Who am I

This is one of the hardest of all questions that we as humans can ask of ourselves.  Some people spend a life time in deep spiritual contemplation seeking the answer to this very question.

Now not to take from those people but inside us all is the answer to that question.  Whether or not we like the answer is a different story.  nearly 15 years ago now I looked to see who I was and what I saw scared me, I attempted to make changes to change that person.  In hindsight it was a terrible time of my life to be doing it and it was a contributing factor to my breakdown.

More recently I have looked again and seen someone completely different, this person is broken yes and at times wants his life to end.  But he is kinder, cares about others more than himself, and has finally found the thing he had hoped he would find.  A person who cares about the truth above everything else.  I don't suffer fools or liars well.  I accept people for who they are but I dont have to accociate with those people who I find detestable and worst of all they remind me of the old me.  That I cannot be,

So I ask you, do you really know who you are warts and all, or like most people to scared to really look.

But all this is a premise to something far darker.  I want people to understand that the forces that took Chester Bennington from us, will probably take me.  I was in so much pain last night unable to sleep and nothing I could do could take it away.  Suicide was fast becoming my only option 5 calls to lifeline and I was still just holding on.  I'm changing anti psychotics because I have to not because I want to and I made some dumb decisions that made it all the worse.

Now we are on this topic let me dispel a couple of bad assumptions.

1. Its not a cry for help
2. Its an easy way out
3. I am not weak, in fact I am showing an inner strength you don't have
4. It hurts everyone
5. You should be afraid of dying
6. Doesn't your will to live stop you.

The answer to all of the above is F***k no.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to hurt yourself, to take your own life.  I have tried many times and gotten very close a couple of times.  It takes guts to take that final decision and I pray for you that you never have to take it.  It changes who you are for ever.  When your own life has no value neither does anything else.  

Suicide is never far from my mind even on a good day.  Does that mean I am going to kill myself every day?  No it does not but I am in a constant cycle of wanting out of this life so I think about it a lot.  Which will be the quickest, which will cause less pain, which will have a low shock factor to whoever finds me?  Should I leave a note explaining my actions, should I do it at home or far away where no one knows me.  

I know no normal human would think these things but I do, and when I lose my fight like right now, I wonder these things, I know its only temporary but I am unsure if I can continue along like this.  You see its not just the illness but the daily reminder of it that in recent months has become wearing.  Every day I take a hand full of pills never sure they will work, but dam sure that they will hurt no matter what, hurt my legs my feet my head and my belly.  Its all fine for others to say take the pills they make him well but how could they possibly understand

We survivors are a special breed hurt in ways you could not possibly understand, an no I am not just going to get over it.  I have this for life  Yes that's right, there is no cure, just because I don't ware a cast for a broken limb or have stitches doesn't mean I am not unwell or broken.  I wish you asses would wake up and and realize your actions push me closer to the edge closer to my last breath.  Your inability to wake up and see the sickness for what it is, makes me angry so angry murdering you would be a relief.   Was that a threat , you take it how you want, but next time a mentally ill person cracks and hurts someone remember this post and its prophetic warnings.

There are days when opening the bedroom door is to much for me.  Have you ever experienced that in your supposed screwed up life you complaining piece of crap.  Have you ever felt like everyone is looking at you when you go to the supermarket ?  No then what the hell have you got to complain about.   Enter your reasons for complaint here __________________________________  I ain't listening you have no reason none.  

Am I being brutal yes I am.  Its time I took the gloves off and had a bare knuckle brawl, I'm sick of hearing normal people complain (yes mum your in there) when you have not a thing to complain about you have no bloody idea what it is to suffer.  I suffer every god dam day of my life its only the depth of suffering that changes.  Grow up the lot of you.

One more topic, why must I be made to suffer because of who I love, my government is intent on tearing my country apart over the issue.  Please think twice, I doubt I will last to the end, my ashes will be spilt onto the ocean and it will be over for me.  My final night my final abyss where I meet all that I have lost and loved.  

For now see you later I'm not going to be able to say anything more I can no longer see the keys from the falling tears.

Horse