Monday, September 1, 2014

Life Love and something in the middle

Hi;

You know I have had a lot of work this past month, and I am paying the price as they say, my mental condition was aggravated, by the long hours of stress.  But I think it has been worth it.  I have managed to invoice over $3K this month my biggest month in 5 years, and next month will be bigger.

I face some challenges ahead though, the next step is a complete network redesign for the client and I have been working hard to get that under control, its worth some good coin to me, and even better a good ongoing income doing the support.

To top this off, have been asked to do other works by other new customers so things might finally be paying off for me.  The question still remains as to if I can sustain the stress that comes with it.

Away from work, I have found a new way to wake up in the morning, I stumble down stairs turn the kettle on and make a hot cup of earl gray tea with milk and sugar.  I then come upstairs open the curtains and watch Castle hill as the sun plays on its cliff face.  Nice quiet peaceful, I quite enjoy that now and im glad I started to do it.  One advantage of living on your own I suppose.


I will say this, I haven't felt lonely this time around.  I haven't reached over for someone at night, instead I am reveling in the idea of my own independence.  I have re engaged with friends and to be honest I am loving it.  No explaining to people when I don't feel well.  On the look for a new parter, there are a couple of guys I have seen a few times now, I told one guy to bugger off for good earlier this week, it was heading for a disaster I did not want.

Im missing the dogs but have been through this before its not like its the first time. Im hoping I can stay here for at least 12 months, that would give me time to get spare money put away and a bigger client base under my belt.  In doing so I could afford something a little more expensive and a bit nicer to live in.  This place is old, run down but its home for now, not that that is a bad thing, its just what it is.

Take care all

Horse

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

We Mourn the Passing

I have awoken today to the News that sometime during my night last night one of the funniest and brightest sparks in the world took his own life.  The reports say he was battling debilitating depression. 

I know I have shed more than a couple of tears for him today.  One because of the way he touched me in movies like Dead Poets society and because he just made me laugh as a stand up comedian.  An incredible man to us all, but the pain inside must have been to great.

We will miss you Robin, I hope and pray you are laying them in the isles on the other side, and that you finally escaped the manic hell you were personally living. 

RIP you will be sorely missed.

Poor KoKo she now has someone else to mourn, this just breaks my heart




Horse

Monday, August 4, 2014

Music, my life, and fading shadows

Hey all,

Yes don't all faint and fall over two posts close together.  You see I have felt the need to start writing again, im able to put my thoughts and actions into words.  Words are interesting things, they convey emotions intent, and allows us to communicate knowledge and disinformation. They have the power to build and to create destruction on a scale that effects all humanity.

In my world, I use words to convey meaning and I try not to use them as weapons.  Although that is made impossible at times by others actions.  Case in point was today my ex was handed his car back after 12 weeks at the repairer.  To say they job was shit would be the understatement.  My ex stormed off and left me to argue the point.  Which I did very very well at.  But it made me take stock of how others actions can make or break a day.

The assessor who was quite happy with the finish on the car failed to understand that the car was a European and made and built to a standard and that is why it was purchased to hand it back in any other condition is and was totally unacceptable as has the 12 weeks its taken to finish.  Anyway its a battle that I will eventually win, the car is not to specification and as such is not repaired.

Top this off I have had ongoing issues all day nothing wanted to go my way without huge amounts of work. So I am over today and everyone who has made it hell.  Ohh did I mention the voices have had their say today as well, like they have now every day for the past 2 months.

My mental health has not been fantastic, I have just finished an intensive stint of xanax to try and help things and coming off that has not been the best experience ever.  I can sure see why addiction to it happens.  But thats the half off it.  The last man to bring me up as a child has passed and now every one is turning to me asking about my mothers state of mind.  Seems she is becoming increasingly unstable.  Nothing new to me.  I told her 3 weeks ago to loose my number and never talk to me again.  After I had spent a night in the ER (dont ask) and was only allowed home after a friend promised to keep and eye on me.  She called and according to her everything in her life was far more important so I hung up. Nasty of me yes.  Essential to my own health at the time hell yeah.  She can and is incredibly destructive to me.  I have asked her many times to seek help but she uses me instead.

So to the fading shadows, those familiar with anime will understand that reference.  My life is moving on and things that once loomed as overwhelming are fading to the past, my values are changing, and im finding midlife interesting.  Im less focused but finding I now know more of what I want than at any other time in my life.  Im proud of my management of what shit of an illness that I have.  It takes huge chunks of me away yet I find a way with help and tools to get through each drama as it occurs.  Im not strong im not smart but I have insight and that helps me manage things.

In the end I am a damaged person and I always will be, its managing that damage is what matters. Im finding as well that I want out.  Not of my life, but out of the things I am enduring.  I get sad but not in a way that I have in the past.  I wake in the morning with a deep sadness within and it rarely leaves.  Its not the debilitating sadness that comes from the illness it is different.  It seems to have no real source, and the best way I can describe it is a lack of joy.  Im not sure if it is part of the problems I have been having and I suppose only time will tell.

I miss lots of things from my past but I have come to the realisation that I will not have a lot of them again, my life is what it is, and no one has the power to change that only me.  So with the sadness comes the realisation that life is in some respects out of my control.  I always held the belief you made your own way now I believe a lot of what happens is to teach us lessons and to fulfill destiny of both yourself and others.  God is in all man, not just one man but all men.  Therefore there must be a purpose for all of us.  For me I see that as helping others in ways that only I can.  To do so I bare the soul that is mine and the damaged side of me.  No one I know in the real world reads this blog, and thats because if they did I would never be able to write and say what I do.  See like you all I am still influenced by those around me even if I would like to think otherwise.

I want to finish with this thought.  To be a blacksmith you need to do an apprenticeship, to work on cars, work on electrics, plumbing, build houses etc as well.  But to be a word smith, we get no formal training, our life teaches us to speak and write what we do, we can and do great harm with what we say.  But nothing is more assuring than a hand on a shoulder and a kind word from someone important to us.  Its what makes us human and its what creates humanity.












Thursday, July 31, 2014

Its Been a while

Ok to be fair to those who are a little squeamish about guys having sex amongst other things I suggest that you bail on this post.

Ok its been a while since I posted, there has been a lot going on.  I split with my partner moved house got a new car and sent myself broke for 8 weeks. So in all just a couple of things.

Loving my own place, being able to do things as I want to not worried about what other people think its been great.  I have missed the money but that all ends this pay all of the large debts will be gone :) Just the little ones and that leaves me with money to get the extras.

Now I have been a fairly private guy when it comes to my love life or lack there of.  To be honest me and my ex were more friends the last two years than lovers.  Sex on average once every 12 months well need I say any more. 

So its meant that I have enjoyed being single, I have hooked up and had fun with a big group of guys now and I have a nice reputation that goes with that.  I have really explored who I am and who I want to be through all of this and I have found some interesting things

(1) I love men, all shapes all sizes, something just feels right like it was always supposed to be that way.
(2) I love making my partner feel good, feel fantastic is better, im in no hurry to get to an ending
(3) For the first time in my life I understand what the bottom gets out of the equation which I think has made me a lot better in bed
(4) Not all guys are the same and I think that was a bad misconception that is certainly played to by the other side of the equation.
(5) I get a great ego boost by having sex with guys the way I am, for now its good for me I look forward to someone new and trying something new.  I know this wont go on for ever but right now its amazing.  From wondering if it was me that was the reason for no sex to understanding that I am a great top a great guy and that others love being with me
(6) Im not ready to dive back into a relationship just yet.  My ex and I are still friends and he is moving on as well  makes me happy.  But there is still adjustment going on between him and me, its a work in progress.

Now I met this guy early on, the complete opposite of what I would normally be interested in.  He lives about 70kms away and realistically there is no way anything long term could happen.  I like him, but I wonder if I like the differences in that he isnt my normal type.  Or is it the fact that I know it can never be more than what it is now.  Its a hard one, I like the guy but love, thats a whole other word.

My illness has been bad this past 4 days have been nearly over medicated, looks like the episode might be over, which is good because im getting a bit sick of the flashbacks of body parts on a road after a car accident.

Hope your all well

Horse


Saturday, June 28, 2014

I Miss my Dad Today

Woke up this morning wanting to talk to him, then the reality bit.  I do miss him a lot.

Horse

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Shhh dont tell the landlord or the neighbours.

Im being a bit naughty tonight, no its not yet another hookup for some blindness sex, its something way better.

I have my bully staying the night, I will get cuddles and a tongue bath for a wake up in the morning, have a lead here so will walk her when I get up.

Been struggling hard this past 4 days and John suggested that having her here might help me.  So although the complex allows dogs the land lord does not.  But for one night at least she can stay here.

I have a really tight 6 weeks coming up, im kind of really down over it all.  Its the last of the hangover from the move and will I hope finish an end of having more expenses than income.  I have an advertising plan all sorted and costed just no money to do it.  Im going back to the way I built my first business and its a method that works.

More importantly I helped a client make  a smart decision this week, he seems to have some confidence in me again and I hope that means I can make some more money off him along the line.

Have been promised a NBN internet connection Thursday so that should be interesting, shame it took me to go to social media and bag the hell out of the company to get things sorted.  In the end it should work out ok, but by hell im not paying a damn cent for the connection they can shove that bill where it fits.  on 9 occasions I was lied to and fobbed off.  Good thing I worked for myself in the past as I keep detailed notes of who I speak to their ID numbers and what was said.  Tends to screw them all in the end.

I might have Tier 1 NBN Monday night and then I can watch some YouTube docos...


Saturday, June 21, 2014

Ronald Reagan A Soldiers Pledge Listen Learn Remember





Remember we are Americans





Im not but you get the idea.  I love Regan, he changed the world for ever, but he never forgot the hero's those who gave their lives.  He was an interesting man and incredible president.  Its a shame we don't have him now.   Rest In Peace