It seems there are still a few issues to hard to tackel
I think I have mentioned a couple of times in the past, that I am adopted. I was adopted as a baby, and my mum and dad as I know them were my adopted parents. My sister is also adopted, from a different mother.
4 Corners on the Australian ABC had a program recently on forced adoptions. I wanted to watch it, but found I couldnt. What little i do know of my birth mother is the fact I was taken without her consent.
Maybe we are not supposed to see some things, maybe its still a painful thing for me, but I look at how my sister and I turned out, and we have both had the a-typical adopted child life. We both suffer from low self-esteem, and use food to help us cope. We both try to avoid conflict rather than stand up for ourselves. And now even she is showing signs of mental illness.
Im not proud of my past and have stuck my hands up many times to admit fault and ultimately responsibility. But when I have doctors say to me "wow you lasted a long time before you came undone". I start to wonder how much of this is because I am adopted, the issues of being abandoned at birth never leaves, and my illness made me set people up so I could prove that everyone does eventually leave.
I know better today, some people I treated so horribly have made peace with me, forgiven often for things there should be no forgiveness for. By them doing that they have made people leaving my life and me a lot easier to deal with. Seems like Karma to me. I had to do that horrible stuff, to get help with a problem that no one wanted to admit to.
Anyway, now days we don't have forced adoptions, I think the world is a better place because of it. After all nothing should ever get between a mother and child
4 Corners on the Australian ABC had a program recently on forced adoptions. I wanted to watch it, but found I couldnt. What little i do know of my birth mother is the fact I was taken without her consent.
Maybe we are not supposed to see some things, maybe its still a painful thing for me, but I look at how my sister and I turned out, and we have both had the a-typical adopted child life. We both suffer from low self-esteem, and use food to help us cope. We both try to avoid conflict rather than stand up for ourselves. And now even she is showing signs of mental illness.
Im not proud of my past and have stuck my hands up many times to admit fault and ultimately responsibility. But when I have doctors say to me "wow you lasted a long time before you came undone". I start to wonder how much of this is because I am adopted, the issues of being abandoned at birth never leaves, and my illness made me set people up so I could prove that everyone does eventually leave.
I know better today, some people I treated so horribly have made peace with me, forgiven often for things there should be no forgiveness for. By them doing that they have made people leaving my life and me a lot easier to deal with. Seems like Karma to me. I had to do that horrible stuff, to get help with a problem that no one wanted to admit to.
Anyway, now days we don't have forced adoptions, I think the world is a better place because of it. After all nothing should ever get between a mother and child
It must be strange to be in a place where you are you because of the life you've had and yet have this genuine option for what could have been.
ReplyDeleteIt's a mystery of course...how things may have been, and everybody has could have been moments...but, this is different because it's so concrete.
Man.
In those deep dark places my mind takes me some days, I want to know the truth about why I was given up. If it was a forced adoption or by choice. Its on those days that everything other than what I have lived looks good.
ReplyDeleteBut reality is it probably wouldn't have been good. My mother most likely suffered from mental illness also. Top that off with social attitudes and being a single mother, there is no way she could have provided financially for me like my adopted parents did.
But there are two parts to every story. I love my adopted parents they did the best for me and my sister, it was no bed of roses, my mother was addicted to morphine and abused us kids physically for years. But there was always someone in the family there for us. My grandparents intervened when they worked out what was going on. Mum got off the morphine and was a model parent from then on.
I suppose my point is that everyone has their own issues, some are worth confronting no matter the pain and others, well they are best left alone. No point picking the scab of a wound, when its healing on its own.
Thanks for the comment much appreciated