Well in may I get all that bit closer to the big 40. The fact I have made it this far has amazed a lot of people. If you had known me when I had my break down I didn't have that greater odds of living out the year.
I have gone into details over the past posts about what it is to live in my shoes. Although they are often read very few leave comments. I can understand why. What do you say to someone who has shared something so private and obviously painful. I understand why you don't comment and to be honest I am fine with it. The fact that you read it and may have taken something away because of it, is enough to keep me writing.
Among those groups of readers are fellow sufferers. Its amazing the liberation you feel when you realize that there is someone else out there who is suffering the way you are. Mental illness is very isolating like that.
So as I move another year closer to 40, I look back at the things that have happened to me. I went from a basket case who was so unwell the safest place was to keep me sedated, from a guy who tried 11 different medications which included withdrawals each time. To gain control I was so medicated I could not walk down stairs, my legs simply would not walk. I found meditation on my own outside the medical fraternity, and Buddhism in the process.
I found the stability to start study and to look forward to a new life, but most importantly I found me. Its a cliche that most people say they take time off to find themselves. I had no choice, for years before the breakdown I could not look myself in the eyes in a mirror, because what I saw looking back horrified me. Now after all I have been through I am not scared of the mirror or the man looking back at me. My deepest darkest secrets revealed but more than that. I am proud of the warrior I see in front of me. The person who fought tooth an nail every day to get that little bit better. And on the days I couldnt fight, the strength to stay safe.
I make it sound like a huge achievement and it is. There are many other people suffering from BP that find it to hard to deal with that surrender to the illness, never to live a full life again. I am not like them, I want something nicer for myself and I want to share what it is to be me with others.
So thanks again for reading. For those suffering there is an end to it all, you just have to keep searching for what works for you. Me I will continue to try new medications and new methods and tools to keep getting better. You can to.