The Beauty of decay

Hi all, i know its been a couple weeks since I last posted.  But have found it hard to put into words what I have been feeling and how my outlook is changing.

I think I might have mentioned a few times here that I find decaying things beautify, particularly buildings and factories.  There are so many great photos out there.  For a while now I have been wondering why I was so fascinated.

I have come to the following conclusions.  Firstly a decayed building is no longer fit for what it was intended.  Its broken.  Yet through this decay it remains in tact but in a different way.  In most cases some work would bring them back to working condition.  The beauty lays not in what was, but in what is.  A place with no future just slow and painful destruction by mother nature.

This I identify with because my temple my mind is in a state of decay.  No longer what it was, unable to work the way it was intended.  Yet I still have it.  I am learning to deal with this fact but its not an easy thing to do.  I wish most days that this had never happened to me.  But like the old buildings my fate was outside my own control.  Now today I am beautiful but for other reasons.

Me like those buildings are getting gradually worse over time.  I had my diagnosis upgraded because mentally I am slowly but surely getting worse.  People around me are now for the first time ever able to directly see the illness.  The Hallucinations both auditory and visual and now affecting my every day.  I have been psychotic on and off for over 3 months now.  My long term diagnosis is not great, neither is it anything that I haven't expected.  The meds have definitely slowed its progress.

So what does this mean.  It means sadly more reliance on others, and helping them cope with what I am becoming.  My partner was close to distraught during one of my hallucinations, but he saved me again.  I just wonder how long he will stay around when I cant really help him financially.  I do my best but it does not go far.

Is there beauty in my own decay?  I think there is, I think the beauty is more obvious now than at any other time in my life.  In being congruent in my actions and thoughts I am showing people a side of me that has remained hidden for a very long time.  I am in the situation where I cant hide whats going on in my head.  I cant just wish it away or ignore it like I have so many times.  There is beauty in the fact that even at my weakest point I show a inner strength to keep the fight.  Its not always easy and at times I don't want to any more.

This has changed me in so many ways, and the more I explore the changes the more I understand me, and therefore the decay that I am now showing.  Although I am no longer able to be what I was, I have found me becoming something that is useful in other ways.

In the end my fate I am well aware of, and barring any major breakthroughs it will happen at some point.  I have not lost me as I once thought.  I have simply become something different, something with its own beauty, even though I am not what I once was.  My self worth is based on me not others, and I hope that others can see that in me also.

Decay in its own way is beautiful exposing the bare bones of something, for me that is my inner thoughts and the way I want to exist in this world.  The illness shows me in more than any other way exactly what I am, and for that I am grateful.

Decay = Beauty 


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

How do Dragons Die

Will his effect die with him?