Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Anger Remains

Im Still angry;

Im angry that someone one of my friends called the police, Im angry that I am out of control, all I wanted to do to the policeman that came here was to hurt him and his partner.  The paramedics the works.  LEAVE ME ALONE...

I know legally that they cant, but im so angry of being put through it all.  For what to be sent home anyway.  Why cant I end my life the way I want.  Why must I live like this.  Its all well and good till shit happens and my world falls apart and no one can say anything or do anything to make it better.

I warned the hospital I would pay for each day they had me there and now I am, so fuck me more reason to want to sue the whole fucken lot of them.  No drug interaction warnings nothing yet its known to have killed 350 people.  Fuck me is that not a reason to add 1 line to the warnings list.

Im angry and im over everyone.  I go to sleep now need to be up in a couple hours and hope that we finish the work tonight.  In all im pissed off dont want to be alive and suffering because of it.  Welcome to my hell

Horse

Sunday, March 29, 2015

THe night in the shadows.

Well, the menatal health issues continue, I had the police do a wealfare check on me and ended up in the ER again. I want this life over no exceptions just done.  Nothing works my world falls apaart and they worried about proceedure.

Yeah she was quick and efficient but dont really listen tried to make her side of the story the one to go on record and around and around we go.

They are rude obnxious and treat me like I am causing a big hassel.  Next time I will OD and go sit on my rock, least I can die in peace.

Fuck this town, fuck the assholes in it and more importantly fuck those who think they know whats right for me even though I have 10 years direct experience.


Saturday, March 14, 2015

Numb

The last couple of days have been hard, my lithium levels are now at .2 and falling kidney function is back to normal.  All good with one exception, I have blocked out what happened to me.

I should be angry, I should want to scream from the roof tops, I was 12 hours from dying, but I don't.  I just feel numb.  Please don't get me wrong there is a tension inside, a boiling uncontrolled feeling.  It scares me, I need to bleed.

I don't mean to physically cut myself, but to unsettle myself, make myself upset, to release the tension.  My psych is worried I may act out, I am strike out as a release.  Me im worried I will fly into a rage and seriously hurt someone.  Its possible with the past I carry with me.  Its almost like my mind is scared to deal with what has happened.

I tried meditation but to no avail, but the tension is showing in my dreams, and ohh god they are shocking right now.  So numb it is but soon real soon I need to bleed I need the release.

Horse

Sunday, March 8, 2015

So as I write to you what is done and to do

(so that you will understand and wont cry for this man cause low man is due, please forgive me)

Hi guys.  Its been a little while since I last posted.  Today I would like to say I am coming to you from a beach, at my desk or even from on holidays, but im not.  I have spent the last 6 nights in hospital with Lithium Toxicity. They also have issues with my kidney function that they "found" and is  now a reason they want me to stay for more time.

IF they don't allow me to go I will sign myself out.  I have been crying non stop I cant cope with being in here and happy to see renal as outpatients but think I will meet resistance.

Please remember with health care you have a right to refuse. The only time they can force treatment is if your life is in immediate danger

Love u all

Horse

Ps post title is from song called low mans lyric

Saturday, February 7, 2015

The people who choose not to listen.

Hello all;

Its been a few days since my last post and time is marching on already into the new year.  It will be easter before we know it.  I noticed the supermarkets are selling eggs already. 

But today's post is not to do with that its to deal with something that in the past week has caused me to get extremely pissed off with people close to me.  When I go to the trouble to say something at least give me the respect to listen.  3 times in 3 days I have had to repeat myself and something I said because someone hasn't listen the first time and then they try to blame me for the predicament they find themselves in.  I hate the inclination that I was somehow to blame because they did not listen to the advice I had given them.  Its annoying beyond belief and made me quite angry.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that my Psychiatrist, is quite worried about the amount of anger I am carrying and the potential for someone to inadvertently push me into some kind of major event.  Given my non fear of death or pain, and my violent past, he is worried I will lash out.  I haven't done that yet, instead I beat myself up for most of the day, trying to understand what I had done wrong to get to this point.   I came to the conclusion that I was not responsible, that the truth laid with those with whom I was angry.  They had done the wrong thing by not listening to what I had to say and that the events that happened because of that belonged to them.

I cant and wont take on guilt for things others choose to do, or in this case refuse to do.  They need to learn not to lean on me, I have enough of my own problems without trying to save people from themselves.  I hate being the one everyone turns to, the one who will put himself out to help others and then have them run away. 

In the middle of this I have taken on a project to be honest scares me shitless with am I able to do this, I know I have the technical ability but I wonder if I have the stamina left.  So many people drawing from me and 10 days before I need to start to implement the new project.  I need sleep right now and lots of it.  I need everyone to leave me alone so I can get some rest or I run the risk of a major mental event, im not stupid in this respect I know what I have asked of myself, its risky but I am hoping the end results will be great.

So I sign off this post with well wishes for all during the coming weeks.  I may be away for a few days but will be checking back and forward as things progress, I may even do a post or two let you know how I am going.  May peace be with you all

Horse

Friday, January 23, 2015

To my Warriors

From your Lance Leader;

Your Valor, fighting spirit and dedication on the field, proved again why we are the best, and we will server Davion for a long time yet.  To Markus your move to intercept is every reason why we are known as hard fighters and it was glorius to watch you in action.

To the rest of the lance, well do fight on and may the glory be yours.

Work is nearly Done

The work I have been doing enters its last phase before billing today, the customer has expressed his happiness with the work and end numbers considering the amount of alterations that he has made.

Me im just a thank fuck that is over.  I realize why I retired from this work a long time ago. (a) I'm not well enough for the extended stress (b) I'm sick of holding back what I really want to say to the client, especially when they change their mind half way through. (c) I really cant do the work any more I take everything personally where once it would have not mattered.

SO yeah by doing this work I have put my mental health at risk.  Dumb stupid and downright dangerous is what I have done.  I'm lucky im not locked up in a mental ward.  But its all done but the shouting now soon will have the cash to get the equipment then comes the build and installation its all looking fairly easy so fingers crossed.

Ohh so you all know going to use Redhat on the server but setup and install active directory doing a few new things like office 365 and exchange server online all new to me but they look fantastic and windows has offered with the migration :)

Talk soon

Horse