Friday, January 23, 2015

To my Warriors

From your Lance Leader;

Your Valor, fighting spirit and dedication on the field, proved again why we are the best, and we will server Davion for a long time yet.  To Markus your move to intercept is every reason why we are known as hard fighters and it was glorius to watch you in action.

To the rest of the lance, well do fight on and may the glory be yours.

Work is nearly Done

The work I have been doing enters its last phase before billing today, the customer has expressed his happiness with the work and end numbers considering the amount of alterations that he has made.

Me im just a thank fuck that is over.  I realize why I retired from this work a long time ago. (a) I'm not well enough for the extended stress (b) I'm sick of holding back what I really want to say to the client, especially when they change their mind half way through. (c) I really cant do the work any more I take everything personally where once it would have not mattered.

SO yeah by doing this work I have put my mental health at risk.  Dumb stupid and downright dangerous is what I have done.  I'm lucky im not locked up in a mental ward.  But its all done but the shouting now soon will have the cash to get the equipment then comes the build and installation its all looking fairly easy so fingers crossed.

Ohh so you all know going to use Redhat on the server but setup and install active directory doing a few new things like office 365 and exchange server online all new to me but they look fantastic and windows has offered with the migration :)

Talk soon

Horse

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Its a McMorning

Well, I awoke about an hour ago and I feel like a Sausage and Egg McMuffin and a Hasbrown, topped off with a large Fanta.

Ohh so healthy of me but after the way I have been feeling this past week I think I deserve a dirty treat.


Hope your day starts out great as well.  After breakfast its down to contracts ohh the joy.

Horse

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Freedom is not limmitless ???

Hi Reader.  What the hell is the Turkish PM on.  Freedom is Freedom no limit.  It means you can say what you like.  Censorship is no freedom at all.

Neo Nazi's spew hate throughout the western world, I hate the message and what it stands for but I will go shoulder to shoulder with these scum bags to protect their right to say it.

Freedom isn't something that you limit.  That becomes censorship.  Also what is limited who makes that decision.  Government.  Well we all know how that goes, ask anyone in Stalin's Russia or North Korea, or China for that matter.  I could add a huge number of African and south American states to that as well.

In my country every attempt at curtailing the internet has been derailed by the public because we fear a system when the government re-enters our homes and our bedrooms. 

So to the Turkish PM.  Grow the fuck up.  You are no better than your communist neighbours, you talk freedom but you mean repression, you talk of a free press but only a free press you like. 

Freedom is Freedom hands off those who want to put limits, one day it may bite you.  I have said many times freedom is worth fighting for.  I do not always like what anonymous do but for ever bad cause they have others, we are using the same methods the terrorists do to keep our enemy on their toes.  To make it clear I have never participated in anything they have done, but after 20+ years in IT I recognise that some of its members at least are my age with my education level.  I hope they can keep fighting for us for the next 500 years and keep this form of reporting free from state control



Friday, January 16, 2015

So the Cycle continues

Hey all; well the cycle continues im crashing and fairly hard at that. Physically unwell I caught a stomach bug over christmas and my usuall complaints left me on 4 lots of anti biotics this past week.

Im over tired, I am stressed and I have been having thoughts of suicide once again.  Been to the point of planning in my head how I will end it.  What I will leave behind and ultimately what I believe will happen to my body and my soul once I die.

It cant be right to be punished this way, I have paid more for my mistakes than any man on earth I am sure.  Tonight I am sitting here sleep not coming like it should.  I have taken the normal med supply will delve into the extra's shortly.

So why do I say its a cycle.  Every year since my breakdown I come off a kind of manic high and collapse into a depressed state.  No its worse than that I fall into a place where I no longer care if I wake up tomorrow or not.  Where I no longer care what people think of me the wonderful but hollow compliments.  I cant allow myself to think anything because when I do the end result is suicide and sometimes who I want to take with me.

None of what I said above is nice, none of it accurately coveys what it feels like to be at this place this nexus of no emotion and complete detachment from reality,  I have been here before many times, but that doesnt make it easier, it just reminds me of whats ahead and right now that is to much for my brain to cope with.  This waking up each day feeling like you missed the end of the world.

I have lived here nearly a year a year on my own but I still don't know where I am when I open my eyes and often spend the first 45 mins creeping around not to wake anyone up.  Which is stupid since Im the only one who lives here. I forget things I have done, and think I have done things I haven't. Im a mess and right now its more than I can cope with.

I have spoken to professional help 4 times today, they are not much help and im to screwed up to go to temple would probably have a car crash.

This time around its a little different, my anger with certain people is coming through and I want to hurt them, I want them to feel the hurt they created me.  I want to tell certain people exactly what I think of them as I choke them.  This is kinda new normally I internalize my hate but I wonder what it would feel like if I followed through.  Im not likely to so no need to send the thought police after me,.

You see talking no longer matters, its just words, my future is screwed my life is screwed, the punishment never ends and it doesnt get better from here just worse.  So someone anyone explain to me 3 good reasons I should stay.  Let me rule out a couple.. (1) Family, its a complete waste of time,  (2) my new partner, he is more likely to die by his own hand than me (3) Friends, Friends come and go and as such my departure wont mean much.  So go on I fucken dare you, I want you the people who have read my blog again and again to get help.  I dare you write me some great reasons as to why I should bother staying alive long enough to see the dawn.  After all Im not afraid of death but this pain has to end.
I hope someone screams for me tonight, because right now im in the dark alone and losing the fight.


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Passd 50,000

Thanks to all that read, makes me feel kind of humble since I never set out to make those kind of numbers. 

Thanks

They have a right to do it

Yeah thats right thye had a right to make fun at the prophet, they were right to stand their ground.  We should never back down to such threats.  This week the French people showed that they strongly believe in the freedom of the press and as such, the attacks have lost their power to strike fear.

I believe the paper is about to release another magazine where they make fun of the prophet, I agree fully with their right to do so.  Freedom of press means you can say what you want, without restriction and if you don't like what they have to say then don't read it.

Its a load of BS and most Muslims probably don't subscribe to the stupidity that saw gunmen in a cartoon office.  You guys need to make more noise because most cant hear it and think that you agree with the actions.

If these things keep happening I see a race war being fought and goodluck with that one.