The Old Tin Shed

A Merry Christmas to you all.  Another year is coming to a close and I want to thank each and every one of you who have taken the time to read my blog. Its been a tough year and a tough existance all round but the world moves on and so must I. Please all be safe, if you must travel please please take it easy, and take the time to enjoy your family and friends after all thats really what its all about Horse

One of the biggest things I deal with daily is paranoia.  Now its not the tin foil hat type the governments watching me.  I know that bits true thanks to Mr Snowden and co.  Its about how I interpret things.  An example of something simple.  Was at the supermarket tonight, I always try and go through the same girl, I find her pleasant and she has always got a friendly smile.  I will often wait a little longer so I can go through her register.  Well tonight as I was walking up she closed her register.  Now a normal person would see that as something simple like she is going on a break or going home.  But to my paranoid mind, its part of a pattern.  A pattern of people not wanting to be around me.  So next thing I am checking my phone to see when last people called me. It escalates from there to sending those I havent heard from this week a text message, trying to find out if I had done something wrong. One thing sets of anoth...

I have just come in from watching the documentary series Coast.  The current series is about Australia, and they just had an episode of my favorite part of the country. Now I know it is normal to look at ones own country with pride we all do it.  But I think somehow Australia is different an environment baked in the hot southern sun for a million years.  Its an Island a Country and a Continent, that in itself is unique.  I am lucky I have seen great swathes of this country I have been to its dead heart, and to its western and eastern borders.  I have seen the sky touch the horizon and so many stars it would take a life time to count them all.  Its remote and increadibly beautiful, and at the same time modern and complex.  Australia my home is an amazing place. I have been into the heart of this country a few times now, and one thing that always strikes me is how timeless it all is.  If I was to die out there even a monument to my passing w...

Hi all, warning this may end up long.   Then again that seems to be theme with me of late.  I was trolling through my past posts and noticed with great pride that my most popular posts were about my struggle with mental illness.   It seems that others have been reading and in the end that is exactly why I bear my soul here. http://theoldtinshed.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/to-see-into-darkness.html  Above is one of my favorite posts and, has been read a lot by others.  Some of the themes in there I wanted to elaborate on today.  You see the darkness I talk about is not a quantitative thing.  To others it would be a nice place.  But to me its a place that scares me, where the insecurities and evil intent live. Its never a nice place to go or to see.  I have stared at myself in the mirror and what I saw churning beneath the blue eyes really scares me.  If I let it run, if I gave in the fight the outcome for me would not be goo...

Sorry to all I have been a little lapsed in my posting, I seem to go through these periods, but that doesn't mean that I have forgotten about you all.  I was actually sitting down to write this about a week ago, but as life does it got in the way. Well we are in the lead up to Christmas, with it being exactly 1 month away now.  Once again my thoughts turn to buying presents for those that mean the most to me.  Its been a long year in a lot of ways, for me it has been hard.  My illness took a very big turn for the worse in the first half of the last year, and I still haven't returned to the place I was before that.  Such is the nature of the illness, so now I cope using the skills I have learned over the last nearly ten years and work for a solution that will keep me safe for another day. Sleep is still a key factor in my ability to cope with everything, and I have found that I am coping better thanks to a new more rigid time frame for sleep. ...

Today marked the end of WWI some 95 years ago.  Our Honored dead are not forgotten, we all in our own way stop for a moment today to take breath and give tribute to the fortitude and sacrifice of these men. They went to war when the world was ruled by empires, and beating the enemy wasn't about taking ground but to run them out of men.  A true meat grinder was the western front, with mud blood and disease.  Against all that is natural in man they went over the top into blinding machine gun fire to face certain death, something that I couldn't even imagine. Although the world has seen the passing of the last veteran their sacrifice means more today than ever, they fought for what was right, and in the end they changed the world forever. I wonder though if at times we forget the free world the lived in, the freedom of travel and ideas, but I transgress.  Today celebrated the 20th anniversary of the re-internment of the unknown soldier at the national war memori...

Hey all, I know recently I have been sounding more militant than usual.  I think because I feel like the system isn't working even for me.  I have had a gut full of my school, I am so over it I am contemplating withdrawing for good on Monday.  I have such a sour taste in the mouth from last semester and although I have tried to convince myself its not that bad.  It actually is. To top this off, I have been working with a customer towards a couple of solutions for them that they might be able to take, to be told point blank I was too expensive last week.  Yet I know that I am a good $6k a year cheaper than what they had. So I feel nothing wants to go my way that I am going to be forever stuck on this ride.  I have had some thoughts about the business and the backup and going to see if I cant re-start the advertising and use web with some local based stuff to give a better kick off but I am unsure of if I can even afford to do that right now. Im at a cr...

I havent posted in a couple of days to be honest my mind has been working on a long term project that looks like will see payment and ongoing contracts later in the month. However I am as militant as ever when it comes to same sex marriage, Recently getup australia made a short advertisment from funding from its members (yours truly included).  Its time now lets get this shit sorted.. Hope you enjoy

I know this is a topic I covered last year, but my thoughts about adoption continue to change over time as I learn more about my own and others experiences. You see adoption is seen as a nice clean solution for both the child the child's mother and family and the family that adopts the child.  But its not that simple. Firstly overseas adoption from poor countries.  This has me all worked up, why should we in the west or even the wealthy east have the right to buy a child.  Our wealth gives undue influence to a poor woman or family about giving up a child.  Like harvesting body parts from the poor of India to be used in the West.  I find this difficult to swallow.  I know right now I am about to get howled down by all those childless families about how desperately they want a child.  Here in lies another major problem.  Because these families so badly want children they raise them up onto a pedestal that the child cannot possibly be.  Th...

This is more and observation about modern life than anything else.  Primarily that we have become so interconnected with the world around us. When I was a kid and at school the total sum on knowledge available to me was what was in the local and school library and the city and local papers.  Today kids have access to entire online libraries with millions of titles.  Not only that they have ready access to information found in general web searches, some subjects having literally thousands of sources. But I don't think it has made us any smarter.  In fact I think it has done away with the need to remember since the information is always at our fingertips.  We have become lazy even with our spelling.  The web and instant messaging has made us shorten words, use symbols and then we have spell and grammar checkers to make sure that we get it right.  We don't even have to think in a logical order when writing any more because we can cut and paste parag...

I think the answer to that question lies within each of us.  We live in a world where the ability to be informed is easy, the ability to find the truth however is harder.  News agencies around the globe need huge amounts of news to fill air time column space, and to make money on advertising.  So they sensationalize events make them out to be all large all encompassing. They trade on our fear and we let them. Before I go much further I want to say that the next couple of paragraphs are in no way intended to tarnish the memory of our soldiers or those lives suddenly taken by an act of terror. According the Wikipedia 2,996 people died as a result of the attacks on September 11.2001.  In the same year the total deaths by motor vehicle accident in the USA was 42,196, Total number of murders in the same year in the USA 15,980 (source www.FBI.gov, Death by heart disease usa 2010, 597,689 (Source www.cdc.gov) The above are real numbers, based on government reports an...

Its been a tough couple of weeks for me, a lot of things that I don't want to discuss here have had me tied up in knots. In the end it will all be over by the weekend and will allow this end of the world to return to some form of normality.  Im heading to be early tonight with the goal tomorrow of actually cleaning my office and sorting out clothes that fit and those that don't.  5 more sleeps and normality returns to my life for a while.  In the end I know everyone has bad days I just seem to have more than most.  I think I due to the psych later in the week and man are we going to have an interesting discussion. I find people are so cruel to me.  They say all the right words about understanding mental illness but when it comes down to it they don't.  Words like suck it up, get more treatment I got better why cant you yous just lazy.  What pisses me off no end is 9 times out of 10 these are people who think having situational depression is the s...

For all to know I left Facebook today and will never return.  I have tried twice now and today I was openly attacked by someone a couple of weeks ago I would have considered a friend.  Tonight she tells me that I don't have my illness under control and that I don't get any help for it and that she was able to overcome her depression so my schizophrenia should be easy. You know what normally I would go yeah and agree and think inside what a fucking dickhead but today I couldnt this woman wants to work in mental health and she thinks schitzo is fixable... Fuck me talk about dumb no wonder I stick as far away from mental health nurses as possible they are all fucked up. Anyway it has all set a lot of things in motion, I think I will move out of here, my partner and I are further apart now than at any time in our past and he seems more interested in other things than me.  The girl in question tonight did not deny that she wants my partner has the husband for her single c...

Again we find ourselves at the doorstep of history.  Decisions we make now will forever shape the humanity of planet earth.  We need to say there is no price we are willing to pay, no price is to high to protect freedom. There should be no government to strong or so right that it no longer listens to the will of the people.  We the people are more informed, more educated and unfortunately more afraid than any other generation in history.  The total wealth of human knowledge doubles nearly every decade, but the rule of dictators and despots remain. We are responsible we hold a moral responsibility to defend freedom no matter the cost in lives materials and men.  We need to be able to stand with our heads held high and talk about sacrifice and duty and how both bring about a better world for mankind.  We stand on the precipice of a new epoch. an Asian century where the poorest peoples in the world move towards and standard of living that not only ...

Have been playing around with some images and making A3 posters for my wall, thought I would share a couple with you.  Its best to click and full size these... blogger does not like it when I make them extra large it does not fit on the template properly   Part of Charlie Chaplin s Speech in the movie The Dictator

Have been hanging on to these video's for quite a while now.  Its in summary about how I feel about the world and my place in it.  There are some incredibly inspirational speeches below, if you have the time they are worth a listen An amazing speech, I wonder if in the real world these days anyone would have the balls to stand up and say the same thing for real.  Because I think its those things he talks about that have us lost on our way. An old speech before mobile phones before drones, and before the internet, yet truer now than any other time in history.  An amazing speech, Another truely amazing speach, I think it tells us a lot about ourselves and our destiny in the world.  He has gone down as one of the greatest leaders of all time and its brilliance like this speach that made it that way.  I will however quote the following; " You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of m...

You know sometimes it doesnt matter how many DVD's you have, how many digital movies on the NAS or how many hundreds of TV chanels, there is just nothing worth watching. Hence my delima today.  I just sat here and watch the first 5 minutes of 4 different films.  I could study I suppose but not in the mood for that.  Was thinking about washing the car shortly that should give me something to do in the immediate future. Not sure why I am like that today.  I could realistically replace the rear brakes on my car but again that would require effort.  What I really feel like doing is going to Supercheap Auto and having a look around, been a while since I have done that. But its now to late in the day for that.  Will make a dinner shake shortly I suppose and sit a dumb out to Cops since I have every episode ever made. I find I tend to get like this a bit when dieting, you see normally I would stuff myself with something while watching TV or a movie now I don...

Well if you have been living under a rock you wouldn't know that Tony Abbot and the LNP won today's federal election.  Pretty much as far as gay rights and technology go, this is the end of the road for at least a decade. I'm not surprised about the win but disappointing that people couldn't see they were asking for issues.  Anyway the thought of being somewhere other than this country cross my mind again. Disappointing and feel sorry for Kevin Rudd he was given a basket case and not enough time to fix it

Hi all, i know its been a couple weeks since I last posted.  But have found it hard to put into words what I have been feeling and how my outlook is changing. I think I might have mentioned a few times here that I find decaying things beautify, particularly buildings and factories.  There are so many great photos out there.  For a while now I have been wondering why I was so fascinated. I have come to the following conclusions.  Firstly a decayed building is no longer fit for what it was intended.  Its broken.  Yet through this decay it remains in tact but in a different way.  In most cases some work would bring them back to working condition.  The beauty lays not in what was, but in what is.  A place with no future just slow and painful destruction by mother nature. This I identify with because my temple my mind is in a state of decay.  No longer what it was, unable to work the way it was intended.  Yet I still have it. ...

Well you all saw my huge swipe at Eonon and the quality of their service and equipment.  I think I remember in an earlier post saying I was 100% happy with the sound in the car and the way it balanced. Well F**k me dead, I installed a single din JVC unit that we purchased a little while ago.  It blew my socks off the sound was awesome to a point I took a quick video for you all.  Ohh and no picking on the music it was to adjust the sound with :) Sorry about the sound quality was only taken using the phone, im rather excited its all in and working well.  I have to take it a little easy on the speakers, although the amps wont push them to breaking point this will be the first real run in with clear signal.  I did push it till nearly max earlier and it was breath taking the kick of those rears in the seat is an experience for sure.  Next.... Lets que up some Metallica :) Horse

Been to the doctors this morning for my 5th lot of anti biotics this year, have bad Laryngitis this time been warned not to use my voice to much.. Ohh well just proves if I was born early last century I wouldnt be here lol Stay safe Horse

I like most people have been watching the going on in Syria with great unease.  For me its not so much the civil war but the way the Syrian people are being played like pieces on a chess board by the rest of the world. Russia has blood on its hands.  It kept making noises about brokering peace but in reality all they did was sell the Syrian army more complex and expensive weapons.  China is in exactly the same boat, all noise no work.  To be honest both country's should hang their heads in shame.  But they won't they will continue these stupid little games so they can sell more military Tech. We in the west have been hamstrung, we don't want yet another war where our boys are put in the front lines.  NATO has been deployed continuously for over a decade.  In the UN Russia and China use their veto's to override any attempts to help the situation inside Syria.  Turkey has jets on standby and artillery along the border.  Syria have shelled I...

Well where to damn well start. For my 40th you all know that I installed a fairly decent stereo upgrade for my car.  In all the install went well till we found that I had a dead RCA out on the back of the unit.  Now not much I could have done to cause the issue, it was a DOA.   Now Eonon the manufacturer offered to repair the unit if I paid $20.00 to return the unit.  I initially agreed. However later that same week Eonon released the M1 head unit.  I was interested in it and since my head unit was DOA I asked if for a fee I could upgrade. That was 8 weeks ago, and until today I have had nothing back.  They was $87.00 in postage, they are taking 25% depreciation off my head unit which they will keep.  So in all I am out of pocket $534.00 including the loss of my original head unit.  A brand new M1 including shipping is only $414.00. So if I took the original offer and paid $20.00 to return the original head unit for repair then spent the $...

Have spent the day in the city with my partner so below is a link to the photos from today and a pic of me.. The link below is to my web ablum from the trip: https://plus.google.com/photos/117823579947142345327/albums/5911157160172727745?authkey=CPj7mKvxjNbVPA I see the world in pieces, sometimes those pieces are something amazing.  I will post  a couple below so you dont have to troll the picasa directory Neon Gothic Church ANN St city I call this the sekeleton of Man.  The Ribbed cage of the Story Bridge Its me people, I dont like photos of me to much to remind people of what I look like so enjoy Brisbane has been good to me this time, im mentally in a lot of different spots right now but you know I know one thing for sure and that is I am more inlove now than I have ever been

Yeah well im down in Brisbane again for school, and after a very frustrating 10 weeks all in our class finally got clarification on what we were supposed to be learning.  In all again a worthwhile trip but the financial cost is becoming significant thank god im not back her for another 2 months. I have been very introspective this evening, about me and my place in the world.  But more importantly how by doing this study that I become something far more than just me.  The power of counselling and of any psychological science is to enable the individual concerned.  Whether that be by helping them through blockages in their own psychological makeup or helping them by providing services like emergency housing.  In short you get to make a difference. So why should I be introspective?  That is complicated, but in short because I now realize that everyone who has been part of my treatment over the past 8 years has had a passion about service delivery.  Ea...

Today's title was a comment made about how we live our lives on an online forum.  The thread was about what keep people going when they are at the bottom, not the meds not the treatment, but the little things that keep you safe. I hadn't commented till yesterday even though the thread has been active since Feb.  But it reminded me of the little things that keep me going.  My life for the past month has not been easy, I have been studying and getting ready for full time work.  On Tuesday I head south to Brisbane for the 3rd time this year, and to be honest I am anxious about any trip. I can feel myself cycling and believe it or not I am on my way down.  I have been sad a lot in the last couple months, even the me time I have been taking is not enough.  I have lots to be thankful for, I have a great partner, and an ability to help support myself.   But I feel as though I am coming up short.  No matter what I do it will never give me back what ...

Hi all; As you know I have written about Linux Mint a couple of times now, I have found it amazing and so windows like without all the windows issues. There have however been a couple of issues that have had me dual booting.  The not least of which is the fact that I need MS office for school.  Now the free word processor that comes with mint is great for basic stuff, but if you want the whole hog you really cant get away from MS office. I have several times over the last year tried without success to install MS office into mint both using wine and VirtualBox without much success.  Well that changed tonight. I needed Office for a major assignment I have due and I am sick of booting and rebooting to get stuff, I tried again with VirtualBox with no joy.  Then I found this link http://forums.linuxmint.com/viewtopic.php?t=79912&f=42 Now I know its not all done in a gui and needs some commands at terminal but it works.  If your unsure on using termina...

I have spoken many many times on this blog about my spiritual journey and I have spoken about my early life within a church that at the time, would have kicked me out.  I have spoken about the more recent incident where I was banned from attending services because I was gay. Then just now I found this http://www.news.com.au/world-news/pope-francis-says-he-wont-judge-priests-for-being-gay-as-he-returns-from-brazil/story-fndir2ev-1226687806050 http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-07-29/pope-francis-says-it-is-not-his-place-to-judge-homosexuals/4851802?section=australianetworknews Are we seeing a monumental change in church doctrine.  Is this the beginning of the renewal ?  Im sitting here in tears, I cant believe what has been said.  my favorite line in all of this is And when someone sins and confesses, he said, God not only forgives but forgets. "We don't have the right to not forget," he said. I have waited half a life time to hear those words.  Now h...

Yeah that's right when does it happen?  When does the world full of conman and thieves give up their trade and leave the rest of us alone.  When do the people in my life leave me alone and not demand things of my I could not possibly supply. In the end it will be me laying on the bed lifeless taken the pills that were needed to get me there. Its no ones fault just my own for ever thinking I could reach outside my safety dome,  Really dumb and stupid thing to do considering my current level of existence.. death whispers in my ear that it can come take all of this away. tonight he wins that game night all Edit:   It was another bad night, been having way to many of them as of late, all brought on by stress.  I just want out of this existence (not a life) that I am enduring again.  Im not happy at all, not even remotely so.   I just want away somewhere where I can start again, I have so many reasons to be happy but none of them are my reaso...