Food a complex relationship

First of all, Happy New Years, glad to see you all still around.

The day after boxing day, I started in earnest on a diet.  I know I have tried this multiple times over the past year, but I am doing well, having lost 5 Kgs so far.

Trust me this is far from easy, food and the comfort it brings me, makes for a very complex relationship.  You see when I was in my early 20's I was blond haired blue eyed, built guy with the 6 pack and huge chest.  I did a couple of modeling shoots as well.  I had made the commitment to fitness and health.  But it all changed for me.  The reasons are complex and at the time I made a myriad of excuses as to why I let myself go.  Mostly it was the repression of my attraction to men, I didnt see why I should look after myself if I had to live the way I did.  Over time eating badly and not exercising became habit, but it became more than that. It became a comfort when I was unwell, and at the same time made me unhappy.

I went from one failed relationship to another, never ever really feeling fulfilled, all the while finding comfort in food.  I watched my weight grow steadily every couple years gaining another 5 Kgs,  Then in 2006, I went on a diet, and did really well.  I lost over 20Kgs, and kept if off for over a year.  But old habits reappeared, primarily to do with my illness and the stresses that was putting me under.  Some days its hard to even get out of bed, let along worry about what you put in your stomach to shut the grumbling up.  So I gained weight again.  Add to this the fact that the anti-psychotics make me crave Carbs, just makes it harder.

My problem really has never really  been Junk food I can eat it consistently for very short periods before I want real food.   Now what do I mean by real food.  I mean, steak, pasta, chicken, cheese, bread, potatoes etc.  The worse thing was the constant supply of fizzy drinks, sometimes 3ltrs a day.

So whats changed ?  Well I have been planning this since the middle of November, I started cutting down on the food I ate, ie portion size, and started cutting down the fizzy drink and moved to Cordial.  Milk is also a drink I have abused sometimes up to 4 Ltrs in a day, so I cut it down to nothing by the time I started the diet.

All those changes have made a huge difference in the way I have felt since I started on the Shakes.  Normally I would be hungry to a point I could not function.  Im not now, I have found it easy to stick to so far.  But it has not taken away the cravings for real food.  The difference is that I can rationalize as to why I cant eat them.

Its strange to what you crave when you basically don't eat anything, like this morning all I wanted was a bowl of ice cream with fresh raspberries.  Last night I wanted baked potato's.    But the cravings have got me seriously thinking about what I will eat on my reward days and what I will eat once I make my ideal weight.  It is imperative that I don't gain weight again, part this is the food I eat, I am aware of what people want me to eat, but  also know if I am forced to eat something I dont like then old habits will reappear.  Now I have some time to work through what I will include and exclude from my food on a daily basis, and hopefully I can come up with a compromise that works.

Once I lose the weight, I am going to have excess skin around my stomach, .and will need a tummy tuck so I am not carrying around a layer of lose skin.  On top of this I want to get back to weight lifting and body building.  I want to be able to use the weight lifting as crutch should I get unwell again rather than food.  Both of these will require some money from me, but I think it will be worth while.

So this year may be the year that I make a radical change in my life, to lose the weight to become healthy again, and everything that comes with that.  It is a big year for me in many ways, being 40 in May, it really is a case of now or never for me.  I keep thinking about what I once was, how fit I was how well I was, and I want that back so bad I can taste it.