Saturday, November 22, 2014

How Can it be.

How can it be that you are right in front of me,
How can it be, because I saw the life extinguish from your eyes,
How can it be, when tendon sinew and bone were shattered.

You are as beautiful as I remember, how can it be your here in front of me
How can it be I watch your lips move but cant hear what you are saying
How can it be seeing your face feels like home,
How can it be that your presence makes the panic I feel go
How can it be your light makes me feel loved and appreciated

How can it be that when I reach for you your gone
How can it be this is just another goodbye
How can it be this distance I cannot surmount

I awake from the dream fully crying at my deep loss
I ask how can it be you would answer because I love you
One day we will be together again, each dream and moment is precious
I love you to


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

A bit of everything

Hi all;

Been a while since I posted, last you heard of me I was pretty down and unwell, the down bits gone but the glandular fever has not.  It knocked me on my ass last night and that was not pleasant.  Im unwell today been sleeping on and off without realizing it all day.

Tomorrow hope to finish a quote and organize a meeting.  With the end result being a go ahead next week to deliver a new network.

My personal life has been funny my ex and I still talk a lot mainly about him and his problems, we have now completely separated which had to happen, I could not keep him reliant on me and the other way around.  My new friend yes I said friend is meaning more and more to me each day but there will be no moving in before the end of the lease here.

Now this may shock a few of you but we are talking about using ECT on me to give me a break from the meds.  Yes this is a treatment that I have actively campaigned against in the past but some recent breakthroughs using micro voltages and multiple charges are showing good cause.  Im terrified, but I also know that it might be the best chance at a normal life for a while where I can return to some normality.

The end of the best time of year is here, its getting hotter and more humid, the wet cant be more than 6 weeks away, and did someone say Christmas ?

I have a post brewing one of my more deep and meaningful types, there have been a dozen or more topics of late I have overlooked, but to be honest in my current frame of mind I might screw it up lol.

Please readers be kind to yourself your family and your friends, remember we are all special even when we don't feel it and most importantly, someone somewhere loves you, even if they havent told you.

Finally a word for Ryan

It seems like a lifetime ago that we first met, your cheaky smile your uncomfortable gait, we became close friends though we were two years apart.  But on that afternoon on the way home, we became more than we could tell everyone.  They say we never forget out first, I can never forget you.  In my last trip down I gave your parents your diary they had a right to know.  To know that you and I were in love, they took it well and your mum called me her missing son. But thats you, when you left us that afternoon the world changed, I hated you for leaving but all these years later now understand why.  My life is amazing now and without the hurt I felt for you I would never have taken the steps to the real me, so in a way you changed me to who I should have been all along.  I love you Ryan and I hope we meet again after this mortal coil leaves.

Thanks all

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

A wondering I wll go

You know when your sick, the fever sick the one that overheats the brain and you have physical breakdown.  Two of those this weeks. 4 times I have woken up saying where am I to answer off im still there then.  Then off into random dreams.

This is the second time with glandular fever this bad.  I think its ironic but hey thats the flat aussie humor.  Reality is im really unwell and have to take it easily so thats that I will be doing.


Saturday, October 25, 2014

It did not get better

Feel like crap, physically, and mentally im in a black hole.  I cant type properly which is causing me no end of grief.  Sometimes its never to have been born thats how I feel today and everything that goes with that.

THe MI makes everything worse than it has to be, but it does not give you the means to ignore it.

BP sux


Please not today

Got paid this morning paid all the bills have not a cent left.  Clients owe me money and I have a quote to finish which should bring in money in a couple weeks,

But been feeling bad this week taken new anti-biotics since old ones don't work any more, see if they can knock down the cold.  But I just want to not be here today.  I dont want to be breathing I dont want to be even typing this.  Im taking stilnox already taken a valium.

Hope I wake in a better state of mind


Sunday, October 19, 2014

I can hear it baying for my soul

Hi reader;

Today isn't great, woke up this way.  Everything feels black even the sun.  I hear the dog's baying for my soul to devour it here in the blackness.  They want to take it all away to make me not exist, to make me a marked one.

I have no defense against this, this overwhelming feeling,  I have no way of defending myself about the dark beasts that bay for my destruction.  Its dark hear and the pain unbearable, suicide has been on my mind since I rose.  But I don't think I have the guts to follow through. Makes me feel even more gutless and worthless than I already do.

I hate what this does to me another part of me dies today, its worse than death by 1000 cuts.

I wonder if I will ever leave this room even today, because right now the idea of going out scares me to death.


Monday, October 13, 2014

Why is it ?

Hi all;

Todays question relates to customers, who tell you they want very specific things but when you quote them the cost they have a heart attack.  Case in point.  Customer has a digital IP CCTV system installed. Its .5mp very average image quality.  client says needs to be crystal clear,  I quote crystal clear but thats to expensive.

Now this isnt just related to this customer its related to a lot of customers, I always encourage them to look for what they want online then come to me.  But it seems they see what they want and think that I can magically make them 30% cheaper.  Its damn frustrating especially when you quoting time is getting shorter by the day.

I love IT but I hate this shit, then the whole issue of getting paid on time and the list simply goes on and on.

Now to be fair, IT is confusing even for me at times, but for a customer not to know what they require then ask me to work that out for them worries me a lot.  Not because I cant quote the right equipment but because quite often they are left to the wolves with other areas of the business so inherently they dont trust ,me.

So the situation ends like this. Client has unreal expectations, client doesnt trust the IT staff to do the job, but then places whole job into IT Staffs hands to work out.  Fantastic dont you think.  Its no wonder im fat and bald.

I know one thing even at the reduced cost it should be a great system for them.

If only I could make it someone else issue not mine,  Though I really do need the money