Having a hard time

I normally avoid writing when I don't feel well.  But I thought this might be helpful for others who suffer from the black dog.  Firstly let me say I am not going to act on what I am about to write, and I will work my way through this.  But it doesn't stop the way things are right now.

It all started yesterday, started to get stressed about things and didn't talk to anyone.  This as it inevitably does lead me to anxiety.  After that's gone then I start feeling like I don't want to be here any more.  I look at things I have to do and fall apart, just keep thinking that the world would be a better place without me.  I took the meds and slept and woke up worse.  I keep staring at the floor wondering when this will stop, or if I should stop it.

I find myself crying for no reason, and that overwhelming feeling of failure.  That no matter what I do I cannot get anything right.  That I bring those around me down, and that they all deserve better than me. Part of me knows that's not right, but right now that is a distant voice.

I will log onto mixed nuts soon and see if someone is willing to talk to me, or if worse comes to worse I will call lifeline.  In the end I wont be hurt, but its nothing compared the the hurt hate and pain I feel right now.