The eve of change

Well today is a day that I have both dreaded and wished for.  Contradiction no.  I have wished for better medication, but dread what it means.  You see I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that I would do everything in my power to get better, to become some kind of "normal".  I hate that word, because no one is normal, yet it fits what I am trying to say.

Part of this journey I have undertaken is a constant change of medications.  Its been a hard road many days to sick to even be awake. But my life and my ability to live have benefited greatly for it.  Yes there have been some steps back, but that is to be expected. Not every drug is going to work for me, such is the state of psychiatric drug therapy.

So tonight I stand on the precipice again. I am willing taking a risk with my life, I am going to make myself unwell in the hope that a new medication will make my life better again.  Its a hard choice, at my doctors today we went over every possible reaction I could have and the things I can do to protect myself during the phase.  Worse case scenario I will want to harm myself, best case I have no issue at all.  From experience I know I will fall somewhere in between.

I know deep in my heart this is the right course for me, but I am frightened.  Its not a fear of the unknown but rather a fear of what I know is likely to happen.  Its going to be hard on me, and I am going to wish I hadnt done this.  But I will come back to this blog and look at what I have written over the past year and remind myself that I can and will come through the worst of it.  Why ?  Because inside i am strong, I may not feel it but I know I have done this before and I am still here to talk about it.

So I ask over the next couple of days that you say a prayer for me or just wish me luck.  Im on a path I must be on, without it my life wouldn't be worth living.