I think I might be good at this

Hi all sorry about the lateness of this blog post and my slackness in posting but to be honest I needed a break.  Not just from the blog but from my life in general.  It was all becoming to hard again and I was worried I would fall into the abyss and never come out.

Sometimes the easiest thing to do is not to fight, to just throw your hands in the air and say I have had enough.  I have said many times on this blog I am a fighter, and I am but even my strength my ability has its limits.  I watched a video recently (boy interrupted) about a young boy, who was not right from a very young age, he spent every day fighting to be "normal". He took his own life and no one will ever know the exact reasons.  His mother summized that he had come to the conclusion that it was always going to be like this and that he couldn't cope with that.
Evan what an amazing child who left us too soon.

In a way its how I can feel at times.  Its hard to get up every day and know that it could all fall apart.  In a way you learn not to rely on yourself for anything.  That is a hard thing to come to terms with.  In earlier posts I alluded to the fact I am studying again.  Well at the moment I am away from home, sitting in a backpackers hotel in my room on the laptop.  You see im in Brisbane doing our contact 2 days as part of our first semester.
An amazing city and a great place. Brisbane by the river.

I was in two minds 3 weeks ago if I was even going to continue.  I was so far behind thanks to the no meds and the move, but I got stuck into the study and I am now basically up to date.  Its been an amazing process and a heavy load to get done so quickly.

So today was the salt test so to speak.  Today for the first time I did face to face with my class mates, we did complex roll playing and man I shocked myself.  I was so worried I wouldn't be any good that I could not remember what I had learnt and then apply it in real time.  But you know what ?  I did learn, it had gone in and I did understand.  But more importantly I learnt so much.  I learnt about the importance of listening and more importantly different ways to apply what I had learnt in a real way.  I enjoyed it far more than I thought I would, and before I left class today I had a much better understanding of me the person and me the counselor.

So what did I learn that was so important about me ?  I learnt that well medicated and well prepared I am actually quite good at this, and more importantly I unlearned the fact I was unreliable.  Tomorrow is another day and they say its longer than today because we do more roll playing.  But you know what after today I am looking forward to the learning process, of making mistakes and learning in a real way from them.
Who doesn't love Yoda ?

I had openly questioned my ability to not only do the course but to be able to afford to come down here.  I drove two days to get her and it will be two days home.  No I am not flushed with cash, but have found an amazing place to say not 3 blocks from the school in the center of the city for under $60 a night.  I would never have found this place had it not been the tightness of cash.

The two days on the road proved to be the circuit breaker for me, I was able to get inside my own head and make sense of what has happened to me and my partner since the first week of January.  I was able to self analyse in a way that was helpful to me,  Listened to way to much heavy metal music in particular Iron Maiden and Metallica.  But it made the difference.  When I arrived in Brisbane last night I was ready to go to put myself out there.  More importantly I was prepared to fail, and if I did that would be ok too.



What not to do if a Bird Shits on you Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner



Metallica "One" The first metal song I ever heard. 



Metallica "The unforgiven" Probably my favorite song of theirs.

Im hoping for my sake this is the first major step forward it will mean to much to the pair of us should i be good at this and be able to work effectively in the field.  But more importantly it will show me that I am capable of a normal life again, something that many years ago I thought I would never be able to contemplate.

Finally as you all know I am not an overly religious man, but when I got here last night I wandered down into the city to see where the school was.  Directly over the road is a Cathedral. Maybe there is a god, and maybe he is looking over me after all.  I don't believe in chance.
The Cathedral from the park next to the School how amazing is that

Again thanks guys for everything you have done, its nice to know that through this journey there is someone who is prepared to read my thoughts and its very humbling when so many people decide to read what I have to say.

Forever forward..

The Horse

Comments

  1. Forever forward indeed Horse!!!! loved reading your update, and glad you are enjoying the course - cheering you on all the way over here.

    Keep on keeping on

    Oh and Metallica - LOVE them, saw them way back in 1992.

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  2. Yeah has been a very growth orientated trip thats for sure, will post again tonight about the whole experience.

    Metallica, yeah well what can I say I saw them live twice and had tickets the the S&M concert, but was unable to go... kicking myself I can tell u. Mate was so grateful..

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