The Old Tin Shed

You know there is a point in every relationship, friendship that lasts a long time, when he or she will commit the ultimate sin.  For some people its when a friend talks out of school how big her friends butt was on Sat night in the new dress. For me I wish it was that simple.  I shrink away from having to many people in my life.  Why?  because they are all a waste of time and emotion in the end.  They will give up and walk out after telling me 1000 times they wont. Its never that simple either, betrayal goes both ways and betraying someone leaving them in the lurch is never a nice thing to do.  Simply people around me betrayed me so I betrayed everyone to justify the hurt and the pain I was experiencing. My biggest betrayal is still people telling others about my MI without asking me first.  It makes it difficult from that point forward to trust that person till I have spoken with them,  and around and around it goes. Am I overly paranoid...

Hey all; Just a warning this will be introspective and probably a bit boring but its how I feel right now.  You see since I had the Lithium scare we have taken into account my PTSD what caused it well there are plenty of things that could have.  Up until now myself and my Psych have decided that it was not causing any major issues and therefore the treatment for the Bipolar more than covered the  PTSD. Im not sure if I mentioned it or not but I ended up back in hospital after a friend called the police after I had threatened repeatedly to end my life.  Police and EMS turned up and didn't give m e much of a choice to be honest.  I did scare the cops when they said with us or them.  I said or I could close the door chain it and slam the 200 pills OI have and by the time I get to hospital I will be dead.  He reached for his tazar, private joke I found funny but he didn't. Anyway the pysch I saw at the hospital had a long talk and read my treatment p...

Think this song covers how I feel right now.  Im tired and down so this feeling should be expected thats for sure. Please enjoy and check out their other music, in particular "hello", "lies","sober".  all great songs Hope you are all well or at least better than me Horse

Im not great today, trigger by events from yesterday, im so angry I dont know how to cope.  Im turning the hatred on myself, because it must be my fault, that it happened. After all I am supposed to be the smart on the one people fear in board rooms, where I can dismantle the most complex stories and show the true meaning behind things.  This gift this ability comes from the illness and I pay for it.  I am sick of taking meds, I think after 10 years I get the right to say that, even though they have paved a better way of life for me, there are times I think I would have been better not being treated at all. I quite simply dont want to be here because yet again when I went to get my medications from the drug store they were denied me.  It was a med I can not do without full stop.  I got it in the end at another drug store but it should never have gotten that far.  I am crippled without my meds and now mentally im crippled when I go to get them expecting ...

Hi all, sorry long time between posts but hey go shoot me. Anyway wanted to wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and a Happy and safe new year. My life mills on as it always does, I find sometimes im ok and sometimes im not.  Its not easy being me, its not easy to live my life.  Little things get to me and people go out of their way at times to make things hard.  But in the end it will hurt them worse because thats how KAMA works. I'm worried, I'm always worried it seems, I think I have a big project going on in Jan so just have to get it over the line.  It will be hard work but I think the outcomes will be fantastic.  It will also allow me some breathing space when its done.  I don't like this time of the year for a lot of reasons but primarily it sees the end of my up mood from the BP, usually in early to mid Jan I fall into the depressed sate of the illness.  I find that I am paralyzed with no ability to move forward or back during this stag...

Its been an interesting day for me, I got my car back today and did some more work on it in preparation for the drive south. But I have had a strange day mentally.  Its like forgetfulness but not.  I would go to do something like get a drink and go to the pantry rather than the Fridge.  Its strange because once I do it I think well that was stupid and do it all over again. I even went for a lay down this afternoon, had a small sleep hoping it might fix it but it hasn’t.  Even typing this im all over the place with the letters.  Frustrating to say the least. Anyway, im sure after another 12 hours it will be all sorted again.  Amazing what a good night sleep will do

As he heading suggests I wasn't going to write this.   I have been busy so busy in fact that I took today off, first time since last week of Nov I even worked Christmas day. I have neglected my needs and although I am happy to be doing something there is a real risk I will make myself unwell.  Given the complexity of the work I am not surprised that I have been the way I have, its been hard I did 12 hours straight yesterday to fix an issue.  But I fear that this is just the begining of my January spiral down. Every year around this time I crash and crash badly, firstly this time of the year is hard because I miss dad,I last saw him just 6 days from now, and I really wish at times I could have that moment again.  I yell at mum to grow up and get over him, yet I am struggling just as hard with his loss.  I want to be able to go through one christmas without feeling like someone took the best part of my heart away. So this year we are trying more lithi...

Hi all, warning this may end up long.   Then again that seems to be theme with me of late.  I was trolling through my past posts and noticed with great pride that my most popular posts were about my struggle with mental illness.   It seems that others have been reading and in the end that is exactly why I bear my soul here. http://theoldtinshed.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/to-see-into-darkness.html  Above is one of my favorite posts and, has been read a lot by others.  Some of the themes in there I wanted to elaborate on today.  You see the darkness I talk about is not a quantitative thing.  To others it would be a nice place.  But to me its a place that scares me, where the insecurities and evil intent live. Its never a nice place to go or to see.  I have stared at myself in the mirror and what I saw churning beneath the blue eyes really scares me.  If I let it run, if I gave in the fight the outcome for me would not be goo...

Sorry to all I have been a little lapsed in my posting, I seem to go through these periods, but that doesn't mean that I have forgotten about you all.  I was actually sitting down to write this about a week ago, but as life does it got in the way. Well we are in the lead up to Christmas, with it being exactly 1 month away now.  Once again my thoughts turn to buying presents for those that mean the most to me.  Its been a long year in a lot of ways, for me it has been hard.  My illness took a very big turn for the worse in the first half of the last year, and I still haven't returned to the place I was before that.  Such is the nature of the illness, so now I cope using the skills I have learned over the last nearly ten years and work for a solution that will keep me safe for another day. Sleep is still a key factor in my ability to cope with everything, and I have found that I am coping better thanks to a new more rigid time frame for sleep. ...

This is not a rant, its not something bad that will bore the crap out of you.  Its just some observations after self evaluation again. I havent been that well the last 10 days have had to take some very major steps to keep myself in check, have been to see the doctor and have taken on some extra support.  But I am dealing with it as its happening.  Everyone around me is amazed at how I am keeping myself in check. But this is more about me, and not the illness its more about the observations I have taken since the trip to Brisbane.  I see myself as two different people.  I see the person I show the world, and the person who lives in my world. The person I show the world is controlled, has insight into his world both emotionally and in a general sense. At times it shows the me underneath but only when it can stay in control of the events.  I try my best to be honest with the world, to show the real me.  It has been something I have kind of...

Hi all; This post has been a long time in coming, lots of things have changed in my life since I first wrote this blog and it has been a mish mash of different topics and things that were going on in my life.  Importantly it allowed me to share with others my journey with mental illness. To that end I feel the blog has been a success, although we haven't had many comments we have consistently had lots of readers.  For me its been fun, and at times a stress relief when things haven't been the greatest, my greatest satisfaction came from the fact I knew I was helping someone. Right now I have a ton on my plate, with school, having to shift and everything coming together at once.  I feel massively overloaded by it all, but realize that deep down this is what I wanted.  I don't want the chance to contemplate to much, I just want to do and get it done. Just over 3 weeks ago now I stopped the diet, when the stress o...

This is just a personal one.  When i first started down the road to recovery I could not listen to music, I would become over emotional and crash.  I can tell you my life was very empty without it. Then one afternoon down the strand watching people run by a car pulled up playing the song below, and I could listen without the emotional overload.  So this song though most of you will have never seen or heard it before, brought me back to the joy of music.  So please look listen and enjoy. Crowded House "Dont dream its over" Lyrics There is freedom within, there is freedom without  Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup  There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost  But you'll never see the end of the road  While you're traveling with me  Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over  Hey now, hey now, when the world comes in  They come, they come to build a wall between us  We know they won't win  Now I'm towing my car...

Well all I return with some semblance of my sanity.  Has been a tough couple days, didn't feel like talking eating (I need to not eat more often lol ), or in general communicate in any way form or manner.  However unlike others who don't shower or shave or ... well u get what I mean, I am the opposite I shower and preen myself to the point i am OCD, I wash all my clothes even if they are clean.  God forbid I should Iron though now that's just one step to far lol. Why wont someone buy this car ? Well per usual got stood up 3 times over the weekend when it comes to the car.  Disappointed hurt and very annoyed that people don't even have the common courtesy to call you and say they are not coming.  I suppose one good thing out of it all is that I got the car spotlessly clean, and now I can put the car service off till next week.  I am so emotionally invested in getting rid of this car, I think it was...

As per my last post, I am struggling for sleep right now.  There appears to be two main factors as to why this is happening. (1)  Full Moon.  Now before you go saying there is no proof the moon has an effect on anything I ask you to consider the following.  Psych departments at hospitals have very heavy traffic in and around the full moon.  Any ER room medic or doctor will tell you the same thing.  In aged care the residents require more one on one care during the full moon.  For me it makes me restless, my dreams are shadows of ghosts and things past.  They are self defeating and soul destroying. Add to that voices and delusions and you are sort of half way there. I know that without the meds I would be in full mania, with delusions, I would be a danger to myself and everyone around me.  My partner normally picks up on the behavior changes then looks up.  It kind of helps me knowing that the feelings I am having and that I am living...