The Old Tin Shed

Today's title was a comment made about how we live our lives on an online forum.  The thread was about what keep people going when they are at the bottom, not the meds not the treatment, but the little things that keep you safe. I hadn't commented till yesterday even though the thread has been active since Feb.  But it reminded me of the little things that keep me going.  My life for the past month has not been easy, I have been studying and getting ready for full time work.  On Tuesday I head south to Brisbane for the 3rd time this year, and to be honest I am anxious about any trip. I can feel myself cycling and believe it or not I am on my way down.  I have been sad a lot in the last couple months, even the me time I have been taking is not enough.  I have lots to be thankful for, I have a great partner, and an ability to help support myself.   But I feel as though I am coming up short.  No matter what I do it will never give me back what ...

I wont go into details but I am taking a huge risk with my relationship with my partner tonight.  Its not something that I have taken lightly has taken me weeks of thinking things through to do this. I will be asleep as it unwinds tonight , I hope it goes well if not, it may be time for me to walk away, as I am finding that I cannot cope if what is happening continues. Don't get me wrong I know my partner looks after me, protects me from harm when I am unwell, but there has to be more than that. Wish me luck and I know its cryptic . Horse

Hey all this is rather long and talks about what has been going on with me on a mental health note most the week Earlier this week I fell into one of the biggest mental holes I have been in in years. I was travelling along nicely, dealing with the stress of the car off the road, and other relationship and family issues that were going on in my life.  Then suddenly late on Tuesday afternoon I diagnosed the problem with the car. It turned out to be a faulty alternator (more on this later).  I felt great, I had worked hard an consistently to reach that point, I had effectively used my resources at hand, and in the process probably saved myself thousands of dollars getting the car repaired at the dealers. There was a huge release of pressure and underlying stress.  As per usual, it made me feel pretty good about myself.  That I had proved that I could deal with high levels of stress and that I had gotten a lot better with my illness. Well...

Hi all been a few days, just thought I would give you an update on my med status and how I feel in general right now. Firstly let me say that Valdoxan has been a major success for me so far.  The initial agitation and side effects have now passed and I have found that mentally im stronger and able to deal with stress better on this medication. Importantly I feel I have more confidence when things go wrong.  For example my car has an intermittent fault at the moment and its taking a while to locate and fix.  Normally the anxiety associated with this would have me heading for a Xanax.  Instead im cool calm and collected about the whole thing.  Yes I am anxious but its more than manageable. As you will have noted have had a tough couple weeks relationship wise, but we seem to be through it and things have definitely changed for the better between us.  I know a few of my posts during this period h...

Before you read much further this post is from a personal perspective of dealing with mental illness in a relationship. So where to begin.  I have been in my current relationship for about 4 years, my partner is a lot younger than me, and that has been challenging in its own right, this being his first major relationship, just adds to that difficulty for me. I have always been up front about my illness, and most of the side effects of that, but that didn't stop me from doing the wrong thing when the relationship and our finances were under pressure.  He couldn't work for 5 months due to surgery, and well I don't get a lot of money, just enough to survive and I did my best to support both our needs. But to get through I paid a cost, a part of my personality that needs to fantasize about my actual place in the world.  This means all sorts of bad things were said and done, and expectations were let fall.  It was in a lot of ways history repeating itsel...

Well all I return with some semblance of my sanity.  Has been a tough couple days, didn't feel like talking eating (I need to not eat more often lol ), or in general communicate in any way form or manner.  However unlike others who don't shower or shave or ... well u get what I mean, I am the opposite I shower and preen myself to the point i am OCD, I wash all my clothes even if they are clean.  God forbid I should Iron though now that's just one step to far lol. Why wont someone buy this car ? Well per usual got stood up 3 times over the weekend when it comes to the car.  Disappointed hurt and very annoyed that people don't even have the common courtesy to call you and say they are not coming.  I suppose one good thing out of it all is that I got the car spotlessly clean, and now I can put the car service off till next week.  I am so emotionally invested in getting rid of this car, I think it was...

Just tried to call my mother and check on her.  She picked up the phone and immediately burst into tears.  She wouldn't listen to me just kept saying over and over again. "I shouldn't be here any more".  About 10 times then hung up.  I called back and she yelled at me to go away and I can only assume dropped the phone on the floor by the noise.  The phone is now off the hook so no calls to that. I tried the mobile she hung up.  Now I am worried I know she has enough medications to end it all.  So I called everyone I have numbers for to check on her.  Having been that depressed and that unwell I know she is in trouble.  Just wish she would listen to me and get help like I wanted her to in the past. Now only time will tell.  She will be here tomorrow or she wont I cant do any more.

The last couple of weeks have been really difficult on this end.  My partner works as a nurse at a nursing home, and has been qualified for over 2 years.  I normally don't talk about my relationships, but this is getting hard. There is nothing wrong between us, but there is some major conflict around his work.  Twice in the past 2 weeks I have had a phone call with him crying and upset on the other end.  His work has had a habit of taking advantage of his good nature and his deep care for the residence.  This has meant that he does a lot of extra shifts over each pay period.  Up till now this has not been an issue, as the pay has been welcome. However now they are taking away regular shifts for the extras he does often at a 1/2 hour notice, sometimes he has to to double shift which sees him at work for 16 hours straight. On top of this they have been incorrectly paying him for over 2 years.  Since he was qualified his pay rate was meant t...

Well its happening again. My partner and I have decide we are sick of being treated like we have leprosy by our land lords and sick of the unfulfilled promises.  We pay a fair amount of money for this house and we have been looking around and can get better for the same money. So come 12th Jan we will be off to somewhere new.  I am sick of moving to be honest have moved nearly every year since I have been in town.  I hate the stress the work and the weeks it takes to get life back to normal.  We have a place in mind to move to, a friend of my partners is moving overseas to be with her husband for a couple of years so they want to rent their place out.  We stuck our hands up and hope to sign contracts soon. I will be sad to leave this area its nice a quiet a place where the neighbors talk to you.  Not sure what it will be like where we are going.  One thing is for sure this will be our last move into a rental, next move I hope to be in our own place...