Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Lost a beautiful boy

Lost my kitten today.  We moved hnouse over the last week and had kept the kittens inside until yesterday.  All went well they had a riot outside.  Let them out as I was heading out for doctors and the mechanics today thought nothing of it.  

4 hours later I arrive home and my neighbors on the driveway side of the house called me over and introduced themselves and then gave me some horrible news.  That beautiful grey kitten in the picture below had been torn apart by the other neighbors ridge backs while I was away.  They rushed him to the vets but it was to late.

Calling the council tomorrow but not hopeful much will be done.  Im going to go see him tomorrow, say goodbye like I have for every other animal I have owned.  He was a great cat loving and close.  The neighbors responsible haven even bothered to contact us that just makes me angry.

So to my kitten GT I love you and miss you already.  Im sorry I failed to protect you, and I hope you can forgive me.


Saturday, May 9, 2015


What I find amazing is that even today a true poet can make amazing music recently discovered poets of the fall.

Check out the Carnival of Rust single and War. Lyrics are something special

Thursday, April 30, 2015

If I succeed

Well its short and to the point tonight.  If I succeed it will be the last post you ever hear from me.  I counted out the pills and have drunk half a flagon of port.  By my reckoning with the 120 xanax pills I should never wake up.  I dont want to I just want to be gone.

Then those around me can get on with their lives without me since I am nothing but a hinderance.  My BF got a job because of me, I cant even get a graveyard shift at a servo.  Anyway Im done im spent I have nothing left to hold me here, he will be ok my mum wont care and my sister even less.  No funeral just burn me dump me in the ocean.

Bye loyal readers but I suppose you all expected this some how

Thursday, April 9, 2015

So lets talk shall we.

My blog of late has not been a nice place.  That goes with my life and everything in it.  Since I was hospitalized for 4 days I have not been the same mentally nor have I had the ability to get back to that point either.

THey took away lithium because of the drug interations, now I have it back but it will be another week before I see it helping.

So I am a sad confused old man, driving in the wrong direction to get to a store only to be told so by the pleasant girl where had all the boxed chips gone.  I know I was confused after that she helped me to the car.  Then I got angry at myself and came home.  Im angry about lots of things.  I lost my cigar cutter cigar and lighter all seperatly this week. havent found the cutter yet.

I should be raving on about how annoyed I am with the world but right now the last thing I can do is concentrate on that.  I just want to be left alone.  I now offically have PTSD, well duhhh there is a surprise took 2 trips to the hospital by ambulance and a 4 day stay for them to work that out.  FFS i know its not rocket science but I tick all the boxes.

Im angry tonight going to bed now.  I want to just go stupid and fuck the consequences but I know that is the illness speaking rather loudly.  Pray for me tonight I don't think I can do this on my own.

To much has happens to quickly.  Someone will pay the assholes who nearly killed me will compensate me and apologies to me and the others they have maimed 

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Anger Remains

Im Still angry;

Im angry that someone one of my friends called the police, Im angry that I am out of control, all I wanted to do to the policeman that came here was to hurt him and his partner.  The paramedics the works.  LEAVE ME ALONE...

I know legally that they cant, but im so angry of being put through it all.  For what to be sent home anyway.  Why cant I end my life the way I want.  Why must I live like this.  Its all well and good till shit happens and my world falls apart and no one can say anything or do anything to make it better.

I warned the hospital I would pay for each day they had me there and now I am, so fuck me more reason to want to sue the whole fucken lot of them.  No drug interaction warnings nothing yet its known to have killed 350 people.  Fuck me is that not a reason to add 1 line to the warnings list.

Im angry and im over everyone.  I go to sleep now need to be up in a couple hours and hope that we finish the work tonight.  In all im pissed off dont want to be alive and suffering because of it.  Welcome to my hell


Sunday, March 29, 2015

THe night in the shadows.

Well, the menatal health issues continue, I had the police do a wealfare check on me and ended up in the ER again. I want this life over no exceptions just done.  Nothing works my world falls apaart and they worried about proceedure.

Yeah she was quick and efficient but dont really listen tried to make her side of the story the one to go on record and around and around we go.

They are rude obnxious and treat me like I am causing a big hassel.  Next time I will OD and go sit on my rock, least I can die in peace.

Fuck this town, fuck the assholes in it and more importantly fuck those who think they know whats right for me even though I have 10 years direct experience.

Saturday, March 14, 2015


The last couple of days have been hard, my lithium levels are now at .2 and falling kidney function is back to normal.  All good with one exception, I have blocked out what happened to me.

I should be angry, I should want to scream from the roof tops, I was 12 hours from dying, but I don't.  I just feel numb.  Please don't get me wrong there is a tension inside, a boiling uncontrolled feeling.  It scares me, I need to bleed.

I don't mean to physically cut myself, but to unsettle myself, make myself upset, to release the tension.  My psych is worried I may act out, I am strike out as a release.  Me im worried I will fly into a rage and seriously hurt someone.  Its possible with the past I carry with me.  Its almost like my mind is scared to deal with what has happened.

I tried meditation but to no avail, but the tension is showing in my dreams, and ohh god they are shocking right now.  So numb it is but soon real soon I need to bleed I need the release.