Life in a fish bowl

Before you read much further this post is from a personal perspective of dealing with mental illness in a relationship.

So where to begin.  I have been in my current relationship for about 4 years, my partner is a lot younger than me, and that has been challenging in its own right, this being his first major relationship, just adds to that difficulty for me.

I have always been up front about my illness, and most of the side effects of that, but that didn't stop me from doing the wrong thing when the relationship and our finances were under pressure.  He couldn't work for 5 months due to surgery, and well I don't get a lot of money, just enough to survive and I did my best to support both our needs.

But to get through I paid a cost, a part of my personality that needs to fantasize about my actual place in the world.  This means all sorts of bad things were said and done, and expectations were let fall.  It was in a lot of ways history repeating itself.  Because I wasn't coping I set people up with promises I had no way or no intention of ever being able to fill.  Why ?  Because under that type of stress its what keeps me alive.

World of fantasy

So in the process  I damaged my relationship for ever.  Even though he knows that it was a stress reaction, he cannot and will not let it slide.  Every time something becomes stressful to the relationship he drags it up.  But its getting worse over time.  This makes uncertainty about my future and where I will be next week or even next month.

Self Destruction

You see I am sorry about what happened and I have said sorry many times, but its not enough, he accuses me of things that I haven't done.  Example in point is we have two other people living here.  Keeping the kitchen clean is nearly and OCD event with him.   Thursday he left to go on 4 days off.  I hadn't eaten very much for 3 days because of upset stomach, just a couple of bowls of cereal (all in the dishwasher). He came home to a fry pan and 6 or 7 plates in the sink the bin overflowing, and went off tap at me.  It wasn't me it was one of the housemates.  That is a common thing, I clean that damn kitchen twice a day and its still not enough. Its always my fault.

I pay around 75% of what I get in rent and other services here, he makes nearly 25 times what I do.  The other house mates pay less than I do, yet its not enough.  I got told off for buying parts for my car, because he had a big electrical bill to pay.  My car is my only way to leave this house, why should I sacrifice that for his bill.  None of the housemates pay electricity.  They use the clothes dryer for at least 3 hours a day, and only wash 1 or 2 items at a time. He accuses my computers for the power usage, yet the power meter on the wall says that even with everything running I use under .3cents an hour.

Anyway the issue now is I am fixated on the arguments, because he is unable or unwilling to see that I am not the issue and that his pressurizing me like this is going to trigger another bad event.  He wont listen to me at all.

So what to do.  My mental stability is worth more than any partner could ever mean to me.  With the amount I am paying out right now I can afford to go out on my own.  Although this is not ideal its better than where I am right now.  This constant demand for extra money I don't have to give is pulling me apart as is the realization that I am about no 4 on his list of priorities.  Example he was going away for 4 days didn't even say goodbye or tell me when he was coming home.

I have looked at a couple of places to move to, and as soon as I have the money I think I will move out of this place and away from him effectively ending the relationship.  Im sure if push came to shove I could loan the money from my crazy mother to get somewhere new if it goes horrible before I can organize it.  Its sad that I have gotten to a point where I can be so clinical about what I need and don't need in my life.  Its sad because I do love the guy but I cant deal with this behavior at all, its now not fixable as he wont move and wont forgive or forget.

So watch this space.  I can see I am leaving soon, when I am not sure it will depend on my ability to get the cash together, then move to where is the big question.  Im hurting a lot, suffering pretty much in silence right now.  I know he cant get over this, and I cant give any more so in the end its doomed no matter what happens from here, and I dont want to spend another year of my life in an ever worsening relationship have done that in the past and its soul destroying.

Its my fault in the end, so its best I be the one to leave