Saturday, October 25, 2014

It did not get better

Feel like crap, physically, and mentally im in a black hole.  I cant type properly which is causing me no end of grief.  Sometimes its never to have been born thats how I feel today and everything that goes with that.

THe MI makes everything worse than it has to be, but it does not give you the means to ignore it.

BP sux


Please not today

Got paid this morning paid all the bills have not a cent left.  Clients owe me money and I have a quote to finish which should bring in money in a couple weeks,

But been feeling bad this week taken new anti-biotics since old ones don't work any more, see if they can knock down the cold.  But I just want to not be here today.  I dont want to be breathing I dont want to be even typing this.  Im taking stilnox already taken a valium.

Hope I wake in a better state of mind


Sunday, October 19, 2014

I can hear it baying for my soul

Hi reader;

Today isn't great, woke up this way.  Everything feels black even the sun.  I hear the dog's baying for my soul to devour it here in the blackness.  They want to take it all away to make me not exist, to make me a marked one.

I have no defense against this, this overwhelming feeling,  I have no way of defending myself about the dark beasts that bay for my destruction.  Its dark hear and the pain unbearable, suicide has been on my mind since I rose.  But I don't think I have the guts to follow through. Makes me feel even more gutless and worthless than I already do.

I hate what this does to me another part of me dies today, its worse than death by 1000 cuts.

I wonder if I will ever leave this room even today, because right now the idea of going out scares me to death.


Monday, October 13, 2014

Why is it ?

Hi all;

Todays question relates to customers, who tell you they want very specific things but when you quote them the cost they have a heart attack.  Case in point.  Customer has a digital IP CCTV system installed. Its .5mp very average image quality.  client says needs to be crystal clear,  I quote crystal clear but thats to expensive.

Now this isnt just related to this customer its related to a lot of customers, I always encourage them to look for what they want online then come to me.  But it seems they see what they want and think that I can magically make them 30% cheaper.  Its damn frustrating especially when you quoting time is getting shorter by the day.

I love IT but I hate this shit, then the whole issue of getting paid on time and the list simply goes on and on.

Now to be fair, IT is confusing even for me at times, but for a customer not to know what they require then ask me to work that out for them worries me a lot.  Not because I cant quote the right equipment but because quite often they are left to the wolves with other areas of the business so inherently they dont trust ,me.

So the situation ends like this. Client has unreal expectations, client doesnt trust the IT staff to do the job, but then places whole job into IT Staffs hands to work out.  Fantastic dont you think.  Its no wonder im fat and bald.

I know one thing even at the reduced cost it should be a great system for them.

If only I could make it someone else issue not mine,  Though I really do need the money


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Im seeing a fellow crazy

Hey all, just a quick note im, no longer single seeing a lovely guy who is also BP, we get on great right now and I hope it continues.

Back for a real post tomorrow


Friday, September 19, 2014

The night has come

Just watched the end of the day, and the coming of the night.  I havent been great today things have meant I medicated and slept most of it.  Even now I feel the influence of the medications.  I love this time of day, after the light changes and the sky turns dark.

I feel surrounded, enveloped, its its completeness.  I have no lights on just the computer screen casting long sharp shadows around the room and on me.  I'm not frightened here, it feels safe, clam and more importantly less stressful than the light.  This isnt the darkness within but the darkness without.  The darkness I walk into away from the fire at night in the dessert, solitude, safety and most importantly the end of the daylight

I need to break the dark now, much to my dispair, as its time to eat dinner watch the news and settle in for the night.  But remember the darkness is every bit as important as the light

Saturday, September 13, 2014

To Sleep

Meds taken, drugs taking effect nearly time to sleep.  I love this feeling the feeling of being halfway there, lucid enough to think tired enough to imagine.  For me its a mystical time each day, though it lasts for just minutes, I wonder if its what it would feel like at the rapture.

Godnight dear reader, I hope you sleep when you get it will be deep and soul replenishing, for now the words ends, but tomorrow, yes tomorrow is another day