So I talk again about the pain
Hi all, warning this may end up long. Then again that seems to be theme with me of late. I was trolling through my past posts and noticed with great pride that my most popular posts were about my struggle with mental illness. It seems that others have been reading and in the end that is exactly why I bear my soul here.
http://theoldtinshed.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/to-see-into-darkness.html
Above is one of my favorite posts and, has been read a lot by others. Some of the themes in there I wanted to elaborate on today. You see the darkness I talk about is not a quantitative thing. To others it would be a nice place. But to me its a place that scares me, where the insecurities and evil intent live.
Its never a nice place to go or to see. I have stared at myself in the mirror and what I saw churning beneath the blue eyes really scares me. If I let it run, if I gave in the fight the outcome for me would not be good and for others probably far worse. I recognise the nasty side of my nature the one that can and will do anything that it deems necessary for its own needs. It will take and destroy everything that is dear to me, and in the process destroy my very existence. Such is the nature of the darkness within.
Some people around me today have seen glimpses of that, of the soul destroying things that live there. When I awake in the middle of the night screaming, when I convulse stuck between a nightmare and being awake, it is simply not possible to hide the pain the blackness, the underlying evil that haunts me. The morality of my behaviours are tempered by the beastly intent that lurks beneath. I control it, I ignore it, and at the very least I drug myself to hide from it, but its like the face within it sees everything.
That face uses my fears my failures as weapons against my sanity. Its not easy to live when you constantly hear that your worthless that you should be dead, that way everyone one around you would be better off. Everyone fears, everyone fails, but for me these are things I cannot control. If it was mortal fear of my life I could but because its about other things I cant. Its not fair and nor is it fun to live through this. I often wonder how many people could realistically survive a week in my shoes.
What you don't understand about me is why I am still here when others are not. I would love to lie to you and tell you its all about inner strength, that its about pre planning and good medications. But its not. I nearly died from my own actions and it was sheer chance that kept me alive. Since then I have edged so close to the abyss so many times. Times when I have wanted it over, when I have wanted not be be here, to simply give up and let nature take its course. You see I don't see myself as natural, I exist in this world because of outside intervention, and from learning how to look after myself, there is nothing natural there.
I feel extended empathy where once there was none, I feel more and think less, but is that a good thing? I want to be normal, but I know that there is never a chance of that happening. I wonder if there is a better way without the drugs. But I also know what happens to me when I stop taking them. The pain and emptiness becomes overwhelming as do the voices and the hallucinations, I feel the need to withdraw further and in doing so, I cut myself off from the world, which forever pushes me closer to the abyss.
I suppose at this point I should let you know what keeps me going, what keeps me from going over the edge for good. Its simple really, I tell myself that tomorrow the sun will rise, and should I want to I can go see it. Its a certainty that makes me take stock. It will rise tomorrow whether or not I take my last breath tonight, and that in a way gives me enough certainty to make it through the worst of it. The thought that tomorrow is coming and it will be different from today is all it takes sometimes to keep me from taking the final step. To end the pain this illness brings and the uncertainty that it lords over my future I must always believe in tomorrow, because sometimes today is simply to hard to take.
For those of you reading this who have suffered the same or are just beginning your road with mental illness please understand this. No one said it would be easy, no one has said its impossible. No one has said this is the end of life as you know it. In the end its all about you. About how you operate, how you want to interact with the world and your treatments. You can sit back and be passive and blame everyone in the world for the way you are. Or you can take stock, read as much as you can and become proactive in your treatment and also into your insight of your own illness. If you do this when the voices come when the bad day comes, you can say I did my best, you cant break me, you cant destroy me, because I am me, and tomorrow I am going to go watch that sunrise, secure in the knowledge I have the best treatment and the best insight because I made it that way.
In the end my illness is about me. Not my partner nor my friends its about me and how I deal with it. Not every one will agree with me when I say that. But you know I could loose my partner loose my friends tomorrow and you know what the Illness will still be here it will still be with me, its the only other certainty in my life.
So take care of yourself, talk when you have to be silent when you need to. But remember the only person saving your life from the illness is you. We all carry the pain and the blackness, choose like me not to indulge it to much. Make it part of you but not the reason for your existance. Some times I get it right some times I get it wrong, we all do and all will, in a way its what makes us special and different from everyone else. We have been to a place where they dare not tread, and have returned. That in itself is amazing.
Horse
Ohh and I read this a little earlier thought it might be food for thought, words sometimes are hard to find on your own, but when others speak them for you they become forever powerful
http://theoldtinshed.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/to-see-into-darkness.html
Above is one of my favorite posts and, has been read a lot by others. Some of the themes in there I wanted to elaborate on today. You see the darkness I talk about is not a quantitative thing. To others it would be a nice place. But to me its a place that scares me, where the insecurities and evil intent live.
Its never a nice place to go or to see. I have stared at myself in the mirror and what I saw churning beneath the blue eyes really scares me. If I let it run, if I gave in the fight the outcome for me would not be good and for others probably far worse. I recognise the nasty side of my nature the one that can and will do anything that it deems necessary for its own needs. It will take and destroy everything that is dear to me, and in the process destroy my very existence. Such is the nature of the darkness within.
Some people around me today have seen glimpses of that, of the soul destroying things that live there. When I awake in the middle of the night screaming, when I convulse stuck between a nightmare and being awake, it is simply not possible to hide the pain the blackness, the underlying evil that haunts me. The morality of my behaviours are tempered by the beastly intent that lurks beneath. I control it, I ignore it, and at the very least I drug myself to hide from it, but its like the face within it sees everything.
That face uses my fears my failures as weapons against my sanity. Its not easy to live when you constantly hear that your worthless that you should be dead, that way everyone one around you would be better off. Everyone fears, everyone fails, but for me these are things I cannot control. If it was mortal fear of my life I could but because its about other things I cant. Its not fair and nor is it fun to live through this. I often wonder how many people could realistically survive a week in my shoes.
What you don't understand about me is why I am still here when others are not. I would love to lie to you and tell you its all about inner strength, that its about pre planning and good medications. But its not. I nearly died from my own actions and it was sheer chance that kept me alive. Since then I have edged so close to the abyss so many times. Times when I have wanted it over, when I have wanted not be be here, to simply give up and let nature take its course. You see I don't see myself as natural, I exist in this world because of outside intervention, and from learning how to look after myself, there is nothing natural there.
I feel extended empathy where once there was none, I feel more and think less, but is that a good thing? I want to be normal, but I know that there is never a chance of that happening. I wonder if there is a better way without the drugs. But I also know what happens to me when I stop taking them. The pain and emptiness becomes overwhelming as do the voices and the hallucinations, I feel the need to withdraw further and in doing so, I cut myself off from the world, which forever pushes me closer to the abyss.
I suppose at this point I should let you know what keeps me going, what keeps me from going over the edge for good. Its simple really, I tell myself that tomorrow the sun will rise, and should I want to I can go see it. Its a certainty that makes me take stock. It will rise tomorrow whether or not I take my last breath tonight, and that in a way gives me enough certainty to make it through the worst of it. The thought that tomorrow is coming and it will be different from today is all it takes sometimes to keep me from taking the final step. To end the pain this illness brings and the uncertainty that it lords over my future I must always believe in tomorrow, because sometimes today is simply to hard to take.
For those of you reading this who have suffered the same or are just beginning your road with mental illness please understand this. No one said it would be easy, no one has said its impossible. No one has said this is the end of life as you know it. In the end its all about you. About how you operate, how you want to interact with the world and your treatments. You can sit back and be passive and blame everyone in the world for the way you are. Or you can take stock, read as much as you can and become proactive in your treatment and also into your insight of your own illness. If you do this when the voices come when the bad day comes, you can say I did my best, you cant break me, you cant destroy me, because I am me, and tomorrow I am going to go watch that sunrise, secure in the knowledge I have the best treatment and the best insight because I made it that way.
In the end my illness is about me. Not my partner nor my friends its about me and how I deal with it. Not every one will agree with me when I say that. But you know I could loose my partner loose my friends tomorrow and you know what the Illness will still be here it will still be with me, its the only other certainty in my life.
So take care of yourself, talk when you have to be silent when you need to. But remember the only person saving your life from the illness is you. We all carry the pain and the blackness, choose like me not to indulge it to much. Make it part of you but not the reason for your existance. Some times I get it right some times I get it wrong, we all do and all will, in a way its what makes us special and different from everyone else. We have been to a place where they dare not tread, and have returned. That in itself is amazing.
Horse
Ohh and I read this a little earlier thought it might be food for thought, words sometimes are hard to find on your own, but when others speak them for you they become forever powerful
The Darkness Within Me
The darkness within me
It never goes away
It fills my life
Each night and day
It turns good into bad
It makes joy into pain
Tears flow down my face
Like never ending rain
Sunlight never falls
Clean winds never blow
I'm trapped in the land
Of hell from below
The darkness within me
It defines all my life
It turns all pleasure
Into nothing but strife
No shadows are here
For that you need light
None of that shines here
Look hard as you might
It's blacker then hell
Not the velvety black
The blackness of death
It is darker then black
The darkness within me
All my world it destroys
It sucks all the life
Out of all of my joys
It's nothing but pain
Joyless and dark
There never is light
Not one little spark
It fills all my thoughts
And devours my soul
Gnaws away at my ego
Like a huge evil troll
The darkness within me
Consumes me you see
It's replaced all that's here
It defines all that's me
It never goes away
It fills my life
Each night and day
It turns good into bad
It makes joy into pain
Tears flow down my face
Like never ending rain
Sunlight never falls
Clean winds never blow
I'm trapped in the land
Of hell from below
The darkness within me
It defines all my life
It turns all pleasure
Into nothing but strife
No shadows are here
For that you need light
None of that shines here
Look hard as you might
It's blacker then hell
Not the velvety black
The blackness of death
It is darker then black
The darkness within me
All my world it destroys
It sucks all the life
Out of all of my joys
It's nothing but pain
Joyless and dark
There never is light
Not one little spark
It fills all my thoughts
And devours my soul
Gnaws away at my ego
Like a huge evil troll
The darkness within me
Consumes me you see
It's replaced all that's here
It defines all that's me
Noah Body
Thought I should add here that it has taken nearly a month to write the above. It was hard to put into simple terms what I know is complex and incredibly personal. To all that read and take something from this I thank you for the time you took to read it.
ReplyDeleteHorse