The Old Tin Shed

I think I have mentioned a couple of times in the past, that I am adopted.  I was adopted as a baby, and my mum and dad as I know them were my adopted parents.  My sister is also adopted, from a different mother. 4 Corners on the Australian ABC had a program recently on forced adoptions.  I wanted to watch it, but found I couldnt.  What little i do know of my birth mother is the fact I was taken without her consent. Maybe we are not supposed to see some things, maybe its still a painful thing for me, but I look at how my sister and I turned out, and we have both had the a-typical adopted child life.  We both suffer from low self-esteem, and use food to help us cope.  We both try to avoid conflict rather than stand up for ourselves.  And now even she is showing signs of mental illness. Im not proud of my past and have stuck my hands up many times to admit fault and ultimately responsibility.  But when I have doctors say to me "wow you la...

Hey all. Yep another weekend over.  I had a rough one, stubbed my little toe on the corner of the day bed its all black blue yellow and purple.  Then put a big cut and bruise in my shoulder caught it on the back door of my partners mums car that I am working on. Not ten minuets later trying to undo a sump plug I ended up belting my first knuckle on my left had with a hammer.  Its not great either  Then we were pulling a bed apart and the bed head whacked me fair across the old skull, made me see stars for a bit.  Then later in the evening went round to turn the pool pump on and again stubbed my little toe this time into a concrete brick.  To top that off, I ruined dinner. Fantastic day lol.  Seriously though I am ok, was just having one of those bad ones yesterday.  The toe is a bit of a concern, after the swim in the pool the swelling had gone down heaps, but its still throbbing and causing some serious discomfort.  No point on...

Im the bald fat guy I have been better this year than last. Still hurts I miss him lots.  Still find I pick up the phone to call him from time to time.  That usually ruins a good day. Mum spent the day at San Remo, a place we all used to spend our holidays as a family and a place in later years we would go for great fish and chips. Mum is further away from his ashes than I am, we spread them over the Great Barrier Reef just off mission beach about an hours drive from here.  His last wish was to spend eternity in paradise.  In a real way he is, its an amazing place.  There is so much conflict in the family about his decision, and as always I must play the middle ground. Mum & Dad together enjoying Fish and Chips I find it hard I dont have a single point to go talk to him, but I also understand his desire to have no marker for his passing, he was like his father he wanted no fuss.  In fact we had to convince him to have a funeral.  Some...

My father passed away this day 2 years ago, the time just clicked over to when mum called to let me know. Just wanted to say.  I miss you dad.  I hope your at peace. Love Stuart

Nothing cryptic about this posts heading.  I take this type of medication from time to time, and have found it to be extremely useful.  I have posted before about Xanax, which is the branded name of the medication.  I call it my jagged little pill. There is no doubt it helps me, it pulls me back from the frantic panic, and anxiety that, sometimes enters my life.  It restores order and peace to my mind, I feel while under its grip that I can cope that I can deal with the things that led me to take them.  Its a trick, a chemical trick that works well with me.  I only use them sparingly as resistance to the medication comes around easily. So why the Jagged pill.  One of this medications side effects is memory loss.  Its good in some ways bad in others.  An example today would have been I swore my partner had been home, but that was not the case I simply did not remember the way things were laid out. The good side of the memory loss is t...

Yeah well this was my 6 week regular visit.  I get along well with my Psychiatrist, we have an understanding about me and my illness.  You see ever since I became sick, I have been willing to go through just about anything to get better. That means a lot of med changes, lots of withdrawal periods where I felt like dog poo.   He made an interesting comment today.  He said "you have been through hell, but you have never lost sight of the single goal to get as well as you can." I appreciate that because it has allowed me to do my job." In a nutshell, that's it isn't it.  That its not just giving up expecting the medications to make you well, its about an attitude and how far are you prepared to go.  The insight I have over my illness is borne of desperation, to be normal. Yuck there's that word.  I'm not normal, but I fit the norm now. We talked about my last post also.  About gain...

Whats started.  Not something important to others but to me its a major step forward.  It means mentally I have changed position yet again. That is really important in my longer term recovery and understanding of my own illness. So whats started.  I can listen to new music again.  Doesn't sound like much but it is.  Until recently new music made me tense and paranoid.  Then after all the stress of the last week changed me.  Now I crave new sounds new music.  It also has another meaning one that is extremely important to me, it means that I can now enjoy my gaming without having to give it up after 40 minutes. I am becoming the old me, the me that was ok that enjoyed to explore the world around him.  If I gain one more thing back, I will have recovered the parts of me that I wanted back.  That were taken away by the illness and medications.  I just need to be able to write short stories again.  I miss that creative ou...