My own world

This is not a rant, its not something bad that will bore the crap out of you.  Its just some observations after self evaluation again.

I havent been that well the last 10 days have had to take some very major steps to keep myself in check, have been to see the doctor and have taken on some extra support.  But I am dealing with it as its happening.  Everyone around me is amazed at how I am keeping myself in check.

But this is more about me, and not the illness its more about the observations I have taken since the trip to Brisbane.  I see myself as two different people.  I see the person I show the world, and the person who lives in my world.

The person I show the world is controlled, has insight into his world both emotionally and in a general sense. At times it shows the me underneath but only when it can stay in control of the events.  I try my best to be honest with the world, to show the real me.  It has been something I have kind of worn like a war medal.  In that I had to loose everything to be able to show that level of honesty about myself.  That I didn't want to ever live a lie again.

The me you don't see is a different person, he is scared, afraid of his life, and fragile to changes he cant control. I see me and try in my mind to put the best spin on things.  In a real attempt to deceive, myself about my weaknesses.  Today is a classic example.  I have been suffering from some serious anxiety since I woke. I have convinced myself that if my partner ever leaves me I would be ok on my own.  That I never have really needed anyone in my life, because they have never done anything but to make me hurt.  Now there is no reason for these feelings, my relationship is strong, stronger than it has ever been, im deeply in love.

The problem is that I have spent a whole day feeling this way, yet to everyone else you see the first me, you don't see the hurt and turmoil that is going on behind this wall of the two me's. Even sharing these feelings with my partner is seen as risky by the inner me.  Why ? Well because sharing like that makes people leave, and then I would have to be right then... See the self fulfilling prophecy and and dangerous destruction that is wrought because of my illness.  Its a bad bad thing, it destroys lives, mine included.

After all im approaching 40 next month, and I look back at the friends I have had along the way and how I fucked that all up, how I destroyed everything just to feel some kind of security, but achieved the complete opposite.

I want to be honest with you all, I want others to read this and gain some kind of insight into what the hell this illness does to you.  To understand that even me, yes me who looks for all intent and purpose to be in control is really not at all.  I am still at the whim of the chemical balances in my brain, and worse input from an unbalanced mind.


I dont want your sympathy and I dont want you to run away from me.  I just want you to understand that often what I show you on this blog, what i share with you can be a version of what I am prepared to share.  I am no hero with this illness I suffer like everyone else does.

I am more stable now than ever but I do have a place in my mind where I create my own little world, with a me that tries to keep me safe, even when its overwhelmed by everything that is going on.

If one person who reads this, if it helps you, if this blog helps you, can you let me know.  Its not my vanity asking but the me who hopes that you have been able to take something away from all of this, if it has helped you even in a small way it would mean a lot to me if you could let me know.

The Horse

Comments

  1. Hey Horse, your blog has helped me understand your condition better. Having 2 people @ work who are Bipolar and who I have in the past managed its been a good insight and helped me to understand and be more understanding of the people I come into contact with in real life. So thank you.

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  2. Thanks Sharon that means the world to me. Also to the others who have contacted me in other private ways, I thank you also.

    Its not fun being me at times, and as I get more and more stable I find I am becoming more and more loaded up, it scares me that I may break and what all that means. So far so good, we will wait and see what happens from here but I have a gut feeling things will be ok.

    Ohh and happy full moon to everyone.:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Sharon that means the world to me. Also to the others who have contacted me in other private ways, I thank you also.

    Its not fun being me at times, and as I get more and more stable I find I am becoming more and more loaded up, it scares me that I may break and what all that means. So far so good, we will wait and see what happens from here but I have a gut feeling things will be ok.

    Ohh and happy full moon to everyone.:)

    ReplyDelete

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