Friday, April 22, 2016

I feel the need to write

Its been a long time since I last posted here my well of writing ran dry and although this may be a one off I need to write today.

I have always been honest about my illness and in doing so have helped many and myself.

I have an amazing life right now but my illness is getting worse and my need for further medications is hurting me.

I have no faith in my abilites and that means the end of work unless i can over come it.

Take care all of you life is never easy and all our futures are uncertain.  For now its a see you soon

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Life and death entangled for eternity

Life and death are the beginning and the end its what we do in between that matters

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Are we looking at this wrong ?

This post could be either brilliant or just plain out there, as is normal with me so here goes.

To get my point across here we need to talk about a couple of theories on the Human mind and what makes as tick.  I will try and make these points as short as possible.

Firstly is the idea of "I think therefore I am".  So because we can think about ourselves, others and our surroundings then we have a conscious.  I could write a essay on what it is to be human and how its more than just that statement, and that in our own arrogance we have assumed way to much.  The crucial point for this post is the "I think therefore I am" taken as a literal.

Secondly the idea that "I remember so I can learn".  Another fundamental thing that we have assumed makes human beings somehow different from everything else.  Its in this statement that I think we as human being have made a horrible mistake in dealing with mental health.

We know we age because of corruption of the DNA strands on replication.  This is a known fact not some scary thing calling him/herself god telling us.  Its been observed and held to the highest of investigative and scientific standards.

So why mention the above how does that link the other concepts.  This is where I think, there may be a clue to whats really going on inside the brain of someone like me.  I have in the past spoken about tipping points and that fits neatly within this also.

So I ask the question "Is it possible that the replication of memories leads to mental illness?  In that each time the memory is accessed it is corruptly stored, until a point where the data is so scrambled it causes a meltdown of some kind.  PTSD, and those recovering from Torture certainly show that this is possible.  There was an event then sometime after that event things stop working properly.

Not only trauma the great Bipolar debate about did the Bipolar cause the event or did the event cause the Bipolar, again a certain set of circumstances caused the brain to short circuit and then its never the same.  Same would happen to a modern CPU in a computer if overheated it would never work properly again with no way of repairing itself.  Hence this may be the cause of our own mental illnesses.  Not just the fact that they occur and the possibility that occurring due to poor replication or interference.  Our system has no way to repair itself. No self healing alternate circuits.

Im not trying to say all the billions we have spent of research is incorrect, in fact with out it I would no longer be alive.  There have been times my will to die has far exceeded the voices of reason and of those who loved me.  The meds helped me through those times, through the indescribable pain and suffering that comes with it.  What I am trying to say is can we look outside the box, is it possible to create a self healing circuit one that sees the corruption and self heals.  We do it with file operating systems such as ZFS, so why cant we replicate the same thinking in medicine.

I know this stuff takes time and I am aware there is a huge difference between an electronic circuit in a CPU and the stuff that goes on inside the most complicated computer in the world our brain.  But we mapped the Human Genome and the advantages of that are still being felt.  Human misery because of mental illness is only increasing as our lives get longer and more complicated.  They say the suffering of one is nothing compared to the suffering of the many.  But I argue that the suffering of one is one to many.



You know there is a point in every relationship, friendship that lasts a long time, when he or she will commit the ultimate sin.  For some people its when a friend talks out of school how big her friends butt was on Sat night in the new dress.

For me I wish it was that simple.  I shrink away from having to many people in my life.  Why?  because they are all a waste of time and emotion in the end.  They will give up and walk out after telling me 1000 times they wont.

Its never that simple either, betrayal goes both ways and betraying someone leaving them in the lurch is never a nice thing to do.  Simply people around me betrayed me so I betrayed everyone to justify the hurt and the pain I was experiencing.

My biggest betrayal is still people telling others about my MI without asking me first.  It makes it difficult from that point forward to trust that person till I have spoken with them,  and around and around it goes.

Am I overly paranoid.  Hell yeah, does this stuff screw your insides up so you cant even contemplating eating Hell Yeah.  There are solutions.  (1) Minimize risk by minimizing the number of new people i general I have in my life (2) Learn like being gay to wear the marks for my illness with pride and honor, not hide them away.

Finally I have to learn to like myself.  Now most people think I am a nice enough guy, and I have learned that redemption is sometimes a road strewn with violence and acts of evil.  Where my road ends I do not know and I try not to damage others who come along my path.  But in doing so I leave myself alone.  All the lights are on but im not here type of alone.

One final thought. Imagine you found out this massive secret a conspiracy that would be used to control those instincts we take for vantage, would you simply let it happen or  die screaming freedom and liberty all the way to your executing sell

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Lost in the meds.

Hey all;

Just a warning this will be introspective and probably a bit boring but its how I feel right now.  You see since I had the Lithium scare we have taken into account my PTSD what caused it well there are plenty of things that could have.  Up until now myself and my Psych have decided that it was not causing any major issues and therefore the treatment for the Bipolar more than covered the  PTSD.

Im not sure if I mentioned it or not but I ended up back in hospital after a friend called the police after I had threatened repeatedly to end my life.  Police and EMS turned up and didn't give m e much of a choice to be honest.  I did scare the cops when they said with us or them.  I said or I could close the door chain it and slam the 200 pills OI have and by the time I get to hospital I will be dead.  He reached for his tazar, private joke I found funny but he didn't.

Anyway the pysch I saw at the hospital had a long talk and read my treatment plans she suggested that the stay in hospital may have triggered a PTSD event and as such I should now b e treated for it.

Thats all well and good but its more meds, and to be truthful I take enough meds every night.  Right now I feel lost, down and alone.  My partner understands but I fear I will even push him away if there is no overall change soon .  8 weeks and counting and I am starting to wonder if I need to start stockpiling my meds again, sometimes the end or ending it is a better goal than dealing with all the changes and interactions of the meds.  Im spiraling out of control to a point I no longer know which way is up.  Im terribly homesick, I miss my beach and its freezing cold water, I miss the pounding of the surf and I miss a place I can no longer go back to its changed that much.

I want to go to Seaspray and go put my feet in the water of the 90 mile beach.  Why because to me it reminds me of a time in my life although I was fucked up, I had something to look forward to, I just had no idea as to what that would be

Being mentally ill is hard.  Some days even I the strong one breaks, I pray to my gods every night that tomorrow I can get a call and someone can tell me its all been a dream like a bad Star Trek episode. Mostly I long for the ordinary, thats not something I can ever have no matter what my dreams are.  Tomorrow is just another Sunday as my life passes me by.

Take care all and pleas if your worried about someone ask them if they are ok, likelihood is they are not.  You might just save them from an early end.  Me I alone and lost in paradise.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Alone and Lost in Paradise

Think this song covers how I feel right now.  Im tired and down so this feeling should be expected thats for sure.

Please enjoy and check out their other music, in particular "hello", "lies","sober".  all great songs

Hope you are all well or at least better than me


Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Eve of War ?

Hi all;

Over the last couple of months a huge Geo political change has been underway, china is exerting its new found place in the world and the USA is moving to block it.  How do we find ourselves at the eve of war and why do I think or believe that this may be the case.

First lets talk about the reef's in question, the are atop potentially huge reserves of oil coal and gas that all neighboring countries want a part of.  China's claim to the south China sea is steeped in history, and the control of the waters has moved back and forwards between all of the countries bordering the region.  This is one of those situations where in normal circumstances diplomats would go back and forward and an non violent solution would be found, and although no country would be entirely happy a conflict would be avoided.

But this is far from a normal circumstance.  The USA is strong and experienced after a decade of conflict not just that, we have advanced our weaponry on a scale not seen since the second world war.  We in the west have developed new weapons and tactics our potential enemy in china does not have.  China sees this as its divine right.  By building these islands it gets a further 20 miles of border a border the USA uses with Japan and its allies for movement of shipping aircraft and Naval equipment.  The USA will not recognize the new borders and here in lies the road to war.

So why war.  Both sides are spoiling for the fight.  China wants to extend its power and influence and the USA wants to show the rest of the world its not afraid of its nuclear armed adversary.  From a US prospective it could be said it would be in there interests to have this war, and I agree it could.  The USA has a lot to lose having China pushing around its allies.  It also would have its right to have free trade impeded and we know that the USA would never ever allow either of those things to happen even if it threw the USA and the world into a true Global war.  Nato block countries would surely end up included as would most of the non western aligned countries on the side of a potential enemy.

In a conventional conflict the USA and NATO should prevail, but now we must talk about the thing that  gets my skin crawling.  All of those involved have access to or have their own nuclear arsenal, the question becomes who would use theirs, how much would they use and what would the response be from the other side.  Remember that both Russia and the USA have the bulk of all of these weapons.  China is testing a Mach5 delivery system and we know the USA is up to something with its current X space vehicle. At the least 2 weapons are used and two cites turn to dust, worst the USA launches an all out response halving the world populations in matter of minutes.

You ask why I say the USA, its because it has the most to lose here, and they are the only county in the world who has used them in anger.  A war where the stakes are this high it would be forced into a situation where proportionate response would no longer be a road it could take. The scenarios from this point forward are frightening.  An all out tactical nuclear deployment in Europe and between India and Pakistan would also be on the cards.  Millions and millions of lives could just be snuffed out in an instant.

Its a set of dire situations that will bring the human race to the edge of existence. I hope that we can avoid this, I hope the reality of it all sinks home to our leaders.  However I have little faith that they have the will or the ability to work this out.  Then it becomes a situation of who is the strongest.  I studied the politics leading up to the first and second world wars as part of my High School certificate, and things look awfully familiar and equally as scary.  The arms race is on stockpiles are being built.  We are on the road to war, unless someone says enough.  Will that be you ?