Its like Im not here

This post is kind of a follow on from the one before.  Its almost like this isn't me talking its some weird fucked up version of me.  Fear I have none of nothing.  I'm normally an arachnophobia but just now watched a spider crawl up my arm.  Did I care?  Nope.

Do I care if the sun comes up tomorrow?  Nope.  I would be relieved right now if these were my last breaths.  This is one of those days were I have lost the fight.  I am simply a shell of the real me.  I exist in this time and space, only because I have to.  I have no wants, no needs nothing, I just breath alone in my own lonely place.  I have spoken about the darkness to see into another persons soul, I am trying to give you a glimpse of what I am like when I am in the darkness.

Nothing I say nothing I type can make you see, and make you feel how I do.  Do you know what it is to wake up and not even know what day it is, to wake up and not know if you are awake asleep or dreaming.  I woke many times last night into this morning, I even accused my partner of going out for the night.  Do you have any concept of what it is like to be so damn confused. Yet I live here, this is my reality, my fucked up version of life.

Its hard so damn hard and I did everything right and it still all went wrong, the tablets didn't work, the benzene's didn't work, the sleeping pills didn't work.  Now what ?  I tell you now what, now I turn inwards, because its one of the few safe places left for me.  I breath and hope that somehow I don't do anything rash, as I have no guarantees in this state that I wont. With no fear rash action is inevitable, will it happen this time, I have no idea.  I just know right now there is nothing left to fight for.  For now at least it won.  Im down alone and on empty.  Confused beyond all belief I still don't know what day it is, or even how long I have been awake.

All my usual tools to escape this have failed, I tried to stay busy to stay focused  but all I could do was to see my failures, my inability to do the things I tried to do.  So now I am in my last bastion, my last fortification from the storm.  Im here typing and listening to music that tells me it will be ok.  I wish dad was here right now, I know he would know what to say... I miss him when times are like this.

Thanks for listening I haven't tagged these posts I may even taken them down at some point... Im off to sleep I think. Well just had crossed words with my partner can my week get any fucking worse.. probably not..

Horsey


Comments

  1. No real words of advice, or wisdom, just letting you know that I'm here, even though its only over the interwebs xox

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