The Old Tin Shed

Hi; You know I have had a lot of work this past month, and I am paying the price as they say, my mental condition was aggravated, by the long hours of stress.  But I think it has been worth it.  I have managed to invoice over $3K this month my biggest month in 5 years, and next month will be bigger. I face some challenges ahead though, the next step is a complete network redesign for the client and I have been working hard to get that under control, its worth some good coin to me, and even better a good ongoing income doing the support. To top this off, have been asked to do other works by other new customers so things might finally be paying off for me.  The question still remains as to if I can sustain the stress that comes with it. Away from work, I have found a new way to wake up in the morning, I stumble down stairs turn the kettle on and make a hot cup of earl gray tea with milk and sugar.  I then come upstairs open the curtains and watch Castle hill as...

Hey all, Yes don't all faint and fall over two posts close together.  You see I have felt the need to start writing again, im able to put my thoughts and actions into words.  Words are interesting things, they convey emotions intent, and allows us to communicate knowledge and disinformation. They have the power to build and to create destruction on a scale that effects all humanity. In my world, I use words to convey meaning and I try not to use them as weapons.  Although that is made impossible at times by others actions.  Case in point was today my ex was handed his car back after 12 weeks at the repairer.  To say they job was shit would be the understatement.  My ex stormed off and left me to argue the point.  Which I did very very well at.  But it made me take stock of how others actions can make or break a day. The assessor who was quite happy with the finish on the car failed to understand that the car was a European and made and b...

Hi all, i know its been a couple weeks since I last posted.  But have found it hard to put into words what I have been feeling and how my outlook is changing. I think I might have mentioned a few times here that I find decaying things beautify, particularly buildings and factories.  There are so many great photos out there.  For a while now I have been wondering why I was so fascinated. I have come to the following conclusions.  Firstly a decayed building is no longer fit for what it was intended.  Its broken.  Yet through this decay it remains in tact but in a different way.  In most cases some work would bring them back to working condition.  The beauty lays not in what was, but in what is.  A place with no future just slow and painful destruction by mother nature. This I identify with because my temple my mind is in a state of decay.  No longer what it was, unable to work the way it was intended.  Yet I still have it. ...

Well today is a day that I have both dreaded and wished for.  Contradiction no.  I have wished for better medication, but dread what it means.  You see I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that I would do everything in my power to get better, to become some kind of "normal".  I hate that word, because no one is normal, yet it fits what I am trying to say. Part of this journey I have undertaken is a constant change of medications.  Its been a hard road many days to sick to even be awake. But my life and my ability to live have benefited greatly for it.  Yes there have been some steps back, but that is to be expected. Not every drug is going to work for me, such is the state of psychiatric drug therapy. So tonight I stand on the precipice again. I am willing taking a risk with my life, I am going to make myself unwell in the hope that a new medication will make my life better again.  Its a hard choice, at my doctors today we went ove...

Hey all this is rather long and talks about what has been going on with me on a mental health note most the week Earlier this week I fell into one of the biggest mental holes I have been in in years. I was travelling along nicely, dealing with the stress of the car off the road, and other relationship and family issues that were going on in my life.  Then suddenly late on Tuesday afternoon I diagnosed the problem with the car. It turned out to be a faulty alternator (more on this later).  I felt great, I had worked hard an consistently to reach that point, I had effectively used my resources at hand, and in the process probably saved myself thousands of dollars getting the car repaired at the dealers. There was a huge release of pressure and underlying stress.  As per usual, it made me feel pretty good about myself.  That I had proved that I could deal with high levels of stress and that I had gotten a lot better with my illness. Well...

Today is a classic example of how unstable I can be at times.  I went to bed early last night (around 11.00pm), with the intention of having a full day of work today.  So the sleep went ok, and I got a lot of research done that I wanted to do.  Was hoping to study today.  But I came to the reality a couple of hours ago, I am never going to finish the study that, no matter how much I ideally want to do it, its just not going to happen. Now I start paying off the debt I have incurred in the idea of studying.  Thing is when I do the work I get High Distinction marks all the way through.  I'm quite good at it.  But I cant be consistent enough to do it.  Not with other things distracting me for my attention.  And the days I can barely function on my own let alone try and take information in. Its this type of destruction that has seen me fail at almost everything I have attempted to do since I was diagnosed. ...

Nothing cryptic about this posts heading.  I take this type of medication from time to time, and have found it to be extremely useful.  I have posted before about Xanax, which is the branded name of the medication.  I call it my jagged little pill. There is no doubt it helps me, it pulls me back from the frantic panic, and anxiety that, sometimes enters my life.  It restores order and peace to my mind, I feel while under its grip that I can cope that I can deal with the things that led me to take them.  Its a trick, a chemical trick that works well with me.  I only use them sparingly as resistance to the medication comes around easily. So why the Jagged pill.  One of this medications side effects is memory loss.  Its good in some ways bad in others.  An example today would have been I swore my partner had been home, but that was not the case I simply did not remember the way things were laid out. The good side of the memory loss is t...

Whats started.  Not something important to others but to me its a major step forward.  It means mentally I have changed position yet again. That is really important in my longer term recovery and understanding of my own illness. So whats started.  I can listen to new music again.  Doesn't sound like much but it is.  Until recently new music made me tense and paranoid.  Then after all the stress of the last week changed me.  Now I crave new sounds new music.  It also has another meaning one that is extremely important to me, it means that I can now enjoy my gaming without having to give it up after 40 minutes. I am becoming the old me, the me that was ok that enjoyed to explore the world around him.  If I gain one more thing back, I will have recovered the parts of me that I wanted back.  That were taken away by the illness and medications.  I just need to be able to write short stories again.  I miss that creative ou...

Warning Heavy Rambling Post but please read The more and more I live with this illness I have begun to understand that you do some extraordinary things to just cope with the things that happen to you.  Some days its just enough to know that tomorrow wont be the same as today. Sunrise another reason to make it through the night To live each moment without having plans for the future.  A future that may never be.  I have spent days inside my own head unable to escape to be part of the world around me.  I have to prick myself to make me bleed so I can break away from the thoughts and the trap I set for myself.  I don't mean self harm I mean I may listen to music or even read something that I know will evoke a mental reaction.  Normally to make me cry. You say your insane why would you intentionally make yourself upset.  Because if I don't I cant break free of the mental stress, the fixation the devastation...

So, the theory goes like this.  Your traveling along in life, you have been getting gradually better and better wages and your lifestyle adjusts, the new house, the new car, the boat etc etc etc.  You borrow more because you have the ability to pay back more, ie 4 credit/store cards not one.  So you work to live so you can pay your bigger bills. So what happens when it all comes undone.  You lose your job, you fall ill, someone uses your credit and marks you for life. I have been there, I had all of the above and more, had a great business I had built, and one day my illness got the better of me and I lost everything.  Took a while but it did happen.  I was making a big salary had the cars and all the toys.  Went from that to nothing nearly overnight.  What I find interesting is even though the money wasn't there any more I continued to spend as though nothing had happened. I remember thinking I will get out of this, I will think of somethin...