When your unforgiven

So what do you do when someone refuses to forgive you for something you did?  Well im sure there are volumes of psych study that cover this, and the interactions to lead to such situations.  However I will share my experience in the hope others can get something out of it.

My father passed away over 2 years ago now, and I miss him every day.  When he was young my grandparents help raise one of my uncles (non blood), after his father left him abandoned.  My uncle Max and my father grew up together and were close for most of their adult lives.

As I have stated before during my mental collapse I hurt my parents pretty badly, and with my financial collapse as well my parents lost the way of life that my income provided.  From the outside it looked like I had intentionally made this happen.  Of course we all know now that it was my self destruction that caused the havoc.

My parents and my dads sister forgave me, they understood that it wasn't me during that period of my life but my illness.   I had my fathers blessing before he passed away we had made our peace.  However Max wants nothing to do with me.  He has called me some nasty names and accused me of things that never happened.  He has tried to poison me with the rest of the family as well.  But his primary beef with me is he says that I am not mentally unwell.

Well he should know, he forced his youngest son into a breakdown when he was 20 and at university. So of course he is an expert on mental illness just ask him.  Numerous family members have seen me taking my medications and my dads sister has seen me on a day when I am unwell.  Seems everyone accepts me bar max.

So how do I deal with it.?  Simple really, I have already accepted the fact that I am most likely going to die alone, since I will have no immediate family.  So therefore i don't need him for that.  But most importantly I am comfortable in the truth, about what happened.  I am also comfortable with me.  I dont need other peoples approval to live my life.  If they choose for whatever reason that they want nothing to do with me, well its their loss not mine.  I wont lay awake here at night pinning for a man who appears to have no compassion, and no ability to understand.

A strange thing has happened in my family since the coming out and the journey through mental health, there have been two family suicides by two of my cousins.  One I was close to.  Have had both lots of parents call and ask to talk to me about it.  I gave what I could about my own experience, but I am unable to ease their pain.  Funnily enough I feel relieved for both of the boys, that their pain has finished. 

Time will move on as it always had, and Max will one day meet his maker, and of course my father, who will be mighty unimpressed with the actions of his life long friend.