Lessons from a lost generation.
If you don't like in depth observations then please don't read this post. This post is about a lost generation of young men, who are now approaching 40, who have spent their life in silence.
What am I on about ? There are two parts to this blog post, 1 about boys who became men and were same sex attracted and 2 boys who became men carrying a too often deadly illness.
I am from both groups, I have an in depth view of what it is like to be in both situations, and I have met online and real life men in both groups. Below are my observations of those people and my own terrible experiences.
The first group, is probably the one that is most unseen. I grew up in a rural community where adherence to the christian faith and the churches teachings were paramount. Jokes about gay men were derogatory and often were used to guide someones decision making process. I went to a catholic secondary school and was active in my community, I had a large group of friends and I helped out where I could. The difference between me and everyone else was I held a terrible secret.
You see for as long back as I can remember I had always had some level of attraction to other males. I don't mean like best mates, i mean like I want to cuddle you in my arms as we lay watching TV. Every time I got close to a guy I ran away, frightened of my own feelings and scared that I would go to hell for the thoughts. School shower rooms were both a thrill and a terror all in one. After I had my first male on male experience when I was 13, I was terrified. I couldn't talk to anyone, and if anyone found out I knew I would loose my friends and family. So I told myself it was a phase and I would grow out of it. I was 21 when I had my first Girlfriend, she wasn't particularly attractive, and sex was not something I enjoyed very much. I found myself often fantasizing about being with another guy.
I had another 3 long term relationships with women, in between each girlfriend I would toy with the idea of coming out. Every time I tried to broach the subject a smart arsed remark was made or a derogatory statement about gay men. Before my last Girlfriend I had even gone on a date with another guy, but my fear and the social expectations of me, would not let me be free. I finally came out when I was 33, why then you ask ? Well I had had a major breakdown and nearly took my own life, my relationship with my girlfriend was on the rocks, my parents hated me, had lost my business and all my money, I had nothing left to loose. When I came out it was a massive shock to just about everyone. Im extremely macho straight acting guy, I like cars football, basketball and anything else that has a motor attached to it. I am not the stereo typical gay guy.
Since then I have lost a lot of friends but gained some as well. Over the time I have met many guys my age who have only recently come out, and our reasons are all very similar. The common thread is Ï will grow out of it, its a phase". Its how we lie to ourselves so we can live the life that everyone else wants for us. Not what we need to do for ourselves. I no longer have any contact with the church, I am unwanted. I find that typical of the people I have met also.
I have posed a question many times which is the worse sin? To lie to everyone about who you are every day of your life ? Or to come out and be gay ? Its an either or not a both scenario. I can tell you if I had a choice in who I was attracted to, I would not be gay. Having said that I am proud of who I am today. After I came out and I got my first Boyfriend, us being together was the most natural thing I have done in my entire life.
Number 2 is the hardest one. Mental illness was seen as a weakness when I was a kid, boys don't cry they don't talk about their feelings. It was a case of "just grow up" whenever you needed to talk about things. I know I had depression issues even before puberty, during puberty it got worse. The issue again was I had no one to talk to, no one I could share those deep dark feelings with. I feel now that even if they were there I wouldn't have known how to express the darkness I felt. I wasn't diagnosed with anything until I was 33, I had convinced myself that the feelings I had were normal, after all surely everyone else thought about suicide,
I was interested a couple months back when suicide prevention measures were spoken about and how that the rate of suicide had dropped in the targeted age band but it had gone unchanged as the group around my age moved into the next band. Basically our suicide rate has not altered. What this means I am unsure but it frightens me that I may still loose others, or worse myself.
Bringing number 1 and 2 together is an unfortunate series of events. One of my cousins who I grew up with and was close with until my mid 20's took his life about 18 months ago. He left a letter for his mum where he said he couldn't come to terms with his attraction to men, and he could not possibly go through life being gay. I hurt because of that, I look back on his life and it was like mine, always doing what was expected of you, the wife the kids, the house, the picket fence. His relationships with women were train wrecks like mine. If I had only seen the pattern before hand maybe just maybe I could have helped. Unfortunately my aunt and uncle had chosen not to tell him about me being gay, he might have been here today if they had. I don't blame them, they have suffered enough, I just miss him.
So next time you make the sly gay joke, next time you stand up and say being gay is wrong, next time you joke about someones mental state, think about what you have read here today. My life is not easy and nor is it easy for the hundreds of thousands of men who are living in straight relationships because they feel they have to. Think about that 14 year old boy confused about his feelings for other guys, who is bullied at school. Gay teen suicide rates are astounding, If you think isolating someone from gay influences stops someone being gay, then you need to have a look at the rural suicide figures where boys don't get support.
WHEN WILL ENOUGH BE ENOUGH.
Feel free to comment on either side of this I like open discussion
What am I on about ? There are two parts to this blog post, 1 about boys who became men and were same sex attracted and 2 boys who became men carrying a too often deadly illness.
I am from both groups, I have an in depth view of what it is like to be in both situations, and I have met online and real life men in both groups. Below are my observations of those people and my own terrible experiences.
The first group, is probably the one that is most unseen. I grew up in a rural community where adherence to the christian faith and the churches teachings were paramount. Jokes about gay men were derogatory and often were used to guide someones decision making process. I went to a catholic secondary school and was active in my community, I had a large group of friends and I helped out where I could. The difference between me and everyone else was I held a terrible secret.
You see for as long back as I can remember I had always had some level of attraction to other males. I don't mean like best mates, i mean like I want to cuddle you in my arms as we lay watching TV. Every time I got close to a guy I ran away, frightened of my own feelings and scared that I would go to hell for the thoughts. School shower rooms were both a thrill and a terror all in one. After I had my first male on male experience when I was 13, I was terrified. I couldn't talk to anyone, and if anyone found out I knew I would loose my friends and family. So I told myself it was a phase and I would grow out of it. I was 21 when I had my first Girlfriend, she wasn't particularly attractive, and sex was not something I enjoyed very much. I found myself often fantasizing about being with another guy.
I had another 3 long term relationships with women, in between each girlfriend I would toy with the idea of coming out. Every time I tried to broach the subject a smart arsed remark was made or a derogatory statement about gay men. Before my last Girlfriend I had even gone on a date with another guy, but my fear and the social expectations of me, would not let me be free. I finally came out when I was 33, why then you ask ? Well I had had a major breakdown and nearly took my own life, my relationship with my girlfriend was on the rocks, my parents hated me, had lost my business and all my money, I had nothing left to loose. When I came out it was a massive shock to just about everyone. Im extremely macho straight acting guy, I like cars football, basketball and anything else that has a motor attached to it. I am not the stereo typical gay guy.
Since then I have lost a lot of friends but gained some as well. Over the time I have met many guys my age who have only recently come out, and our reasons are all very similar. The common thread is Ï will grow out of it, its a phase". Its how we lie to ourselves so we can live the life that everyone else wants for us. Not what we need to do for ourselves. I no longer have any contact with the church, I am unwanted. I find that typical of the people I have met also.
I have posed a question many times which is the worse sin? To lie to everyone about who you are every day of your life ? Or to come out and be gay ? Its an either or not a both scenario. I can tell you if I had a choice in who I was attracted to, I would not be gay. Having said that I am proud of who I am today. After I came out and I got my first Boyfriend, us being together was the most natural thing I have done in my entire life.
Number 2 is the hardest one. Mental illness was seen as a weakness when I was a kid, boys don't cry they don't talk about their feelings. It was a case of "just grow up" whenever you needed to talk about things. I know I had depression issues even before puberty, during puberty it got worse. The issue again was I had no one to talk to, no one I could share those deep dark feelings with. I feel now that even if they were there I wouldn't have known how to express the darkness I felt. I wasn't diagnosed with anything until I was 33, I had convinced myself that the feelings I had were normal, after all surely everyone else thought about suicide,
I was interested a couple months back when suicide prevention measures were spoken about and how that the rate of suicide had dropped in the targeted age band but it had gone unchanged as the group around my age moved into the next band. Basically our suicide rate has not altered. What this means I am unsure but it frightens me that I may still loose others, or worse myself.
Bringing number 1 and 2 together is an unfortunate series of events. One of my cousins who I grew up with and was close with until my mid 20's took his life about 18 months ago. He left a letter for his mum where he said he couldn't come to terms with his attraction to men, and he could not possibly go through life being gay. I hurt because of that, I look back on his life and it was like mine, always doing what was expected of you, the wife the kids, the house, the picket fence. His relationships with women were train wrecks like mine. If I had only seen the pattern before hand maybe just maybe I could have helped. Unfortunately my aunt and uncle had chosen not to tell him about me being gay, he might have been here today if they had. I don't blame them, they have suffered enough, I just miss him.
So next time you make the sly gay joke, next time you stand up and say being gay is wrong, next time you joke about someones mental state, think about what you have read here today. My life is not easy and nor is it easy for the hundreds of thousands of men who are living in straight relationships because they feel they have to. Think about that 14 year old boy confused about his feelings for other guys, who is bullied at school. Gay teen suicide rates are astounding, If you think isolating someone from gay influences stops someone being gay, then you need to have a look at the rural suicide figures where boys don't get support.
WHEN WILL ENOUGH BE ENOUGH.
Feel free to comment on either side of this I like open discussion
Comments
Post a Comment