So the Cycle continues
Hey all; well the cycle continues im crashing and fairly hard at that. Physically unwell I caught a stomach bug over christmas and my usuall complaints left me on 4 lots of anti biotics this past week.
Im over tired, I am stressed and I have been having thoughts of suicide once again. Been to the point of planning in my head how I will end it. What I will leave behind and ultimately what I believe will happen to my body and my soul once I die.
It cant be right to be punished this way, I have paid more for my mistakes than any man on earth I am sure. Tonight I am sitting here sleep not coming like it should. I have taken the normal med supply will delve into the extra's shortly.
So why do I say its a cycle. Every year since my breakdown I come off a kind of manic high and collapse into a depressed state. No its worse than that I fall into a place where I no longer care if I wake up tomorrow or not. Where I no longer care what people think of me the wonderful but hollow compliments. I cant allow myself to think anything because when I do the end result is suicide and sometimes who I want to take with me.
None of what I said above is nice, none of it accurately coveys what it feels like to be at this place this nexus of no emotion and complete detachment from reality, I have been here before many times, but that doesnt make it easier, it just reminds me of whats ahead and right now that is to much for my brain to cope with. This waking up each day feeling like you missed the end of the world.
I have lived here nearly a year a year on my own but I still don't know where I am when I open my eyes and often spend the first 45 mins creeping around not to wake anyone up. Which is stupid since Im the only one who lives here. I forget things I have done, and think I have done things I haven't. Im a mess and right now its more than I can cope with.
I have spoken to professional help 4 times today, they are not much help and im to screwed up to go to temple would probably have a car crash.
This time around its a little different, my anger with certain people is coming through and I want to hurt them, I want them to feel the hurt they created me. I want to tell certain people exactly what I think of them as I choke them. This is kinda new normally I internalize my hate but I wonder what it would feel like if I followed through. Im not likely to so no need to send the thought police after me,.
You see talking no longer matters, its just words, my future is screwed my life is screwed, the punishment never ends and it doesnt get better from here just worse. So someone anyone explain to me 3 good reasons I should stay. Let me rule out a couple.. (1) Family, its a complete waste of time, (2) my new partner, he is more likely to die by his own hand than me (3) Friends, Friends come and go and as such my departure wont mean much. So go on I fucken dare you, I want you the people who have read my blog again and again to get help. I dare you write me some great reasons as to why I should bother staying alive long enough to see the dawn. After all Im not afraid of death but this pain has to end.
I hope someone screams for me tonight, because right now im in the dark alone and losing the fight.
Im over tired, I am stressed and I have been having thoughts of suicide once again. Been to the point of planning in my head how I will end it. What I will leave behind and ultimately what I believe will happen to my body and my soul once I die.
It cant be right to be punished this way, I have paid more for my mistakes than any man on earth I am sure. Tonight I am sitting here sleep not coming like it should. I have taken the normal med supply will delve into the extra's shortly.
So why do I say its a cycle. Every year since my breakdown I come off a kind of manic high and collapse into a depressed state. No its worse than that I fall into a place where I no longer care if I wake up tomorrow or not. Where I no longer care what people think of me the wonderful but hollow compliments. I cant allow myself to think anything because when I do the end result is suicide and sometimes who I want to take with me.
None of what I said above is nice, none of it accurately coveys what it feels like to be at this place this nexus of no emotion and complete detachment from reality, I have been here before many times, but that doesnt make it easier, it just reminds me of whats ahead and right now that is to much for my brain to cope with. This waking up each day feeling like you missed the end of the world.
I have lived here nearly a year a year on my own but I still don't know where I am when I open my eyes and often spend the first 45 mins creeping around not to wake anyone up. Which is stupid since Im the only one who lives here. I forget things I have done, and think I have done things I haven't. Im a mess and right now its more than I can cope with.
I have spoken to professional help 4 times today, they are not much help and im to screwed up to go to temple would probably have a car crash.
This time around its a little different, my anger with certain people is coming through and I want to hurt them, I want them to feel the hurt they created me. I want to tell certain people exactly what I think of them as I choke them. This is kinda new normally I internalize my hate but I wonder what it would feel like if I followed through. Im not likely to so no need to send the thought police after me,.
You see talking no longer matters, its just words, my future is screwed my life is screwed, the punishment never ends and it doesnt get better from here just worse. So someone anyone explain to me 3 good reasons I should stay. Let me rule out a couple.. (1) Family, its a complete waste of time, (2) my new partner, he is more likely to die by his own hand than me (3) Friends, Friends come and go and as such my departure wont mean much. So go on I fucken dare you, I want you the people who have read my blog again and again to get help. I dare you write me some great reasons as to why I should bother staying alive long enough to see the dawn. After all Im not afraid of death but this pain has to end.
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