To Cope
Warning Heavy Rambling Post but please read
The more and more I live with this illness I have begun to understand that you do some extraordinary things to just cope with the things that happen to you. Some days its just enough to know that tomorrow wont be the same as today.
To live each moment without having plans for the future. A future that may never be. I have spent days inside my own head unable to escape to be part of the world around me. I have to prick myself to make me bleed so I can break away from the thoughts and the trap I set for myself. I don't mean self harm I mean I may listen to music or even read something that I know will evoke a mental reaction. Normally to make me cry.
You say your insane why would you intentionally make yourself upset. Because if I don't I cant break free of the mental stress, the fixation the devastation and destruction. I fear what I become when I am like that, I cant feel anything, I have no fear of anything even death. Fearless yes, nothing scares me I become numb to the world. I look myself in the mirror and I see death looking back. Its my darkness coming to take me away.
I'm lucky because I now see what happens to me and I am strong enough to recognize it. In a perfect world all of the medications I take would stop that from happening. But its not a perfect world. In this world the one I live in, I take over a dozen tablets every day. They help me cope they help me have some part of humanity and normality. But my darkness haunts me. Even on the good days when all is fine its not far behind me, like a wolf at the door, waiting for a moment of weakness.
But I move on move to the next day, and now after all these years I think I may be able to have a future for me, despite the darkness wanting to take it away. A normal person will read what I have written and say you make no sense, how can you need pain to stop pain. I think that you don't understand because you have never felt the pain and the darkness that I not only see that I experience. Before I was diagnosed I made everyone around me feel the same way. I would play games with them manipulate them so that they could fall so I could see their pain. I know it was sick, but I was sick. It still amazes me that people stayed but I suppose the money had a lot to do with that. Very few people I knew from back then are friends any more.
I am now hoping the plans I have in place will mean a better future for me and those around me, I can and will continue to go to extraordinary lengths to stay safe. I ask one thing of you readers is that when you lay down tonight, that you think of those people who like me have an illness that can never be cured. Pray to god that we have the strength to make another day, and pray that no one you know takes the penultimate act and ends it all. The devastation is immense. And individual strength is sometimes not enough. If someone in your life is acting erratic, ask if they are ok. Not once but many times, I was asked once or twice but I shrugged it off. Consistency and a reason to trust you is what is needed, if someone threatens to hurt themselves you cant shrug it off, you do and you may just loose that person.
Sorry about the rambling of this post, I know its a tough read I post these in the hope that it helps someone else. They are not easy for me to write, but I think essential to help.
The more and more I live with this illness I have begun to understand that you do some extraordinary things to just cope with the things that happen to you. Some days its just enough to know that tomorrow wont be the same as today.
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| Sunrise another reason to make it through the night |
You say your insane why would you intentionally make yourself upset. Because if I don't I cant break free of the mental stress, the fixation the devastation and destruction. I fear what I become when I am like that, I cant feel anything, I have no fear of anything even death. Fearless yes, nothing scares me I become numb to the world. I look myself in the mirror and I see death looking back. Its my darkness coming to take me away.
 |
| A sad angel is there anything more distressing |
But I move on move to the next day, and now after all these years I think I may be able to have a future for me, despite the darkness wanting to take it away. A normal person will read what I have written and say you make no sense, how can you need pain to stop pain. I think that you don't understand because you have never felt the pain and the darkness that I not only see that I experience. Before I was diagnosed I made everyone around me feel the same way. I would play games with them manipulate them so that they could fall so I could see their pain. I know it was sick, but I was sick. It still amazes me that people stayed but I suppose the money had a lot to do with that. Very few people I knew from back then are friends any more.
 |
| Pray for our strength to make another day |
I am now hoping the plans I have in place will mean a better future for me and those around me, I can and will continue to go to extraordinary lengths to stay safe. I ask one thing of you readers is that when you lay down tonight, that you think of those people who like me have an illness that can never be cured. Pray to god that we have the strength to make another day, and pray that no one you know takes the penultimate act and ends it all. The devastation is immense. And individual strength is sometimes not enough. If someone in your life is acting erratic, ask if they are ok. Not once but many times, I was asked once or twice but I shrugged it off. Consistency and a reason to trust you is what is needed, if someone threatens to hurt themselves you cant shrug it off, you do and you may just loose that person.
Sorry about the rambling of this post, I know its a tough read I post these in the hope that it helps someone else. They are not easy for me to write, but I think essential to help.
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