Its about Faith
Todays post was inspired by Sharon at Jeweling the Elephant. She recently made a post called Everyday - Grace is Gone. In it she talks about the comfort others have in their faith and how she envy's that.
I to have issues with faith, in my younger days I was a strong believer in God and his church, I believed in the teachings and how to apply it to your daily life. But things changed. I changed. It all started when I was about 16. My close friends father committed suicide. I thought or assumed that the local church and its leaders would be there for the family. They weren't. They abandoned my friend and his family when they needed him the most.
I remember thinking at the time, that I needed to pray for the church leaders so they could see the error in their ways, but sadly that prayer was left unanswered. I however maintained my faith confident that God would look after me and my family, even with dads cancer I thanked God that he let dad continue to live.
However after the death of my grandfather and several close friends, I began to see things that made me question the very faith I had had all my life. You see I was always of the belief that no matter what, that a church would accept people, and help them through the troubles of their life. What I saw was anything but that. These were people who thought because they went to church on Sundays that they could act as they pleased. These were people who used their position to influence and in some cases destroy businesses in the town. I saw the sheer hypocrisy of it all.
The final straw came just before my breakdown. I sought help from the church, help to keep me from doing something stupid. They closed the door in my face. By this time the rumors I was gay was rife and I was told "If you choose that lifestyle your not welcome in this church any more".
The rest is history of course. I have investigated other religions over the past 6 or 7 years. Organized religion is difficult and I feel as though I am a round peg in a square hole. The only religion that I like is Buddhism, with its focus on self improvement. I am very apprehensive of a boots and all approach.
Do I believe that there is a god, a heaven and a hell, I do, but how do you engage with a god when its representatives want nothing to do with you. My beef is with the church not god. For now I am happy with my toe in the watter with Buddhism, things I have learned from them have helped me massively with my illness. The teachings though sometimes cryptic, leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling.
Now some of you are going to say, "your going to hell for your choices", but who's hell am I going to. I know what hell is my personal hell I lived for 4 of the last 6 years. Does hell vary dependent on what religion or version of a religion you believe in ?
I hope that no matter what religion I believe in that when the time comes I will be judged on the merit of the behaviors and things I have done during my life, not on how often I put money in the collection plate. To me belief is something that others have, I like Sharon do envy the security that that brings. But I cannot stand hypocrisy, it should not matter who a person is or what a person does, the doors should always be open to the needy no matter what an individuals opinion is. After all the relationship is between you and god not you and the church.
I to have issues with faith, in my younger days I was a strong believer in God and his church, I believed in the teachings and how to apply it to your daily life. But things changed. I changed. It all started when I was about 16. My close friends father committed suicide. I thought or assumed that the local church and its leaders would be there for the family. They weren't. They abandoned my friend and his family when they needed him the most.
I remember thinking at the time, that I needed to pray for the church leaders so they could see the error in their ways, but sadly that prayer was left unanswered. I however maintained my faith confident that God would look after me and my family, even with dads cancer I thanked God that he let dad continue to live.
However after the death of my grandfather and several close friends, I began to see things that made me question the very faith I had had all my life. You see I was always of the belief that no matter what, that a church would accept people, and help them through the troubles of their life. What I saw was anything but that. These were people who thought because they went to church on Sundays that they could act as they pleased. These were people who used their position to influence and in some cases destroy businesses in the town. I saw the sheer hypocrisy of it all.
The final straw came just before my breakdown. I sought help from the church, help to keep me from doing something stupid. They closed the door in my face. By this time the rumors I was gay was rife and I was told "If you choose that lifestyle your not welcome in this church any more".
The rest is history of course. I have investigated other religions over the past 6 or 7 years. Organized religion is difficult and I feel as though I am a round peg in a square hole. The only religion that I like is Buddhism, with its focus on self improvement. I am very apprehensive of a boots and all approach.
Do I believe that there is a god, a heaven and a hell, I do, but how do you engage with a god when its representatives want nothing to do with you. My beef is with the church not god. For now I am happy with my toe in the watter with Buddhism, things I have learned from them have helped me massively with my illness. The teachings though sometimes cryptic, leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling.
Now some of you are going to say, "your going to hell for your choices", but who's hell am I going to. I know what hell is my personal hell I lived for 4 of the last 6 years. Does hell vary dependent on what religion or version of a religion you believe in ?
I hope that no matter what religion I believe in that when the time comes I will be judged on the merit of the behaviors and things I have done during my life, not on how often I put money in the collection plate. To me belief is something that others have, I like Sharon do envy the security that that brings. But I cannot stand hypocrisy, it should not matter who a person is or what a person does, the doors should always be open to the needy no matter what an individuals opinion is. After all the relationship is between you and god not you and the church.
It does make you think doesn't it. So sad that when you asked for help they were not there. I went to Sunday school as a kid and I always thought that Jesus would be ashamed at the way some people choose to appear as 'good Christians.
ReplyDeleteFunnily enough I was getting my American teen drama fix watching One Tree Hill (I KNOW) when one of the characters said 'People say hell is endless. They say it's our worst nightmare, the face of our darkness. But whatever it is, however it is, I say hell is empty, and all the devils are here.' Makes sense to me.
Interesting take on things. Every religion has its version of hell, some see punishment some see a place of never ending suffering. We have both places here on earth. Arguably what was happening in the Congo could be argued as hell. Me I lived my own version of hell for 4 years. I was unwell hallucinating and at times completely withdrawn from society. Living within my own head, and unable to get out. The worst were the night terrors. Stuck in a nightmare and unable to wake up. Happened so many times. I would then fall apart, the depression and pain that followed crippled me.
DeleteSo when I am asked if I am afraid of hell my answer is no. Because I have already lived it. Its funny even the worst punishment they could hand out would have nothing on those night terrors.
I know I am supposed to forgive those who do wrong by me, but I find that hard to do, especially when some of these people wont show any respect for what I have lived through.
Thanks for replying to this its much appreciated