough.  I was awake a wired most the night.  It did not help I have a server out of action the two stresses fed off each other.   So I have just had about an hour and 45 minutes of sleep feel lots better.

So tonight I will drop 600mg of Seroquel and take the abilify I hope its enough and lets me sleep and its not to much and give me withdrawls.…

Ive been Away

I have been away for quite a while now, I haven't forgotten this place, but I needed to find some things out on my own without the crutch of this site.  I have made some very good posts here in the past and I am proud of the volume of work that I created.

But I look back, and realise how much I enjoyed the act of writing.  Writing has been a great stabilising effect on me and my life ever since high school.  I write short stories in my spare time, and they have enabled me to explore thoughts whims and serious topics that are close to my own heart.

Since we last spoke I have added some ink to my skin, despite what everyone who doesn't like tattoos I love what I have done.  I have never been normal, I am not normal and this is just a  way to make me not look like every other fat bald 40+ something year old.   Plus I have always wanted ink just could never make up my mind what I wanted.  I have 3 pieces I think each shows a side of my personality and im now planning my 4th piece…

I feel the need to write

Its been a long time since I last posted here my well of writing ran dry and although this may be a one off I need to write today.

I have always been honest about my illness and in doing so have helped many and myself.

I have an amazing life right now but my illness is getting worse and my need for further medications is hurting me.

I have no faith in my abilites and that means the end of work unless i can over come it.

Take care all of you life is never easy and all our futures are uncertain.  For now its a see you soon

Life and death entangled for eternity

Life and death are the beginning and the end its what we do in between that matters