My Day

Im the bald fat guy

I have been better this year than last. Still hurts I miss him lots.  Still find I pick up the phone to call him from time to time.  That usually ruins a good day. Mum spent the day at San Remo, a place we all used to spend our holidays as a family and a place in later years we would go for great fish and chips.

Mum is further away from his ashes than I am, we spread them over the Great Barrier Reef just off mission beach about an hours drive from here.  His last wish was to spend eternity in paradise.  In a real way he is, its an amazing place.  There is so much conflict in the family about his decision, and as always I must play the middle ground.

Mum & Dad together enjoying Fish and Chips

I find it hard I dont have a single point to go talk to him, but I also understand his desire to have no marker for his passing, he was like his father he wanted no fuss.  In fact we had to convince him to have a funeral.  Somewhere his friends could say goodbye.

Me I cant do funerals, the last time I saw my father alive he was holding mum and waving good bye to me in the driveway.  I knew I would never see him again, but I was at peace with that.  We had become good friends again, knowing what lay ahead.  In the days before he had asked me about faith, and belief of what I thought lay beyond this world.  It was our last car trip together 2 hours each way.

I had sitting beside me a man who even in his last hours was struggling with the question had he been a good man, a good dad, a good husband and a good friend.  He apologized for failing me.  That I still cannot take today.  None of it was ever his fault, but just the way it was.  I hope in those last hours he realized that none of that mattered.  He was an amazing person, a fantastic dad, and a rock of stability.

All through his illness we fought as a family unit.  The times I would sit with him and convince him to have painful surgery so he could spend more time with us. Hoping that this time would be the last.  In the end they couldn't cut any more away, and we all knew unspoken that time was now precious.

I then fell apart and had to move away from everyone to give me the space I needed to get better, it was hard knowing in the back of my head that my father was missing me.  But I just couldnt deal with it any more. 4 times since I was 16 years old we were told it was the last time that he would not beat it.  Now that we knew for sure he could not do it, I could not engage with him.  Our relations were strained, i did a lot of damage in the process of my own implosion and I hurt him and mum badly.

Come to the last half of 09 and mum called me and told me I should make the effort to come down.  I told her I couldn't do it if he was going to mentally lock me out and not want to talk to me about things, she assured me it would be ok, so I hired a car and drove the 3 days to see them.

Dad with his youngest Grandson Harry opening my present

I was shocked at how much he had changed, it was obvious the cancer was taking its toll on him.  He was upbeat though and our whole family got together for the first time in 6 years.  I got to meet my nephews for the first time it was a real treat.  Dad and I we did what the males in this family have always done.  We went for a drive and sorted out our differences.  When we got out of the car he walked around and hugged me.  The first time he had in a long time.  I came home with the promise I would be back for Christmas.

We talked every day on the phone, it was like it was before I got sick, I miss those calls now, there is no one on the end of the line to take them now.  By Christmas things were not good with him, he was in lots of pain, it was good Christmas we were all there again as a family, for what was now obviously the last time.  My nephews adored him, it was so nice to see his face light up, when they wanted him.  Unfortunately his mobility was now also an issue.  In early January we went to see his specialists at the Peter Mac Callum Institute in Melbourne.

Dad asked his doctor, how long do I have 4 or 6 months?   The doctor said "maybe 3 weeks".  I said thats what I thought.  Mum burst into tears and dad looked dumbfounded. It was not one of the nicest moments I have ever had, but the doctor confirmed exactly what I suspected anyway.

The last couple of days were hard, he was failing and on constant medications, we talked a lot over those days, I think both of us understanding that the end game was here.  I packed the car and had to go, we stood facing each other in the driveway, he hugged me and neither of us wanted to let go.  I looked him in the eyes told him I loved him, and that I would see him again.

I left and watched him and mum in the driveway.  2 weeks later he was in ICU bleeding from the liver, it was all down hill from there.  I last spoke to him the day before he passed away.  He told me he loved me and I would always be his little boy.  He was lucid and during those last days that wasn't always the case.

Heavens Gates, the glory I want to see on day

He was getting up every morning and yelling at the nurses to take the leads out of him so he could go help his dad milk the cows.  He had started to re live his memories , the level of pain killers was so high, and he was still asking god what he had done wrong.  That he was a good boy so why did he have so much pain. These things hurt me more than his passing, the fact that until the last day they could not stop the body wide searing pains.  That just makes me so angry not at the doctors or medicine but at the fact that this man did no one wrong, and he was being tortured by pain.  Yet there are true scum true low life people who are nothing but oxygen thieves and they get to live.

Anyway he is at peace now, in paradise as he wished, I go up to mission beach a couple times a year and sit on the beach and talk to him, tell him what I have been doing.  I know this gets easier with time but there are still things about his passing that tear my heart asunder, and pull me apart from the inside.

I miss him terribly especially on this day.  Dear reader if you could find it in your heart could you say a prayer for David Livingstone on this day, because his family really miss him.


This was probably the hardest post I have ever written.  I got really upset writing it but now that its done there is a sense of relief, lots of what is posted I have not spoken about with anyone else before.

Of course now I have done that, here is a song I know he liked and I am sure he would like to see posted today.  Some Classic Pink Floyd.

Pink Floyd
Wish You Were Here