How I have been
Hi reader;
I intimated a few posts ago about the health issues I am now facing as I age, and the drugs start to wear on my body. My weight doesnt help issues but considering the affects of the medications and the lack of motivation I have had I think I am doing pretty well. On top of that so does the doctor he seems to think, that considering im doing fairly well.
I am finally getting the major health issues caused by my sinus passages and nasal cavity seen to. I have continual bad infections in those areas the material from that infection runs down my throat and causes very very bad infections in my throat. In the past 12 months I have been on medication for the infection 9 times, all anti-biotic combinations of very very strong medications. They make it go away for a week or so then its a downard spiral into being unwell and endless coughing.
I was coughing so hard at one point that my stomach and rib muscles would cramp up. I often coughed until I vomited. So as you can gather by that physically I have been a mess on and off for most the past 3 years.
Australia's health system, is a mess I have had refferal to ENT specialists 4 times and I never get put on the waiting list. No one had actually looked at a CT scan since a similar incident in the 1990's. In desperation I reached out to a friend who is a doctor to help me get seen.
To his credit he had me a name and a number nearly straight away. I got a local CT scan and it was not good. Broken upper nose bone blocking flow and a pocket. No wonder I was unwell so often. Now I don't remember breaking my nose but it would not surprise me in the slightest, I took a lot of real punches to the face over the years.
So on the 1st of next month I hop in my car and drive south to Victoria to go see the surgeon for the first time. I will then have to return about 5 months later for the surgery. Its a big cost to me as I am not a man of means by any stretch, but I am now on a path to recovery and away from all the drugs.
So how has all this effected my mental health. To say I was suicidal last month would be an understatement. I vividly remember lying on the bed, looking at the ceiling fan spinning. I was so unwell physically and mentally I was exhausted. I cried for what felt like an hour, I was on the verge of a serious breakdown and I knew it. But this time I felt I was not strong enough to stop it. I looked at the pills and closed my eyes. My boy came and lay down with his head under my chin. He kept me here. He has this ability to know when I am failing and seems instinctively to know what to do.
I didn’t move from that position for several hours, I just closed my eyes and listened to him breath. The next week was pretty touch and go, but I got through it. Since then I have been up and down, had voices for a few days last week, just annoyi
ng rather than destructive. Im now worried about the process I have started, knowing that it will end with me being in pain and a long way from home. It will all work out but when you have a mind like mine its hard to not think the worst.
So today I serviced my car, I replace oil & fuel filters with the air filter on order, I dropped the oil and topped up all the fluids. I am now certain I have fixed the uneven power on light throttle issue, after many hours trolling Renault forums. The car has had the stereo upgraded it now has a 12 inch sub box in the back and the 6 inch component speakers I was waiting on. I added another autotek amp its made the biggest difference. It one hell of an experience in that cabin right now.
Per usual as seems to happen to me on a regular basis no matter the brand of car,I broke yet another window regulator. This time passenger front. I ordered a replacement from dapco in Sydney it was here overnight. On Monday it goes to a new mechanic to get fitted. Its a bit beyond me way to many tech screws to come out. Will also give us another place to take our vehicles since seeing our usual mechanic Hans is now a 40 day wait.
So by Monday night the car will be ready to go south. Me im slowly getting it together have to get a few scritps filled but otherwise I should be right on that front. My biggest issue will be the lack of warm clothes. But hey give me something to do with mum. I will stay with her for 10 days help her get organized.
I just wanted to let you know that this inability to get the primary cause of my physical fitness under control was also to do with me. You see I don't think I should be helped, I feel like all I do at times is steal oxygen. I was self sabotaging me to punish me for what I have done. I am a complexed fucker at times, even when I knew I was doing it it didnt stop me. Im far from perfect. Remember that when you think your failing at life there are others out there that feel the same. You can and will make it through. My biggest lesson to learn is to be kind to myself, something I seem unable to do no matter the circumstances.
I know that turned out rather long, and thats the shortened version. Thanks for reading
Horse
I intimated a few posts ago about the health issues I am now facing as I age, and the drugs start to wear on my body. My weight doesnt help issues but considering the affects of the medications and the lack of motivation I have had I think I am doing pretty well. On top of that so does the doctor he seems to think, that considering im doing fairly well.
I am finally getting the major health issues caused by my sinus passages and nasal cavity seen to. I have continual bad infections in those areas the material from that infection runs down my throat and causes very very bad infections in my throat. In the past 12 months I have been on medication for the infection 9 times, all anti-biotic combinations of very very strong medications. They make it go away for a week or so then its a downard spiral into being unwell and endless coughing.
I was coughing so hard at one point that my stomach and rib muscles would cramp up. I often coughed until I vomited. So as you can gather by that physically I have been a mess on and off for most the past 3 years.
Australia's health system, is a mess I have had refferal to ENT specialists 4 times and I never get put on the waiting list. No one had actually looked at a CT scan since a similar incident in the 1990's. In desperation I reached out to a friend who is a doctor to help me get seen.
To his credit he had me a name and a number nearly straight away. I got a local CT scan and it was not good. Broken upper nose bone blocking flow and a pocket. No wonder I was unwell so often. Now I don't remember breaking my nose but it would not surprise me in the slightest, I took a lot of real punches to the face over the years.
So on the 1st of next month I hop in my car and drive south to Victoria to go see the surgeon for the first time. I will then have to return about 5 months later for the surgery. Its a big cost to me as I am not a man of means by any stretch, but I am now on a path to recovery and away from all the drugs.
So how has all this effected my mental health. To say I was suicidal last month would be an understatement. I vividly remember lying on the bed, looking at the ceiling fan spinning. I was so unwell physically and mentally I was exhausted. I cried for what felt like an hour, I was on the verge of a serious breakdown and I knew it. But this time I felt I was not strong enough to stop it. I looked at the pills and closed my eyes. My boy came and lay down with his head under my chin. He kept me here. He has this ability to know when I am failing and seems instinctively to know what to do. |
| My Boy. Cute aint he :) |
ng rather than destructive. Im now worried about the process I have started, knowing that it will end with me being in pain and a long way from home. It will all work out but when you have a mind like mine its hard to not think the worst.
So today I serviced my car, I replace oil & fuel filters with the air filter on order, I dropped the oil and topped up all the fluids. I am now certain I have fixed the uneven power on light throttle issue, after many hours trolling Renault forums. The car has had the stereo upgraded it now has a 12 inch sub box in the back and the 6 inch component speakers I was waiting on. I added another autotek amp its made the biggest difference. It one hell of an experience in that cabin right now.
So by Monday night the car will be ready to go south. Me im slowly getting it together have to get a few scritps filled but otherwise I should be right on that front. My biggest issue will be the lack of warm clothes. But hey give me something to do with mum. I will stay with her for 10 days help her get organized.
I just wanted to let you know that this inability to get the primary cause of my physical fitness under control was also to do with me. You see I don't think I should be helped, I feel like all I do at times is steal oxygen. I was self sabotaging me to punish me for what I have done. I am a complexed fucker at times, even when I knew I was doing it it didnt stop me. Im far from perfect. Remember that when you think your failing at life there are others out there that feel the same. You can and will make it through. My biggest lesson to learn is to be kind to myself, something I seem unable to do no matter the circumstances.
I know that turned out rather long, and thats the shortened version. Thanks for reading
Horse
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