Wheels within Wheels circles within circles
One of the biggest things I deal with daily is paranoia. Now its not the tin foil hat type the governments watching me. I know that bits true thanks to Mr Snowden and co. Its about how I interpret things.
An example of something simple. Was at the supermarket tonight, I always try and go through the same girl, I find her pleasant and she has always got a friendly smile. I will often wait a little longer so I can go through her register. Well tonight as I was walking up she closed her register. Now a normal person would see that as something simple like she is going on a break or going home. But to my paranoid mind, its part of a pattern. A pattern of people not wanting to be around me. So next thing I am checking my phone to see when last people called me.
It escalates from there to sending those I havent heard from this week a text message, trying to find out if I had done something wrong. One thing sets of another and then another, until im confused and unable to interpret my world at all. Even watching TV becomes a major event as I am unable to follow plots or news stories.
Basically the longer I let it run the worse it gets, to a point where I retreat into my own mind and place no emphasis on talking with the real world. Now understand that this can go on for days or weeks all triggered by a small insignificant event. In the end its the use of a jagged pill that brings back normality.
Now people say well just don't think like that. Huh I wish it was just that easy. Its taken me a long time to realize the action/reaction process that leads to these moments.Although it may start with once incident by the end of the process I could be foucssed on something my partner said.
So it is hard, its hard on me and everyone around me. To deal with it I often have to delve into a group of drugs I would rather not use. The outcomes are usually ok sometimes they leave a set of scars that I had no idea existed. For me on a personal level these things are difficult. Sometimes I miss social ques because of it and sometimes I screw them completely up as I overreact.
Like it or not paranoia and everything that goes with it is now part of my life and always will be, the mechanations within my own mind will always ensure that there are wheels within wheels circles within circles. But its not the end just another part of my journey with this illness. To recognise disagnose and treat paranoia is a journey in itself, but a worthwhile one because without living with that pit of anxiety in the middle of your chest feels one hell of a lot better
Horse
An example of something simple. Was at the supermarket tonight, I always try and go through the same girl, I find her pleasant and she has always got a friendly smile. I will often wait a little longer so I can go through her register. Well tonight as I was walking up she closed her register. Now a normal person would see that as something simple like she is going on a break or going home. But to my paranoid mind, its part of a pattern. A pattern of people not wanting to be around me. So next thing I am checking my phone to see when last people called me.
It escalates from there to sending those I havent heard from this week a text message, trying to find out if I had done something wrong. One thing sets of another and then another, until im confused and unable to interpret my world at all. Even watching TV becomes a major event as I am unable to follow plots or news stories.
Basically the longer I let it run the worse it gets, to a point where I retreat into my own mind and place no emphasis on talking with the real world. Now understand that this can go on for days or weeks all triggered by a small insignificant event. In the end its the use of a jagged pill that brings back normality.
Now people say well just don't think like that. Huh I wish it was just that easy. Its taken me a long time to realize the action/reaction process that leads to these moments.Although it may start with once incident by the end of the process I could be foucssed on something my partner said.So it is hard, its hard on me and everyone around me. To deal with it I often have to delve into a group of drugs I would rather not use. The outcomes are usually ok sometimes they leave a set of scars that I had no idea existed. For me on a personal level these things are difficult. Sometimes I miss social ques because of it and sometimes I screw them completely up as I overreact.
Like it or not paranoia and everything that goes with it is now part of my life and always will be, the mechanations within my own mind will always ensure that there are wheels within wheels circles within circles. But its not the end just another part of my journey with this illness. To recognise disagnose and treat paranoia is a journey in itself, but a worthwhile one because without living with that pit of anxiety in the middle of your chest feels one hell of a lot better
Horse
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