Its time to write. WARNING THIS IS NOT NICE STUFF

I have been home a week nearly now and to say I have been unwell mentally is an understatement.  But something happened on Tuesday night into Wednesday that has me on the verge of an extended stay in the psych ward.

The long and the short of it I nearly died.  Its why that is complicated and the after affects have been devastating to me. It all started innocent enough.   I was exhausted and as such the voices were there giving me their version of my life.  I took xanax as a normnally do and went to bed.  THats the nornmal part of this story its what happened in the next 10 hours that changed me into a highly medicated person.

I awoke some time in the morning with the voices so I went and took more xanax.  What I did not realise is during the next 45 mins I took another 4 full tablets.  (Yes thats enough to kill you) espeically since I had the night befores stll in the system.  I went to sleep and had this amazing dream about all the people that I loved who had passed on.  It was amamzing it was perfect.  A place of my heaven.

But i realized something wasn't right.  Something wasn't right with this dream.  My nan started first saying you should stay.  I asked stay where, my father replied here with us its amazing.  I started to get very uneasy.  My grandfather said its ok Stuart its fine here you will love it.  That scared me he never called me by my first name.  I then realized I wasn't breathing. I was on the verge of death.  I fought like crazy to roll over and take a full breath.

And you wonder why I feel the way I do.

I then cried and cried and cried.  I had made the wrong decision I should have gone with them.  Every day since I have felt this, I don't want to be here in this world.  I want the world of my memories of my lost family and friends, not this hell I live through.  I have been under constant care and phone calls for two days.  I want to go back there I don't want to be here any more.  I realized I was asked to make a choice I chose life when death was the obvious choice.

I beleive I knew how many tablets I had taken its not like me not to know.  I did not want to wake up, and I am still capable of doing it again.  The pain I feel right now is so horrible, I feel I failed yet again, all I had to to was agree to stay and it would have been over.  Surrounded by my loved ones no fear no anxiety just me and them.

So right now I am crying again, im so sorry I made the wrong decision, I should have died Tuesday and now I have to live through this feeling.  I hate myself I failed again.

Im on huge quantities of Xanax anti depressants and sleeping tablets trying to get me to sleep through it.  I just look at the pills now and say to myslef its my way out of this hell.  My life will be over and very few will even notice.  My mother will continue her selfish self centered life, and others in my life will forget about me quickly.  I am a waste of space and oxygen thief and I will never be anything better than am I am today.  So with that in mind I contemplate the next step towards ending this life..

I have 150 Xanax pills on the desk here counted them twice tonight.  I know no one will truly miss me, and the only people who will really care are those who I have helped through this blog.  But eventually it will be taken down to.  It wont be some great monument to my life, but rather a dismal attempt to explain why myself and others find suicide a better option than the life we live.  We have nothing left to loose and everything to gain.   I might call an ambulance at some point but then again why come for me others are more important I am just a low life piece of shit.

You the reading people have no concept of what it is to feel this pain, to accept I was so close to being all over and I blew it.  Life has been nothing but a cunt to me my whole life.  Yeah I was successful in business and had all the toys, but that time is long go nearly a decade now.  I have very little and what I do have is broken and in constant need for repair.  Repairs I cant afford.  I have nothing and they wont even spread my ashes, they will end up in a paupers garden at the cememtry.  Im a lost cause my physical health is failing as well and I am only 41.  Another 40 years of this is to much for me to even contemplate.  And for the first time in decades I dread the dawn because it rubs salt into the already open wounds of my failures as a real person and my now very limited life. never ever able to do anything that I would like to because I have no way of doing it.  I fall apart and want to die, im of no use to anyone any more not even to myself

My failure is just systemic of my life since I was 30 im a useless piece of crap stealing oxygen from great men.  I cant help anyone or save anyone. Im great for advice to others but inside im as hurt and destroyed as they are.  Im a failure I have no great strength to get me through.  Instead im taking 8mg of xanax a day in the hope it will get me through, I keep taking 10 tablets aside for tonight, I wonder if I have the balls to make the right choice this time.  When I am gone everyone can move on and my memory will be a sad past of someone broken by their own life and now well beyond any mortal help.

If any of you think you have something to say to me email me at cz0emc5+7l987g@sharklasers.com 

Just click the above link its a temporary email, kind suits as I wont be around to cancell it the way I am right now.

Thanks for reading I don't deserve anny of your efforts, its like me in the end i am what I am and that is a waste of space, at least when I am gone people can return to normal
May he come for me because I am waiting for him