Betrayal
You know there is a point in every relationship, friendship that lasts a long time, when he or she will commit the ultimate sin. For some people its when a friend talks out of school how big her friends butt was on Sat night in the new dress.
For me I wish it was that simple. I shrink away from having to many people in my life. Why? because they are all a waste of time and emotion in the end. They will give up and walk out after telling me 1000 times they wont.
Its never that simple either, betrayal goes both ways and betraying someone leaving them in the lurch is never a nice thing to do. Simply people around me betrayed me so I betrayed everyone to justify the hurt and the pain I was experiencing.
My biggest betrayal is still people telling others about my MI without asking me first. It makes it difficult from that point forward to trust that person till I have spoken with them, and around and around it goes.
Am I overly paranoid. Hell yeah, does this stuff screw your insides up so you cant even contemplating eating Hell Yeah. There are solutions. (1) Minimize risk by minimizing the number of new people i general I have in my life (2) Learn like being gay to wear the marks for my illness with pride and honor, not hide them away.
Finally I have to learn to like myself. Now most people think I am a nice enough guy, and I have learned that redemption is sometimes a road strewn with violence and acts of evil. Where my road ends I do not know and I try not to damage others who come along my path. But in doing so I leave myself alone. All the lights are on but im not here type of alone.
One final thought. Imagine you found out this massive secret a conspiracy that would be used to control those instincts we take for vantage, would you simply let it happen or die screaming freedom and liberty all the way to your executing sell
For me I wish it was that simple. I shrink away from having to many people in my life. Why? because they are all a waste of time and emotion in the end. They will give up and walk out after telling me 1000 times they wont.
Its never that simple either, betrayal goes both ways and betraying someone leaving them in the lurch is never a nice thing to do. Simply people around me betrayed me so I betrayed everyone to justify the hurt and the pain I was experiencing.
My biggest betrayal is still people telling others about my MI without asking me first. It makes it difficult from that point forward to trust that person till I have spoken with them, and around and around it goes.
Am I overly paranoid. Hell yeah, does this stuff screw your insides up so you cant even contemplating eating Hell Yeah. There are solutions. (1) Minimize risk by minimizing the number of new people i general I have in my life (2) Learn like being gay to wear the marks for my illness with pride and honor, not hide them away.
Finally I have to learn to like myself. Now most people think I am a nice enough guy, and I have learned that redemption is sometimes a road strewn with violence and acts of evil. Where my road ends I do not know and I try not to damage others who come along my path. But in doing so I leave myself alone. All the lights are on but im not here type of alone.
One final thought. Imagine you found out this massive secret a conspiracy that would be used to control those instincts we take for vantage, would you simply let it happen or die screaming freedom and liberty all the way to your executing sell
ohh and the spelling of cell as sell was the point
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