Saturday, February 7, 2015

The people who choose not to listen.

Hello all;

Its been a few days since my last post and time is marching on already into the new year.  It will be easter before we know it.  I noticed the supermarkets are selling eggs already. 

But today's post is not to do with that its to deal with something that in the past week has caused me to get extremely pissed off with people close to me.  When I go to the trouble to say something at least give me the respect to listen.  3 times in 3 days I have had to repeat myself and something I said because someone hasn't listen the first time and then they try to blame me for the predicament they find themselves in.  I hate the inclination that I was somehow to blame because they did not listen to the advice I had given them.  Its annoying beyond belief and made me quite angry.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that my Psychiatrist, is quite worried about the amount of anger I am carrying and the potential for someone to inadvertently push me into some kind of major event.  Given my non fear of death or pain, and my violent past, he is worried I will lash out.  I haven't done that yet, instead I beat myself up for most of the day, trying to understand what I had done wrong to get to this point.   I came to the conclusion that I was not responsible, that the truth laid with those with whom I was angry.  They had done the wrong thing by not listening to what I had to say and that the events that happened because of that belonged to them.

I cant and wont take on guilt for things others choose to do, or in this case refuse to do.  They need to learn not to lean on me, I have enough of my own problems without trying to save people from themselves.  I hate being the one everyone turns to, the one who will put himself out to help others and then have them run away. 

In the middle of this I have taken on a project to be honest scares me shitless with am I able to do this, I know I have the technical ability but I wonder if I have the stamina left.  So many people drawing from me and 10 days before I need to start to implement the new project.  I need sleep right now and lots of it.  I need everyone to leave me alone so I can get some rest or I run the risk of a major mental event, im not stupid in this respect I know what I have asked of myself, its risky but I am hoping the end results will be great.

So I sign off this post with well wishes for all during the coming weeks.  I may be away for a few days but will be checking back and forward as things progress, I may even do a post or two let you know how I am going.  May peace be with you all


Friday, January 23, 2015

To my Warriors

From your Lance Leader;

Your Valor, fighting spirit and dedication on the field, proved again why we are the best, and we will server Davion for a long time yet.  To Markus your move to intercept is every reason why we are known as hard fighters and it was glorius to watch you in action.

To the rest of the lance, well do fight on and may the glory be yours.

Work is nearly Done

The work I have been doing enters its last phase before billing today, the customer has expressed his happiness with the work and end numbers considering the amount of alterations that he has made.

Me im just a thank fuck that is over.  I realize why I retired from this work a long time ago. (a) I'm not well enough for the extended stress (b) I'm sick of holding back what I really want to say to the client, especially when they change their mind half way through. (c) I really cant do the work any more I take everything personally where once it would have not mattered.

SO yeah by doing this work I have put my mental health at risk.  Dumb stupid and downright dangerous is what I have done.  I'm lucky im not locked up in a mental ward.  But its all done but the shouting now soon will have the cash to get the equipment then comes the build and installation its all looking fairly easy so fingers crossed.

Ohh so you all know going to use Redhat on the server but setup and install active directory doing a few new things like office 365 and exchange server online all new to me but they look fantastic and windows has offered with the migration :)

Talk soon


Sunday, January 18, 2015

Its a McMorning

Well, I awoke about an hour ago and I feel like a Sausage and Egg McMuffin and a Hasbrown, topped off with a large Fanta.

Ohh so healthy of me but after the way I have been feeling this past week I think I deserve a dirty treat.

Hope your day starts out great as well.  After breakfast its down to contracts ohh the joy.


Saturday, January 17, 2015

Freedom is not limmitless ???

Hi Reader.  What the hell is the Turkish PM on.  Freedom is Freedom no limit.  It means you can say what you like.  Censorship is no freedom at all.

Neo Nazi's spew hate throughout the western world, I hate the message and what it stands for but I will go shoulder to shoulder with these scum bags to protect their right to say it.

Freedom isn't something that you limit.  That becomes censorship.  Also what is limited who makes that decision.  Government.  Well we all know how that goes, ask anyone in Stalin's Russia or North Korea, or China for that matter.  I could add a huge number of African and south American states to that as well.

In my country every attempt at curtailing the internet has been derailed by the public because we fear a system when the government re-enters our homes and our bedrooms. 

So to the Turkish PM.  Grow the fuck up.  You are no better than your communist neighbours, you talk freedom but you mean repression, you talk of a free press but only a free press you like. 

Freedom is Freedom hands off those who want to put limits, one day it may bite you.  I have said many times freedom is worth fighting for.  I do not always like what anonymous do but for ever bad cause they have others, we are using the same methods the terrorists do to keep our enemy on their toes.  To make it clear I have never participated in anything they have done, but after 20+ years in IT I recognise that some of its members at least are my age with my education level.  I hope they can keep fighting for us for the next 500 years and keep this form of reporting free from state control

Friday, January 16, 2015

So the Cycle continues

Hey all; well the cycle continues im crashing and fairly hard at that. Physically unwell I caught a stomach bug over christmas and my usuall complaints left me on 4 lots of anti biotics this past week.

Im over tired, I am stressed and I have been having thoughts of suicide once again.  Been to the point of planning in my head how I will end it.  What I will leave behind and ultimately what I believe will happen to my body and my soul once I die.

It cant be right to be punished this way, I have paid more for my mistakes than any man on earth I am sure.  Tonight I am sitting here sleep not coming like it should.  I have taken the normal med supply will delve into the extra's shortly.

So why do I say its a cycle.  Every year since my breakdown I come off a kind of manic high and collapse into a depressed state.  No its worse than that I fall into a place where I no longer care if I wake up tomorrow or not.  Where I no longer care what people think of me the wonderful but hollow compliments.  I cant allow myself to think anything because when I do the end result is suicide and sometimes who I want to take with me.

None of what I said above is nice, none of it accurately coveys what it feels like to be at this place this nexus of no emotion and complete detachment from reality,  I have been here before many times, but that doesnt make it easier, it just reminds me of whats ahead and right now that is to much for my brain to cope with.  This waking up each day feeling like you missed the end of the world.

I have lived here nearly a year a year on my own but I still don't know where I am when I open my eyes and often spend the first 45 mins creeping around not to wake anyone up.  Which is stupid since Im the only one who lives here. I forget things I have done, and think I have done things I haven't. Im a mess and right now its more than I can cope with.

I have spoken to professional help 4 times today, they are not much help and im to screwed up to go to temple would probably have a car crash.

This time around its a little different, my anger with certain people is coming through and I want to hurt them, I want them to feel the hurt they created me.  I want to tell certain people exactly what I think of them as I choke them.  This is kinda new normally I internalize my hate but I wonder what it would feel like if I followed through.  Im not likely to so no need to send the thought police after me,.

You see talking no longer matters, its just words, my future is screwed my life is screwed, the punishment never ends and it doesnt get better from here just worse.  So someone anyone explain to me 3 good reasons I should stay.  Let me rule out a couple.. (1) Family, its a complete waste of time,  (2) my new partner, he is more likely to die by his own hand than me (3) Friends, Friends come and go and as such my departure wont mean much.  So go on I fucken dare you, I want you the people who have read my blog again and again to get help.  I dare you write me some great reasons as to why I should bother staying alive long enough to see the dawn.  After all Im not afraid of death but this pain has to end.
I hope someone screams for me tonight, because right now im in the dark alone and losing the fight.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Passd 50,000

Thanks to all that read, makes me feel kind of humble since I never set out to make those kind of numbers.