The Old Tin Shed

Hi all yes dont all die of shock, I have a second post in a row, yeah it has been a while and im not sure how long I will keep at it other to say that I am having fun. Well today is first day of a new med change.  Serequel a Drug that has served me well for a decade has come to the end of its usefullness for me.  I have developed type 2 Diabetes around its use.  It seems there is a corrolation to its use in high dose to this ailment.  Today is the third try to migrate from it to a drug called abilifi, a well used and well tested anti-psychotic. So last night I took my first pill and dropped the seroquel input by 300mg unfortunately it was not enough.  I was awake a wired most the night.  It did not help I have a server out of action the two stresses fed off each other.   So I have just had about an hour and 45 minutes of sleep feel lots better. So tonight I will drop 600mg of Seroquel and take the abilify I hope its enough and lets me sleep a...

The last couple of days have been hard, my lithium levels are now at .2 and falling kidney function is back to normal.  All good with one exception, I have blocked out what happened to me. I should be angry, I should want to scream from the roof tops, I was 12 hours from dying, but I don't.  I just feel numb.  Please don't get me wrong there is a tension inside, a boiling uncontrolled feeling.  It scares me, I need to bleed. I don't mean to physically cut myself, but to unsettle myself, make myself upset, to release the tension.  My psych is worried I may act out, I am strike out as a release.  Me im worried I will fly into a rage and seriously hurt someone.  Its possible with the past I carry with me.  Its almost like my mind is scared to deal with what has happened. I tried meditation but to no avail, but the tension is showing in my dreams, and ohh god they are shocking right now.  So numb it is but soon real soon I need to bleed I n...

Hi; Well last 48 hours havent been great and this morning I swsa struggling to hang on to my life.  I have had bad voices and this has led me to tale xanax.  I knew I had taken to much when my dream only had dead people in it. I became aware I wasn't breathing and what followed for me was the worst nightmare ever.  I tried in vain to get my body to roll over to make me breath.  All the times things in the dream asking me to stay not to go. There was both peace there and panic I was on the verge of death.  The fact I am sill talking at all right now is just chance. 1/2 milligram more and you would have heard about my funeral. Death nearly took me this morning and if I hadn't been aware im sure it wouild have. Im  a little shaken right now,not sure when I will talk about this in the real world but im shaken  thats for sure. Horse

This is the follow up to the two posts yesterday, which I have just re-read. Today brings a calm, that wasn't here yesterday, today the meds I took in the last 72 hours are having an effect.  Im a little too dopey for my liking but its better than where I came from yesterday.  I still feel the pain and anger that I felt yesterday.  But somehow its not as pointed or sharp as it was.  I didn't have the best sleep but I kept at it, not sure when the last time I awoke was all I know is that it was sometime just after sun up. Im kinda numb right now and that is probably a good thing.  Being numb means being calm, and calm is good, it means that somehow I have wrangled back control from the illness.  Another 24 hours and I will be back in the swing of things for sure. I didn't write yesterday to scare anyone, I didn't write it to gain any sympathy, I just wanted people to see into the illness the blackness that at times envelopes me.  I dont ...

Well another Friday what can I say.  For all those trying not to count or notice, but another year is drawing to a close quickly.  I can personally say that its been a long one in so many ways. Overall its been a productive year on a personal front, my partner and I learned to talk to each other and to make room for each other.  My mother has her life semi sorted out, and our relationship is the best it has been in years.  My best buddy in town and I are closer than ever, I am learning each day how much I appreciate him and what he has brought to my life.  My mate from Philly Eric has come through another year with his father making his life a living hell.  But our business partnership now seems to be well cemented. On a work front nearly 2 years of research and development allowed us to go live with our business, and although the uptake has been slow so has our advertising, due to limited funds.  I'm proud of myself for stickin...

Well today is a day that I have both dreaded and wished for.  Contradiction no.  I have wished for better medication, but dread what it means.  You see I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that I would do everything in my power to get better, to become some kind of "normal".  I hate that word, because no one is normal, yet it fits what I am trying to say. Part of this journey I have undertaken is a constant change of medications.  Its been a hard road many days to sick to even be awake. But my life and my ability to live have benefited greatly for it.  Yes there have been some steps back, but that is to be expected. Not every drug is going to work for me, such is the state of psychiatric drug therapy. So tonight I stand on the precipice again. I am willing taking a risk with my life, I am going to make myself unwell in the hope that a new medication will make my life better again.  Its a hard choice, at my doctors today we went ove...

Hey all this is rather long and talks about what has been going on with me on a mental health note most the week Earlier this week I fell into one of the biggest mental holes I have been in in years. I was travelling along nicely, dealing with the stress of the car off the road, and other relationship and family issues that were going on in my life.  Then suddenly late on Tuesday afternoon I diagnosed the problem with the car. It turned out to be a faulty alternator (more on this later).  I felt great, I had worked hard an consistently to reach that point, I had effectively used my resources at hand, and in the process probably saved myself thousands of dollars getting the car repaired at the dealers. There was a huge release of pressure and underlying stress.  As per usual, it made me feel pretty good about myself.  That I had proved that I could deal with high levels of stress and that I had gotten a lot better with my illness. Well...

Hi all been a few days, just thought I would give you an update on my med status and how I feel in general right now. Firstly let me say that Valdoxan has been a major success for me so far.  The initial agitation and side effects have now passed and I have found that mentally im stronger and able to deal with stress better on this medication. Importantly I feel I have more confidence when things go wrong.  For example my car has an intermittent fault at the moment and its taking a while to locate and fix.  Normally the anxiety associated with this would have me heading for a Xanax.  Instead im cool calm and collected about the whole thing.  Yes I am anxious but its more than manageable. As you will have noted have had a tough couple weeks relationship wise, but we seem to be through it and things have definitely changed for the better between us.  I know a few of my posts during this period h...

Hey all thought i would give you a heads up on the new med I talked about in the last post.  Its another step forward I hope, because I need a break right now. Its not covered by our PBS system so I am paying full price.  But as I said to my partner a 2% gain and its worth the cost.  In the end I hope it will let me remove two drugs from my list, and help my mood stabilize in the up position not the down. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agomelatine

Today is a classic example of how unstable I can be at times.  I went to bed early last night (around 11.00pm), with the intention of having a full day of work today.  So the sleep went ok, and I got a lot of research done that I wanted to do.  Was hoping to study today.  But I came to the reality a couple of hours ago, I am never going to finish the study that, no matter how much I ideally want to do it, its just not going to happen. Now I start paying off the debt I have incurred in the idea of studying.  Thing is when I do the work I get High Distinction marks all the way through.  I'm quite good at it.  But I cant be consistent enough to do it.  Not with other things distracting me for my attention.  And the days I can barely function on my own let alone try and take information in. Its this type of destruction that has seen me fail at almost everything I have attempted to do since I was diagnosed. ...

Yeah well this was my 6 week regular visit.  I get along well with my Psychiatrist, we have an understanding about me and my illness.  You see ever since I became sick, I have been willing to go through just about anything to get better. That means a lot of med changes, lots of withdrawal periods where I felt like dog poo.   He made an interesting comment today.  He said "you have been through hell, but you have never lost sight of the single goal to get as well as you can." I appreciate that because it has allowed me to do my job." In a nutshell, that's it isn't it.  That its not just giving up expecting the medications to make you well, its about an attitude and how far are you prepared to go.  The insight I have over my illness is borne of desperation, to be normal. Yuck there's that word.  I'm not normal, but I fit the norm now. We talked about my last post also.  About gain...

Just a small trip to the Drug Store (Chemist), and people wonder why I worry about the number of meds I take.  Thats not replenishing all of them by the way, there are several more.

I have stated here a couple of times now about my mental illness and how it has changed my life forever.  Before you read any further I haven't had a great day, but that doesn't make how I feel about medications change. As the header suggested I feel at times I am a slave to my medications, not only having to take them twice a day, but also remember to get scripts when I see the doctors then get those scripts filled. Remember to get new scripts when meds get low, and all the running around that is involved in it.  Every moment of every day is Dependant on the medications. Failure to take them is not an option, even reducing them down below the doses I have now bring about nasty nasty side effects that I simply cannot cope with. But its more than that.  Its this nagging feeling that I know I am addicted to at least 2 medications probably more.  It makes me feel cheap, like some 2 dollar junkie.  I worry about withdrawals. I have had serious withdrawals ...

I just finished watching Boy Interrupted.  Its a sad and at the same time uplifting exploration into the suicide of a 15 year old boy.  Now we will never ever know what was in his mind when he took the decision to end it,  But his mother said that maybe he had come to the realization that he would never defeat his illness. I have said to many people over the years, that acceptance of your illness is the hardest thing you will ever achieve in your entire life.  The realization that there is no cure. That you will have to take mind altering drugs every day. The realization that you can never ever go back to the time before the illness and that things will be forever changed.   It devastating to realize that you cant be helped.  That no one can reach you when your at the bottom of the pit. You cant tell those around you or you loose them to.  Its hard work to live with someone who suffers from mental illness.  I know I hurt those close to me...

I for one am a heavy user of prescription medications, 6 years ago I was diagnosed with a serious medical condition.  It means I take 7 different medications daily and it will be that way for the rest of my life.  On top of that have two other medications that I take on an as needed basis. Up until I became ill I hated medications hated even taking antibiotics, even then I wouldn't take the whole course (yes I know that's a bad thing to do).  The medications I take are expensive, and if it wasn't for the PBS scheme I would not be able to afford them.  One medication is over $250.00 a packet.  I go through one of those every 10 days.  Now there is a frightening cost. Anyway what i wanted to talk about was medication addiction.  I have an addiction to one of my medications that means that I must take that daily regardless of if I would need it.  Now this isn't a bad thing, and my doctor has said he would prefer this situation than me not havin...