Sunday, October 19, 2014

I can hear it baying for my soul

Hi reader;

Today isn't great, woke up this way.  Everything feels black even the sun.  I hear the dog's baying for my soul to devour it here in the blackness.  They want to take it all away to make me not exist, to make me a marked one.

I have no defense against this, this overwhelming feeling,  I have no way of defending myself about the dark beasts that bay for my destruction.  Its dark hear and the pain unbearable, suicide has been on my mind since I rose.  But I don't think I have the guts to follow through. Makes me feel even more gutless and worthless than I already do.

I hate what this does to me another part of me dies today, its worse than death by 1000 cuts.

I wonder if I will ever leave this room even today, because right now the idea of going out scares me to death.


Monday, October 13, 2014

Why is it ?

Hi all;

Todays question relates to customers, who tell you they want very specific things but when you quote them the cost they have a heart attack.  Case in point.  Customer has a digital IP CCTV system installed. Its .5mp very average image quality.  client says needs to be crystal clear,  I quote crystal clear but thats to expensive.

Now this isnt just related to this customer its related to a lot of customers, I always encourage them to look for what they want online then come to me.  But it seems they see what they want and think that I can magically make them 30% cheaper.  Its damn frustrating especially when you quoting time is getting shorter by the day.

I love IT but I hate this shit, then the whole issue of getting paid on time and the list simply goes on and on.

Now to be fair, IT is confusing even for me at times, but for a customer not to know what they require then ask me to work that out for them worries me a lot.  Not because I cant quote the right equipment but because quite often they are left to the wolves with other areas of the business so inherently they dont trust ,me.

So the situation ends like this. Client has unreal expectations, client doesnt trust the IT staff to do the job, but then places whole job into IT Staffs hands to work out.  Fantastic dont you think.  Its no wonder im fat and bald.

I know one thing even at the reduced cost it should be a great system for them.

If only I could make it someone else issue not mine,  Though I really do need the money


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Im seeing a fellow crazy

Hey all, just a quick note im, no longer single seeing a lovely guy who is also BP, we get on great right now and I hope it continues.

Back for a real post tomorrow


Friday, September 19, 2014

The night has come

Just watched the end of the day, and the coming of the night.  I havent been great today things have meant I medicated and slept most of it.  Even now I feel the influence of the medications.  I love this time of day, after the light changes and the sky turns dark.

I feel surrounded, enveloped, its its completeness.  I have no lights on just the computer screen casting long sharp shadows around the room and on me.  I'm not frightened here, it feels safe, clam and more importantly less stressful than the light.  This isnt the darkness within but the darkness without.  The darkness I walk into away from the fire at night in the dessert, solitude, safety and most importantly the end of the daylight

I need to break the dark now, much to my dispair, as its time to eat dinner watch the news and settle in for the night.  But remember the darkness is every bit as important as the light

Saturday, September 13, 2014

To Sleep

Meds taken, drugs taking effect nearly time to sleep.  I love this feeling the feeling of being halfway there, lucid enough to think tired enough to imagine.  For me its a mystical time each day, though it lasts for just minutes, I wonder if its what it would feel like at the rapture.

Godnight dear reader, I hope you sleep when you get it will be deep and soul replenishing, for now the words ends, but tomorrow, yes tomorrow is another day

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The Human Animal

Before I start this, I just want to make sure that everyone understands this is my view of the world, my view of humanity.  I don't expect you to agree with me, in fact I would like this to open a dialogue that allows you to form your own opinion on the matter.  I have not taken the formulation of this blog post lightly and has taken several days in fact to bring together concepts and ideas.  Otherwise I hope you enjoy.
How to open, this has been a debate for me for several days now, but I decided to start at the start, the very beginning of what we know of human beings.
Unlike our ape cousins we stood up, in doing so we changed everything, we were omnivores that allowed us to take advantage of multiple food sources during the seasons and in different parts of the world.  But we had something else, the opposing thumb, it allowed us to use tools, and in doing so our brain evolved.  As man got more successful we did something that no other species on earth has done successfully.  We traded, ideas, tools, weapons, jewellery and hundreds of other products.
We became adaptive, we spread from Africa through Europe Asia and the rest of the world, peoples became diverse and varied dependent on the environments in which they lived.  But more importantly that genetic variance ensured that during the greatest disasters that man was able to survive. 
We have been pushed to the brink many times, changes in weather and climate, ice ages, warming and cooling periods, through war and pestilence and we are still here today the most dominate of all species on earth, but are we smart enough to  ensure our own existence past this period by leaving earth for good?
Man is master of his world, he rebuilds after disaster, he rebounds after threats, and his cleverness has allowed us to reach for the stars, cure diseases and build weapons so devastating that only one nation has ever used them in Anger. 

  Welcome to the Human being.
We are a sum of all the above and more, our genetic variance has seen us recover from events that have wiped out apes and other hominids.  But its these variations that have seen some of the greatest crimes against our own kind.
We like to fight, we like to scrap, and we like to go to war.  We hold ourselves to the highest ideals but in the end it will be the strongest that stands not those with the moral High ground.  To make things more interesting is the fact that we are very good at waging war on each other, with the second world war killing between 25 million and 70 million people, most of those non combatants.  

The atrocities against the Jews that we promised we would never allow to happen again has.  In places like USSR, Cambodia, Africa.  We stood by.  Why ?  There was no gain to the trading empire that we had built.  Humans are violent, we are untrustworthy, we are underhanded, we are sneaky and only look out for our own interests.

But we have amazing traits of humanity, of selfless sacrifice, and providing help and service when no one else can.  It starts with helping the family then the friends then the community then the state then the country then the rest of the world.  Selfless religious orders that work with the sick and dying, who provide safe havens for those the world wishes to destroy.  The friendly priest, or religious leader who dedicated his or her life in service.  Our world would be a far more horrible and brutal place without the humanity of those who give of themselves for the betterment of others.
Im reminded of a picture I saw a a child of a man getting out of a limousine in front of a very top end hotel.  To the left a woman in a plain white T-shirt and Jeans is handing out blankets to the homeless man in the alley way.  That image has stuck with me my whole life, it helps me to remember what I have, and what I have to lose. 
In the end Human Beings are incredible animals our individual ability to forward humanity into a new age has never been unleashed in a way it has now.  Our invention of the internet and the ability to make ideas a reality because of that has brought us into an golden age.  Our wealth of knowledge continues to accelerate at rates that have been unheard of in human history and I would like to think, that we will leave this rock for the stars, first as explorers then as settlers, and in doing so ensure that we continue to survive for many thousands

Monday, September 8, 2014

Over 1100 pageviews last month thanks

Thanks everyone for reading makes my day to know that you have dropped by.