Saturday, September 13, 2014

To Sleep

Meds taken, drugs taking effect nearly time to sleep.  I love this feeling the feeling of being halfway there, lucid enough to think tired enough to imagine.  For me its a mystical time each day, though it lasts for just minutes, I wonder if its what it would feel like at the rapture.

Godnight dear reader, I hope you sleep when you get it will be deep and soul replenishing, for now the words ends, but tomorrow, yes tomorrow is another day

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The Human Animal

Before I start this, I just want to make sure that everyone understands this is my view of the world, my view of humanity.  I don't expect you to agree with me, in fact I would like this to open a dialogue that allows you to form your own opinion on the matter.  I have not taken the formulation of this blog post lightly and has taken several days in fact to bring together concepts and ideas.  Otherwise I hope you enjoy.
How to open, this has been a debate for me for several days now, but I decided to start at the start, the very beginning of what we know of human beings.
Unlike out ape cousins we stood up, in doing so we changed everything, we were omnivores that allowed us to take advantage of multiple food sources during the seasons and in different parts of the world.  But we had something else, the opposing thumb, it allowed us to use tools, and in doing so our brain evolved.  As man got more successful we did something that no other species on earth has done successfully.  We traded, ideas, tools, weapons, jewellery and hundreds of other products.
We became adaptive, we spread from Africa through Europe Asia and the rest of the world, peoples became diverse and varied dependant on the environments in which they lived.  But more importantly that genetic variance ensured that during the greatest disasters that man was able to survive.
We have been pushed to the brink many times, changes in weather and climate, ice ages, warming and cooling periods, through war and pestilence and we are still here today the most dominate of all species on earth, but are we smart enough to  ensure our own existence past this period by leaving earth for good?
Man is master of his world, he rebuilds after disaster, he rebounds after threats, and his cleverness has allowed us to reach for the stars, cure diseases and build weapons so devastating that only one nation has ever used them in Anger.  Welcome to the Human being.
We are a sum of all the above and more, our genetic variance has seen us recover from events that have wiped out apes and other hominids.  But its these variations that have seen some of the greatest crimes against our own kind.
We like to fight, we like to scrap, and we like to go to war.  We hold ourselves to the highest ideals but in the end it will be the strongest that stands not those with the moral High ground.  To make things more interesting is the fact that we are very good at waging war on each other, with the second world war killing between 25 million and 70 million people, most of those non combatants.  The atrocities against the Jews that we promised we would never allow to happen again has.  In places like USSR, Cambodia, Africa.  We stood by.  Why ?  There was no gain to the trading empire that we had built.  Humans are violent, we are untrustworthy, we are underhanded, we are sneaky and only look out for our own interests.

But we have amazing traits of humanity, of selfless sacrifice, and providing help and service when no one else can.  It starts with helping the family then the friends then the community then the state then the country then the rest of the world.  Selfless religious orders that work with the sick and dying, who provide safe havens for those the world wishes to destroy.  The friendly priest, or religious leader who dedicated his or her life in service.  Our world would be a far more horrible and brutal place without the humanity of those who give of themselves for the betterment of others.
Im reminded of a picture I saw a a child of a man getting out of a limousine in front of a very top end hotel.  To the left a woman in a plain white T-shirt and Jeans is handing out blankets to the homeless man in the alley way.  That image has stuck with me my whole life, it helps me to remember what I have, and what I have to lose.
In the end Human Beings are incredible animals our individual ability to forward humanity into a new age has never been unleashed in a way it has now.  Our invention of the internet and the ability to make ideas a reality because of that has brought us into an golden age.  Our wealth of knowledge continues to accelerate at rates that have been unheard of in human history and I would like to think, that we will leave this rock for the stars, first as explorers then as settlers, and in doing so ensure that we continue to survive for many thousands

Monday, September 8, 2014

Over 1100 pageviews last month thanks

Thanks everyone for reading makes my day to know that you have dropped by.


Sunday, September 7, 2014

TO Take the sad away.

I wish I  could I wish I could reach down inside and flick that switch and turn everything nice for me. its been tough.  I have been sad a long time, and more recently I am beginning to user stand why.

When I was younger I work for the RFS as a volunteer we were told we would not deal with car accidents just fires.  LIARS.  In twelve months we attended 19 fatalities.  That takes its toll.  Walking down a free way pickup up arms feet fingers.  Lumps of skin you have no idea who they belong to.  And the reverencing sickening smell of alcohol

I am permanently damaged from those days, the ones I remember are the ones that took their last breath in my arms nightmares are filled with their images.

I dont bang on about it here but please remember there is a man who has to pick up you and your loved one body par, remember that some people please officer has to make a trip to your house and wake you loved ones to tell them you died on a highway or road tonight.  In the instant of the accident entire worlds fall to pieces and nothing can ever be the same for you or for the volunteer on the highway doing the cleanup.  Speeding is fun till someone dies.  I go to sleep most night with a lifeless face staring off into space, with no heartbeat. Please think, its not just you it effects it effects everybody

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Dont want to be here

As the title suggests I don't want to be here any more tonight.  Its time to take meds and allow sleep to take the sad away.  Will be taking the jagged pill of course, but that sometimes makes things worse not better.  I dont have my boy to keep an eye on me, so I guess Im doing this on my own.

I shouldnt be feeling this way but I am, im worried about my future and ultimately im worried about what happens next with me.  I have images in my head of people finding me laying on the top of the bed dead.  Me escaped the illness and life at the same time.  Its a feeling from my damaged soul, tonight I may want to sleep with the angels but will they want to sleep with me

BP sucks. 

 Just the nightly dose happens every day how do you think it makes me feel to have to swallow all that.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Life Love and something in the middle


You know I have had a lot of work this past month, and I am paying the price as they say, my mental condition was aggravated, by the long hours of stress.  But I think it has been worth it.  I have managed to invoice over $3K this month my biggest month in 5 years, and next month will be bigger.

I face some challenges ahead though, the next step is a complete network redesign for the client and I have been working hard to get that under control, its worth some good coin to me, and even better a good ongoing income doing the support.

To top this off, have been asked to do other works by other new customers so things might finally be paying off for me.  The question still remains as to if I can sustain the stress that comes with it.

Away from work, I have found a new way to wake up in the morning, I stumble down stairs turn the kettle on and make a hot cup of earl gray tea with milk and sugar.  I then come upstairs open the curtains and watch Castle hill as the sun plays on its cliff face.  Nice quiet peaceful, I quite enjoy that now and im glad I started to do it.  One advantage of living on your own I suppose.

I will say this, I haven't felt lonely this time around.  I haven't reached over for someone at night, instead I am reveling in the idea of my own independence.  I have re engaged with friends and to be honest I am loving it.  No explaining to people when I don't feel well.  On the look for a new parter, there are a couple of guys I have seen a few times now, I told one guy to bugger off for good earlier this week, it was heading for a disaster I did not want.

Im missing the dogs but have been through this before its not like its the first time. Im hoping I can stay here for at least 12 months, that would give me time to get spare money put away and a bigger client base under my belt.  In doing so I could afford something a little more expensive and a bit nicer to live in.  This place is old, run down but its home for now, not that that is a bad thing, its just what it is.

Take care all


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

We Mourn the Passing

I have awoken today to the News that sometime during my night last night one of the funniest and brightest sparks in the world took his own life.  The reports say he was battling debilitating depression. 

I know I have shed more than a couple of tears for him today.  One because of the way he touched me in movies like Dead Poets society and because he just made me laugh as a stand up comedian.  An incredible man to us all, but the pain inside must have been to great.

We will miss you Robin, I hope and pray you are laying them in the isles on the other side, and that you finally escaped the manic hell you were personally living. 

RIP you will be sorely missed.

Poor KoKo she now has someone else to mourn, this just breaks my heart