Rinse and Repeat

Today's title was a comment made about how we live our lives on an online forum.  The thread was about what keep people going when they are at the bottom, not the meds not the treatment, but the little things that keep you safe.

I hadn't commented till yesterday even though the thread has been active since Feb.  But it reminded me of the little things that keep me going.  My life for the past month has not been easy, I have been studying and getting ready for full time work.  On Tuesday I head south to Brisbane for the 3rd time this year, and to be honest I am anxious about any trip.

I can feel myself cycling and believe it or not I am on my way down.  I have been sad a lot in the last couple months, even the me time I have been taking is not enough.  I have lots to be thankful for, I have a great partner, and an ability to help support myself.   But I feel as though I am coming up short.  No matter what I do it will never give me back what I have lost.

They say you should not live in your past.  Its hard not to, its hard not to want the life I had, the money the power the influence.  But most of all the security that all that provided me.  I feel at times lost in this new life.  I feel that even though I have given my life direction, it will still all end in the same place.

I have wanted for a long time to have what I have now, but again now I have it im not sure that I truly ever wanted it.  I feel listless and unsettled, and from here I know the next step is to feel nothing.  Thats a very lonely place to be.  Part of me says go pack a bag grab the important stuff and leave, leave this place this life and that way I will stop being a constant sources of failure to those around me because they wont be around me for me to let them down.

I feel at times I owe everyone everything, that I cant really stand on my own without the support of others.  I also feel that in time they will get sick of not having the better things in life. That they will get sick of me and my inability to make a real difference to their lives.  In the end I feel a burden on everyone.  My family my partner and all of my friends will eventually get sick of me and leave.  So the easiest thing is for me to do it first.

I realize that none of what I have said above is rational, that people are stronger and more tolerant than I give them credit for.  But more importantly these people have been in my life because they love and care for me.  But it still does not take away how I feel, and the anxiety that follows with that.  My brain is broken and no matter how much rational thought you put it, its always going to come out scrambled.

So now I am going to go sit out on the back lawn in the shade and listen to the birds and the wind, to hopefully make me feel a lot better, if not I will go to sleep.  But with sleep there are no guarantees.

So I rinse and repeat through another long BP cycle.  In the end the only difference between me now and when I was first diagnosed is that I now have something to lose.  I have people who would be devastated at my loss.  Sometimes that's enough.

Anyway for now im outta here take care write soon



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