Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Im seeing a fellow crazy

Hey all, just a quick note im, no longer single seeing a lovely guy who is also BP, we get on great right now and I hope it continues.

Back for a real post tomorrow

Horse

Friday, September 19, 2014

The night has come

Just watched the end of the day, and the coming of the night.  I havent been great today things have meant I medicated and slept most of it.  Even now I feel the influence of the medications.  I love this time of day, after the light changes and the sky turns dark.

I feel surrounded, enveloped, its its completeness.  I have no lights on just the computer screen casting long sharp shadows around the room and on me.  I'm not frightened here, it feels safe, clam and more importantly less stressful than the light.  This isnt the darkness within but the darkness without.  The darkness I walk into away from the fire at night in the dessert, solitude, safety and most importantly the end of the daylight

I need to break the dark now, much to my dispair, as its time to eat dinner watch the news and settle in for the night.  But remember the darkness is every bit as important as the light

Saturday, September 13, 2014

To Sleep

Meds taken, drugs taking effect nearly time to sleep.  I love this feeling the feeling of being halfway there, lucid enough to think tired enough to imagine.  For me its a mystical time each day, though it lasts for just minutes, I wonder if its what it would feel like at the rapture.

Godnight dear reader, I hope you sleep when you get it will be deep and soul replenishing, for now the words ends, but tomorrow, yes tomorrow is another day

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The Human Animal



Before I start this, I just want to make sure that everyone understands this is my view of the world, my view of humanity.  I don't expect you to agree with me, in fact I would like this to open a dialogue that allows you to form your own opinion on the matter.  I have not taken the formulation of this blog post lightly and has taken several days in fact to bring together concepts and ideas.  Otherwise I hope you enjoy.
How to open, this has been a debate for me for several days now, but I decided to start at the start, the very beginning of what we know of human beings.
Unlike our ape cousins we stood up, in doing so we changed everything, we were omnivores that allowed us to take advantage of multiple food sources during the seasons and in different parts of the world.  But we had something else, the opposing thumb, it allowed us to use tools, and in doing so our brain evolved.  As man got more successful we did something that no other species on earth has done successfully.  We traded, ideas, tools, weapons, jewellery and hundreds of other products.
We became adaptive, we spread from Africa through Europe Asia and the rest of the world, peoples became diverse and varied dependent on the environments in which they lived.  But more importantly that genetic variance ensured that during the greatest disasters that man was able to survive. 
We have been pushed to the brink many times, changes in weather and climate, ice ages, warming and cooling periods, through war and pestilence and we are still here today the most dominate of all species on earth, but are we smart enough to  ensure our own existence past this period by leaving earth for good?
Man is master of his world, he rebuilds after disaster, he rebounds after threats, and his cleverness has allowed us to reach for the stars, cure diseases and build weapons so devastating that only one nation has ever used them in Anger. 

  Welcome to the Human being.
We are a sum of all the above and more, our genetic variance has seen us recover from events that have wiped out apes and other hominids.  But its these variations that have seen some of the greatest crimes against our own kind.
We like to fight, we like to scrap, and we like to go to war.  We hold ourselves to the highest ideals but in the end it will be the strongest that stands not those with the moral High ground.  To make things more interesting is the fact that we are very good at waging war on each other, with the second world war killing between 25 million and 70 million people, most of those non combatants.  

The atrocities against the Jews that we promised we would never allow to happen again has.  In places like USSR, Cambodia, Africa.  We stood by.  Why ?  There was no gain to the trading empire that we had built.  Humans are violent, we are untrustworthy, we are underhanded, we are sneaky and only look out for our own interests.

But we have amazing traits of humanity, of selfless sacrifice, and providing help and service when no one else can.  It starts with helping the family then the friends then the community then the state then the country then the rest of the world.  Selfless religious orders that work with the sick and dying, who provide safe havens for those the world wishes to destroy.  The friendly priest, or religious leader who dedicated his or her life in service.  Our world would be a far more horrible and brutal place without the humanity of those who give of themselves for the betterment of others.
Im reminded of a picture I saw a a child of a man getting out of a limousine in front of a very top end hotel.  To the left a woman in a plain white T-shirt and Jeans is handing out blankets to the homeless man in the alley way.  That image has stuck with me my whole life, it helps me to remember what I have, and what I have to lose. 
In the end Human Beings are incredible animals our individual ability to forward humanity into a new age has never been unleashed in a way it has now.  Our invention of the internet and the ability to make ideas a reality because of that has brought us into an golden age.  Our wealth of knowledge continues to accelerate at rates that have been unheard of in human history and I would like to think, that we will leave this rock for the stars, first as explorers then as settlers, and in doing so ensure that we continue to survive for many thousands

Monday, September 8, 2014

Over 1100 pageviews last month thanks

Thanks everyone for reading makes my day to know that you have dropped by.

Horse

Sunday, September 7, 2014

TO Take the sad away.

I wish I  could I wish I could reach down inside and flick that switch and turn everything nice for me. its been tough.  I have been sad a long time, and more recently I am beginning to user stand why.

When I was younger I work for the RFS as a volunteer we were told we would not deal with car accidents just fires.  LIARS.  In twelve months we attended 19 fatalities.  That takes its toll.  Walking down a free way pickup up arms feet fingers.  Lumps of skin you have no idea who they belong to.  And the overpowering sickening smell of alcohol

I am permanently damaged from those days, the ones I remember are the ones that took their last breath in my arms nightmares are filled with their images.

I dont bang on about it here but please remember there is a man who has to pick up you and your loved one's body parts, remember that some police officer has to make a trip to your house and wake you loved ones to tell them you died on a highway or road tonight.  In the instant of the accident entire worlds fall to pieces and nothing can ever be the same for you or for the volunteer on the highway doing the cleanup.  Speeding is fun till someone dies.  I go to sleep most night with a lifeless face staring off into space, with no heartbeat. Please think, its not just you it effects it effects everybody


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Dont want to be here

As the title suggests I don't want to be here any more tonight.  Its time to take meds and allow sleep to take the sad away.  Will be taking the jagged pill of course, but that sometimes makes things worse not better.  I dont have my boy to keep an eye on me, so I guess Im doing this on my own.

I shouldnt be feeling this way but I am, im worried about my future and ultimately im worried about what happens next with me.  I have images in my head of people finding me laying on the top of the bed dead.  Me escaped the illness and life at the same time.  Its a feeling from my damaged soul, tonight I may want to sleep with the angels but will they want to sleep with me

BP sucks. 

 Just the nightly dose happens every day how do you think it makes me feel to have to swallow all that.