Monday, April 7, 2014

It creeps it crawls its always there

Hi, all not sure how this will come out but here goes.

As mentioned I had a really bad incident a week or so ago now, and I am still paying the consequences for that.  I have developed a permanent tremor down my left side, and I haven’t eaten a full meal since.  Even a piece of toast comes back up.

Spoke to my psychiatrist about it he thinks both are related to the meltdown.  You see no matter how well I manage the illness it can come back and bite me.  He says it is a testimate to me how well I have managed myself and my illness to go so long without this.

I am still pulled apart, and im unsure how I go back together.  The truth of that night that morning is difficult to recant without showing a side of me that is painful.  But to do so I hope that I can help others cope with this.

This all started out quite normally for me, the voices started mid afternoon and were in a particularly  bad mood with me, so around 7.00pm I took my normal meds and a jagged little pill.  Now I dont remember lots about what happened next, but I awake around 8.30 am and took another pill.  Then again 15 mins after that.  That was accidental.  What happend from here on in was not.

I made the decision I could not cope any more and I wanted out.  I took a further 8mg of xanax and went back to sleep hoping to never wake up.  I know unless you have been here that is difficult to hear.  It wasnt set off by anything it was just the way things were.  I woke up the second time with the sole purpose of not being here any more.

I went to sleep, im not sure how long I was under but I was having this amazing dream.  We were all at my grandparents place, everyone I have lost and loved over the years was there including my dad and Ryan.  It was so lovely so perfect.  I had been there a while when dad said "Why don't you stay".  I didn't understand what he meant then a couple others asked me to stay,  I started to feel uneasy.

The rest of what happened is in a previous post. The people I lost were there and they wanted me to stay.  I still feel I made the wrong decision.

I hope over time as different things happen to me that I will be able to shake that feeling.  People are so scared of death but I have been so close twice now, and neither time I was afraid.  I remember how bright everything was.

So I try and work through these things the best I can.  Lifeline have been good a couple times that I have needed this past week.  My partner and I broke up but that had been on the cards for a while.  While we are friends its no longer more than that.  I think I am going to be moving out alone soon, and I like that idea.

Since I have been single I have been sleeping around (safely) and be nice to have a place to go to that I didnt have to work around everyone else

Am I well right now ?  No im not there hasnt been a day go by that I have not looked long and hard at that bottle.  I have issues with thought patterns, coordination and a few other issues since that morning.  It is still likely that I will end up in hospital for a stay, but I am trying not to.  This last meltdown has done me major mental damage and I amy never be the same.  On the funny side if I dont eat I will be less fat lol

Anyway thanks for reading everyone

Ohh below is a link that I hope you take the time to listen too I hope it helps give you some insight into what happens to people like me

Tedx

Friday, March 28, 2014

Its time to write. WARNING THIS IS NOT NICE STUFF

I have been home a week nearly now and to say I have been unwell mentally is an understatement.  But something happened on Tuesday night into Wednesday that has me on the verge of an extended stay in the psych ward.

The long and the short of it I nearly died.  Its why that is complicated and the after affects have been devastating to me. It all started innocent enough.   I was exhausted and as such the voices were there giving me their version of my life.  I took xanax as a normnally do and went to bed.  THats the nornmal part of this story its what happened in the next 10 hours that changed me into a highly medicated person.

I awoke some time in the morning with the voices so I went and took more xanax.  What I did not realise is during the next 45 mins I took another 4 full tablets.  (Yes thats enough to kill you) espeically since I had the night befores stll in the system.  I went to sleep and had this amazing dream about all the people that I loved who had passed on.  It was amamzing it was perfect.  A place of my heaven.

But i realized something wasn't right.  Something wasn't right with this dream.  My nan started first saying you should stay.  I asked stay where, my father replied here with us its amazing.  I started to get very uneasy.  My grandfather said its ok Stuart its fine here you will love it.  That scared me he never called me by my first name.  I then realized I wasn't breathing. I was on the verge of death.  I fought like crazy to roll over and take a full breath.
And you wonder why I feel the way I do.

I then cried and cried and cried.  I had made the wrong decision I should have gone with them.  Every day since I have felt this, I don't want to be here in this world.  I want the world of my memories of my lost family and friends, not this hell I live through.  I have been under constant care and phone calls for two days.  I want to go back there I don't want to be here any more.  I realized I was asked to make a choice I chose life when death was the obvious choice.

I beleive I knew how many tablets I had taken its not like me not to know.  I did not want to wake up, and I am still capable of doing it again.  The pain I feel right now is so horrible, I feel I failed yet again, all I had to to was agree to stay and it would have been over.  Surrounded by my loved ones no fear no anxiety just me and them.

So right now I am crying again, im so sorry I made the wrong decision, I should have died Tuesday and now I have to live through this feeling.  I hate myself I failed again.

Im on huge quantities of Xanax anti depressants and sleeping tablets trying to get me to sleep through it.  I just look at the pills now and say to myslef its my way out of this hell.  My life will be over and very few will even notice.  My mother will continue her selfish self centered life, and others in my life will forget about me quickly.  I am a waste of space and oxygen thief and I will never be anything better than am I am today.  So with that in mind I contemplate the next step towards ending this life..

I have 150 Xanax pills on the desk here counted them twice tonight.  I know no one will truly miss me, and the only people who will really care are those who I have helped through this blog.  But eventually it will be taken down to.  It wont be some great monument to my life, but rather a dismal attempt to explain why myself and others find suicide a better option than the life we live.  We have nothing left to loose and everything to gain.   I might call an ambulance at some point but then again why come for me others are more important I am just a low life piece of shit.

You the reading people have no concept of what it is to feel this pain, to accept I was so close to being all over and I blew it.  Life has been nothing but a cunt to me my whole life.  Yeah I was successful in business and had all the toys, but that time is long go nearly a decade now.  I have very little and what I do have is broken and in constant need for repair.  Repairs I cant afford.  I have nothing and they wont even spread my ashes, they will end up in a paupers garden at the cememtry.  Im a lost cause my physical health is failing as well and I am only 41.  Another 40 years of this is to much for me to even contemplate.  And for the first time in decades I dread the dawn because it rubs salt into the already open wounds of my failures as a real person and my now very limited life. never ever able to do anything that I would like to because I have no way of doing it.  I fall apart and want to die, im of no use to anyone any more not even to myself

My failure is just systemic of my life since I was 30 im a useless piece of crap stealing oxygen from great men.  I cant help anyone or save anyone. Im great for advice to others but inside im as hurt and destroyed as they are.  Im a failure I have no great strength to get me through.  Instead im taking 8mg of xanax a day in the hope it will get me through, I keep taking 10 tablets aside for tonight, I wonder if I have the balls to make the right choice this time.  When I am gone everyone can move on and my memory will be a sad past of someone broken by their own life and now well beyond any mortal help.

If any of you think you have something to say to me email me at cz0emc5+7l987g@sharklasers.com 

Just click the above link its a temporary email, kind suits as I wont be around to cancell it the way I am right now.

Thanks for reading I don't deserve anny of your efforts, its like me in the end i am what I am and that is a waste of space, at least when I am gone people can return to normal
May he come for me because I am waiting for him




Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I nearly met my maker

Hi;

Well last 48 hours havent been great and this morning I swsa struggling to hang on to my life.  I have had bad voices and this has led me to tale xanax.  I knew I had taken to much when my dream only had dead people in it.

I became aware I wasn't breathing and what followed for me was the worst nightmare ever.  I tried in vain to get my body to roll over to make me breath.  All the times things in the dream asking me to stay not to go.

There was both peace there and panic I was on the verge of death.  The fact I am sill talking at all right now is just chance. 1/2 milligram more and you would have heard about my funeral. Death nearly took me this morning and if I hadn't been aware im sure it wouild have.

Im  a little shaken right now,not sure when I will talk about this in the real world but im shaken  thats for sure.

Horse

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Im home

OK, I made it bloody long trip.  Now before you read any further this is about the car, and my getting to the end of the BS its been doing of late.

While I was away I took my car into the French car specialist in Melbourne.  They did a bang up job identifying my surging loss of power issues.  In searching for the problem they found that there was no fuel in the car although the guage read 1/4 or above.  They grabbed a reco unit and put it in tested it and it worked.

Fast forward a week of driving around keeping the tank full.  The car ran amazingly all its power back etc etc etc.  Now today was a short hop a mere 750kms.  Working on what the car holds I knew I needed a splash and dash (quick fill up around 10ltrs).  This is where things get strange.  I let the gauge drop below half, about half way between 1/4 and 1/2 full.  I was coming into town and thought I had plenty of fuel.  That was until the first round about (traffic circle for you American readers).  I took it as speed because it was clear and the engine stopped for about 3 or 4 seconds no power at all.  Thought that was strange then it kept running ok.

Next round about was the same this time I dropped for a 60km/hr exit speed to 20kms/hr before it reignited.  It travelled alight on straight stretches up hills and long corners.  So I thought there are two more round abouts lets see if I can repeat it.  It repeated.  Now I got home emailed the mechanic and then started to run some numbers from the on-board travel computer.  Seems I should only have around 8ltrs in the tank.  Hmm now that’s a problem because the gauge and emergency shut down systems in the car thinks its between 1/2 and 1/4.

So logically there is no fuel in the tank hence the cut out.  I have contacted the mechanic from the french auto company that did the repair.  Looks like I will have to remove the back seat and replace a replacement unit when it arrives. 

To be honest this feels like the straw that has broken the camels back with this car.  I love it to pieces its quick and lovely to drive but I now feel I can no longer trust the car.  Can you imagine what would have happened had I ran out of fuel on that 350km section where there is nothing.  No cell coverage no cars and farm houses miles away.  I have been so angry since I got home about it all, I get the feeling that this car is nothing but trouble and no matter what I do something else will break.  I sold the only new car I had this decade and I am still paying the price.  Talk about BS.

Anyway im pretty annoyed at the world right now.

Horse


Sunday, March 16, 2014

A post from Beyond

Hi all;

Well been away from home since my last post.  I have travelled over 3900kms and been to see a specialist in Ballarat.  I have had my car in for long awaited repairs that I could not get sorted at home, and I get to pick it up tomorrow.

More importantly I havent killed mum, though I have been close.  I hope if I get paid early next week to head home to see my boys and my partner on Wednesday.  Hopefully with a car that is running on song and will be enjoyable to drive.

In all should be a good week if I get paid on time if not... I will get grumpy and blast the client in only the way I know how lol.

Hope your all doing well, mentally im ok but very very tired.  Been sleeping badly at night here not sure why, but I cant wait to get into my own bed.

Catch u all later

Horse

Friday, February 28, 2014

I leave in the morning.

Well I leave at 6.00am I am as packed as I can get for now.  Nervous doesnt cut it to be honest.

It will be good im sure, couple of days away from this house and everything I love, but I need the break more than I am probably going to admit while online, im sure the kms will glide by as I process my life for the past 12 months.

I trust my car and my driving so wish me luck all.  I will blog along the way let you know where I am.  I look at this as the first day of a step towards dealing with my physcial health issues.

See u all later


Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Disjointed day

Its been an interesting day for me, I got my car back today and did some more work on it in preparation for the drive south.

But I have had a strange day mentally.  Its like forgetfulness but not.  I would go to do something like get a drink and go to the pantry rather than the Fridge.  Its strange because once I do it I think well that was stupid and do it all over again.

I even went for a lay down this afternoon, had a small sleep hoping it might fix it but it hasn’t.  Even typing this im all over the place with the letters.  Frustrating to say the least.

Anyway, im sure after another 12 hours it will be all sorted again.  Amazing what a good night sleep will do