Earlier in the week

Hey all this is rather long and talks about what has been going on with me on a mental health note most the week

Earlier this week I fell into one of the biggest mental holes I have been in in years.

I was travelling along nicely, dealing with the stress of the car off the road, and other relationship and family issues that were going on in my life.  Then suddenly late on Tuesday afternoon I diagnosed the problem with the car. It turned out to be a faulty alternator (more on this later).  I felt great, I had worked hard an consistently to reach that point, I had effectively used my resources at hand, and in the process probably saved myself thousands of dollars getting the car repaired at the dealers.

There was a huge release of pressure and underlying stress.  As per usual, it made me feel pretty good about myself.  That I had proved that I could deal with high levels of stress and that I had gotten a lot better with my illness.

Well in the end that's not what happened.  I felt great for a couple hours then came the punishment for dealing with the stress.  I mentally collapsed, I started hearing voices, having hallucinations, and wanting to hurt myself.  No warning nothing.  One minute I was sitting here listening to a podcast next I was staring at a bottle of xanax wondering if I had enough.

I took immediate action.  Full round of medications stilnox and xanax and bed.  Hoping to ride out the worst of it asleep.  I don't remember much of the night partner said I was up a couple of times.  When I woke around 11.00am the next day I was worse I took stilnox and two doses of xanax over the day to ride it out asleep.  I awoke later in the day and it was over thank god.  The worst bit since has been the hangover from the xanax, but I am over that this evening.

So what does this mean.  It proves what I have feared all along, that although I can deal with stress while its happening, I am doing so at a cost down the track.  Stress has always been a trigger for the more nasty side of my personality, this time however that was focused inwards on me.  The voices were aimed at me, to hurt me to damage me.  When i fight them they turn to whispers, and that is even more debilitating. It also proves what my psychiatrist keeps saying to me.  Don't forget you still have your illness and it can bite you at any time.  

The chemical assistance during the episode probably saved my life, as did the recognition of the collapse in its early stages.  As I sit here writing this i am horrified at how quickly I failed, how quickly I went from happy to nothing.  But rather than see this as a traumatic event I have decided to look at it in a positive light.  To realize my own actions and insight brought me through a very dangerous event for me, that my faith in the medications and the processes I have in place saved me.  Although I failed in coming undone , I triumphed in treating my illness.

So we continue, I will trial a new medication sometime in the next 6 weeks with the expectation that I will continue to get better.  Its hard work this stuff, going through addiction and withdrawal again and again but events like the last couple of days let me see how much harder I have to fight and how the battle is far from over.  Have no fear reader I will not if I can help it fail in my journey to be well.

Now for the side note about the car.  I have found the issue after a lot of online help from the Australian French car owners forum.  We went through everything step by step, and found out that the alternator was giving uneven voltage dropping from 14 Volts to .5 Volts then back again to be honest the readings were all over the place.  Was so excited when I got the readings, then left it a couple hours and tested again, and the readings were the same.  So have now ordered a new alternator, the cheapest one local was $750.00 plus shipping, but will have one here next week sometime on my door for around $200.00.  A simple switch over and it looks like we will be back together, and I will have my fun car back.

Thanks all for reading