Pain
Its something that we all experience, and there are multiple types of pain. For the purposes of this post we are talking about emotional pain.
Some years ago now I took a very serious step and tried to end my life. I drove my car at high speed into a fairly large tree. I wasnt successful obviously, but I was broken and damaged in ways people could never imagine.
We use the word pain a lot in mental health, its used to cover a wide variety of feelings. I can tell you from experience you never want to feel the pain I felt that night. Even the pain from the crash didnt come close to the pain and emptiness that had become me.
My carers often ask me would I do it again ? Would I try to harm myself ? I answer I don't know. Believe it or not its the truth. I cant say no I wont, because given that level of pain I might again decide no life is better than a life of never ending suffering. People find this so hard to deal with, primarily because they have never experienced what it is to wake up feeling that down that empty that worthless. How can ordinary people even contemplate what it feels like. The answer is of course they cant.
I have given up trying to explain to others the pain that drove me to hurt myself, that forced me over the edge. People cannot possibly fathom the depths of despair and pain I was suffering. So I just leave it be. Talk about something else.
One more thing. Just because I haven't got stitches, or a cast. Just because I don't need my wounds being tended to, just because I don't sound like I have a cold, doesn't mean that I am not unwell. You accept the others as a given yet you have issues trying to understand how I can be sick when I have no physical damage.
The truth be known my sickness can be life threatening, just because i look ok on the outside and act ok , doesn't mean that I am. But I need you, I need you to pick up on the signs I am unwell, I need you to show me that I can trust you, and ultimately I need you to help me stay safe.
What does it mean to trust you to keep you safe ? My illness leads to paranoia, I trust no one in fact I will set people up to prove how untrustworthy they are. You need to show me that you care for me. You keep me safe by doing what you have to to keep me away from that dark place. If that means ordering me to bed to go to sleep, or telling me to go meditate somewhere, then thats what you do. Your not always going to get it right but deep down I know that to. With me when in doubt ask, not just once but a couple of times if I am ok. Eventually you will get the right answer.
I'm glad I didn't die that day, though it took me a few years to realize that. Im glad I am here to write posts like this, to hopefully help someone else find their way out of the darkness.
Some years ago now I took a very serious step and tried to end my life. I drove my car at high speed into a fairly large tree. I wasnt successful obviously, but I was broken and damaged in ways people could never imagine.
We use the word pain a lot in mental health, its used to cover a wide variety of feelings. I can tell you from experience you never want to feel the pain I felt that night. Even the pain from the crash didnt come close to the pain and emptiness that had become me.
My carers often ask me would I do it again ? Would I try to harm myself ? I answer I don't know. Believe it or not its the truth. I cant say no I wont, because given that level of pain I might again decide no life is better than a life of never ending suffering. People find this so hard to deal with, primarily because they have never experienced what it is to wake up feeling that down that empty that worthless. How can ordinary people even contemplate what it feels like. The answer is of course they cant.
I have given up trying to explain to others the pain that drove me to hurt myself, that forced me over the edge. People cannot possibly fathom the depths of despair and pain I was suffering. So I just leave it be. Talk about something else.
One more thing. Just because I haven't got stitches, or a cast. Just because I don't need my wounds being tended to, just because I don't sound like I have a cold, doesn't mean that I am not unwell. You accept the others as a given yet you have issues trying to understand how I can be sick when I have no physical damage.
The truth be known my sickness can be life threatening, just because i look ok on the outside and act ok , doesn't mean that I am. But I need you, I need you to pick up on the signs I am unwell, I need you to show me that I can trust you, and ultimately I need you to help me stay safe.
What does it mean to trust you to keep you safe ? My illness leads to paranoia, I trust no one in fact I will set people up to prove how untrustworthy they are. You need to show me that you care for me. You keep me safe by doing what you have to to keep me away from that dark place. If that means ordering me to bed to go to sleep, or telling me to go meditate somewhere, then thats what you do. Your not always going to get it right but deep down I know that to. With me when in doubt ask, not just once but a couple of times if I am ok. Eventually you will get the right answer.
I'm glad I didn't die that day, though it took me a few years to realize that. Im glad I am here to write posts like this, to hopefully help someone else find their way out of the darkness.
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