Lost in the meds.
Hey all;
Just a warning this will be introspective and probably a bit boring but its how I feel right now. You see since I had the Lithium scare we have taken into account my PTSD what caused it well there are plenty of things that could have. Up until now myself and my Psych have decided that it was not causing any major issues and therefore the treatment for the Bipolar more than covered the PTSD.
Im not sure if I mentioned it or not but I ended up back in hospital after a friend called the police after I had threatened repeatedly to end my life. Police and EMS turned up and didn't give m e much of a choice to be honest. I did scare the cops when they said with us or them. I said or I could close the door chain it and slam the 200 pills OI have and by the time I get to hospital I will be dead. He reached for his tazar, private joke I found funny but he didn't.
Anyway the pysch I saw at the hospital had a long talk and read my treatment plans she suggested that the stay in hospital may have triggered a PTSD event and as such I should now b e treated for it.
Thats all well and good but its more meds, and to be truthful I take enough meds every night. Right now I feel lost, down and alone. My partner understands but I fear I will even push him away if there is no overall change soon . 8 weeks and counting and I am starting to wonder if I need to start stockpiling my meds again, sometimes the end or ending it is a better goal than dealing with all the changes and interactions of the meds. Im spiraling out of control to a point I no longer know which way is up. Im terribly homesick, I miss my beach and its freezing cold water, I miss the pounding of the surf and I miss a place I can no longer go back to its changed that much.
I want to go to Seaspray and go put my feet in the water of the 90 mile beach. Why because to me it reminds me of a time in my life although I was fucked up, I had something to look forward to, I just had no idea as to what that would be
Being mentally ill is hard. Some days even I the strong one breaks, I pray to my gods every night that tomorrow I can get a call and someone can tell me its all been a dream like a bad Star Trek episode. Mostly I long for the ordinary, thats not something I can ever have no matter what my dreams are. Tomorrow is just another Sunday as my life passes me by.
Take care all and pleas if your worried about someone ask them if they are ok, likelihood is they are not. You might just save them from an early end. Me I alone and lost in paradise.
Just a warning this will be introspective and probably a bit boring but its how I feel right now. You see since I had the Lithium scare we have taken into account my PTSD what caused it well there are plenty of things that could have. Up until now myself and my Psych have decided that it was not causing any major issues and therefore the treatment for the Bipolar more than covered the PTSD.
Im not sure if I mentioned it or not but I ended up back in hospital after a friend called the police after I had threatened repeatedly to end my life. Police and EMS turned up and didn't give m e much of a choice to be honest. I did scare the cops when they said with us or them. I said or I could close the door chain it and slam the 200 pills OI have and by the time I get to hospital I will be dead. He reached for his tazar, private joke I found funny but he didn't.
Anyway the pysch I saw at the hospital had a long talk and read my treatment plans she suggested that the stay in hospital may have triggered a PTSD event and as such I should now b e treated for it.
Thats all well and good but its more meds, and to be truthful I take enough meds every night. Right now I feel lost, down and alone. My partner understands but I fear I will even push him away if there is no overall change soon . 8 weeks and counting and I am starting to wonder if I need to start stockpiling my meds again, sometimes the end or ending it is a better goal than dealing with all the changes and interactions of the meds. Im spiraling out of control to a point I no longer know which way is up. Im terribly homesick, I miss my beach and its freezing cold water, I miss the pounding of the surf and I miss a place I can no longer go back to its changed that much.
I want to go to Seaspray and go put my feet in the water of the 90 mile beach. Why because to me it reminds me of a time in my life although I was fucked up, I had something to look forward to, I just had no idea as to what that would be
Being mentally ill is hard. Some days even I the strong one breaks, I pray to my gods every night that tomorrow I can get a call and someone can tell me its all been a dream like a bad Star Trek episode. Mostly I long for the ordinary, thats not something I can ever have no matter what my dreams are. Tomorrow is just another Sunday as my life passes me by.
Take care all and pleas if your worried about someone ask them if they are ok, likelihood is they are not. You might just save them from an early end. Me I alone and lost in paradise.
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