A Slave to Medications

I have stated here a couple of times now about my mental illness and how it has changed my life forever.  Before you read any further I haven't had a great day, but that doesn't make how I feel about medications change.

As the header suggested I feel at times I am a slave to my medications, not only having to take them twice a day, but also remember to get scripts when I see the doctors then get those scripts filled. Remember to get new scripts when meds get low, and all the running around that is involved in it.  Every moment of every day is Dependant on the medications. Failure to take them is not an option, even reducing them down below the doses I have now bring about nasty nasty side effects that I simply cannot cope with.

But its more than that.  Its this nagging feeling that I know I am addicted to at least 2 medications probably more.  It makes me feel cheap, like some 2 dollar junkie.  I worry about withdrawals.

I have had serious withdrawals at least 10 times since I was first medicated.  It is never a feeling that you want to repeat.  Now if I have to change my meds I know that I will suffer terrible withdrawal symptoms.  The trade off is sanity of some kind.  Today wasn't a great day and it makes it hard to put all of those pills down your throat when they don't work properly.

So I am a slave to my medications, failure to take them will have me dangerous not only to myself but to others, massive withdrawals from the meds to which I have an addiction.  I know from running out of a medication that the end result is me on the verge of a breakdown, and I know next time I wont be so lucky.  So I take them on the hope that they work properly for me tomorrow, so that I can have a good day.  A good day for me is one where I am not confused, where I am not hearing voices, and I feel like its worthwhile being alive.

So I go to sleep now, lay my head on the pillow and pray for sleep with no dreams, after all they are usually what upsets the day ahead.  So when I go to sleep tonight I will take my sleeping medications with the hope that they do their job and take me away to a place of peace and quiet.  After all without dreams I cannot hear the whispers.