The Old Tin Shed

I have had a huge couple of weeks readers, doing the dreaded house shift.  Per usual the agents are being dicks and causing me hassles but that's for another day after they get creamed in court. As most of you know im not especially well a lot of the time and stress makes me even worse. So I wanted to thank my special family and a close friend for all their help during this time.  And today especially to our close friend she stopped me from going into a full melt down.  Tomorrow is an off day for everyone and back to the fight on Monday. Hope we dont move again any time soon Horse

This is one of the hardest of all questions that we as humans can ask of ourselves.  Some people spend a life time in deep spiritual contemplation seeking the answer to this very question. Now not to take from those people but inside us all is the answer to that question.  Whether or not we like the answer is a different story.  nearly 15 years ago now I looked to see who I was and what I saw scared me, I attempted to make changes to change that person.  In hindsight it was a terrible time of my life to be doing it and it was a contributing factor to my breakdown. More recently I have looked again and seen someone completely different, this person is broken yes and at times wants his life to end.  But he is kinder, cares about others more than himself, and has finally found the thing he had hoped he would find.  A person who cares about the truth above everything else.  I don't suffer fools or liars well.  I accept people for who they are but ...

Hi all yes dont all die of shock, I have a second post in a row, yeah it has been a while and im not sure how long I will keep at it other to say that I am having fun. Well today is first day of a new med change.  Serequel a Drug that has served me well for a decade has come to the end of its usefullness for me.  I have developed type 2 Diabetes around its use.  It seems there is a corrolation to its use in high dose to this ailment.  Today is the third try to migrate from it to a drug called abilifi, a well used and well tested anti-psychotic. So last night I took my first pill and dropped the seroquel input by 300mg unfortunately it was not enough.  I was awake a wired most the night.  It did not help I have a server out of action the two stresses fed off each other.   So I have just had about an hour and 45 minutes of sleep feel lots better. So tonight I will drop 600mg of Seroquel and take the abilify I hope its enough and lets me sleep a...

I have been away for quite a while now, I haven't forgotten this place, but I needed to find some things out on my own without the crutch of this site.  I have made some very good posts here in the past and I am proud of the volume of work that I created. But I look back, and realise how much I enjoyed the act of writing.  Writing has been a great stabilising effect on me and my life ever since high school.  I write short stories in my spare time, and they have enabled me to explore thoughts whims and serious topics that are close to my own heart. Since we last spoke I have added some ink to my skin, despite what everyone who doesn't like tattoos I love what I have done.  I have never been normal, I am not normal and this is just a  way to make me not look like every other fat bald 40+ something year old.   Plus I have always wanted ink just could never make up my mind what I wanted.  I have 3 pieces I think each shows a side of my pe...

My blog of late has not been a nice place.  That goes with my life and everything in it.  Since I was hospitalized for 4 days I have not been the same mentally nor have I had the ability to get back to that point either. THey took away lithium because of the drug interations, now I have it back but it will be another week before I see it helping. So I am a sad confused old man, driving in the wrong direction to get to a store only to be told so by the pleasant girl where had all the boxed chips gone.  I know I was confused after that she helped me to the car.  Then I got angry at myself and came home.  Im angry about lots of things.  I lost my cigar cutter cigar and lighter all seperatly this week. havent found the cutter yet. I should be raving on about how annoyed I am with the world but right now the last thing I can do is concentrate on that.  I just want to be left alone.  I now offically have PTSD, well duhhh there is a surprise t...

The last couple of days have been hard, my lithium levels are now at .2 and falling kidney function is back to normal.  All good with one exception, I have blocked out what happened to me. I should be angry, I should want to scream from the roof tops, I was 12 hours from dying, but I don't.  I just feel numb.  Please don't get me wrong there is a tension inside, a boiling uncontrolled feeling.  It scares me, I need to bleed. I don't mean to physically cut myself, but to unsettle myself, make myself upset, to release the tension.  My psych is worried I may act out, I am strike out as a release.  Me im worried I will fly into a rage and seriously hurt someone.  Its possible with the past I carry with me.  Its almost like my mind is scared to deal with what has happened. I tried meditation but to no avail, but the tension is showing in my dreams, and ohh god they are shocking right now.  So numb it is but soon real soon I need to bleed I n...

Hello all; Its been a few days since my last post and time is marching on already into the new year.  It will be easter before we know it.  I noticed the supermarkets are selling eggs already.  But today's post is not to do with that its to deal with something that in the past week has caused me to get extremely pissed off with people close to me.  When I go to the trouble to say something at least give me the respect to listen.  3 times in 3 days I have had to repeat myself and something I said because someone hasn't listen the first time and then they try to blame me for the predicament they find themselves in.  I hate the inclination that I was somehow to blame because they did not listen to the advice I had given them.  Its annoying beyond belief and made me quite angry. I think I mentioned in a previous post that my Psychiatrist, is quite worried about the amount of anger I am carrying and the potential for someone to inadvertently push ...

Hi reader; Today isn't great, woke up this way.  Everything feels black even the sun.  I hear the dog's baying for my soul to devour it here in the blackness.  They want to take it all away to make me not exist, to make me a marked one. I have no defense against this, this overwhelming feeling,  I have no way of defending myself about the dark beasts that bay for my destruction.  Its dark hear and the pain unbearable, suicide has been on my mind since I rose.  But I don't think I have the guts to follow through. Makes me feel even more gutless and worthless than I already do. I hate what this does to me another part of me dies today, its worse than death by 1000 cuts. I wonder if I will ever leave this room even today, because right now the idea of going out scares me to death. Horse

Hi; You know I have had a lot of work this past month, and I am paying the price as they say, my mental condition was aggravated, by the long hours of stress.  But I think it has been worth it.  I have managed to invoice over $3K this month my biggest month in 5 years, and next month will be bigger. I face some challenges ahead though, the next step is a complete network redesign for the client and I have been working hard to get that under control, its worth some good coin to me, and even better a good ongoing income doing the support. To top this off, have been asked to do other works by other new customers so things might finally be paying off for me.  The question still remains as to if I can sustain the stress that comes with it. Away from work, I have found a new way to wake up in the morning, I stumble down stairs turn the kettle on and make a hot cup of earl gray tea with milk and sugar.  I then come upstairs open the curtains and watch Castle hill as...

Hey all; Sorry about the time between the last post and this one, but a lot has happened in my life not all of it fantastic but its happened anyway.  So lets get into the list. (1) My now ex and I split after 4 years, its been interesting to say the least, he has been immature in his actions and words.  I would like to stay friends but I see that as increasingly difficult to do.  I still have two computers out there which I hope to get next week all going well. The split was from both sides, we both saw it coming, just neither of us wanted to say it.  In the end it happened after he took the house key off my keys didnt tell me and left me locked out of the house in the heat.  I was coming down off the jagged pill so I let fly.  The straw that broke the camels back I suppose. As it sits we text every couple days, he has asked me to do things for him, and I have turned him down.  He is now seeing the true cost of me not being there.  I had t...

Well its been a few days since I posted.  A lot has happened to be recently and to be honest I havent had the mental energy to sit and tell you anything. My relationship with my partner of 5 years is over.  We had drifted apart, we are still friends and I hope it to remain that way.  There has not been an argument or a fight just a realization that we were no longer in love with each other.  For me he distance emotionally and lack of intimacy was in the end to much.  For him he felt I had gotten to needy on both those things.  So the impasse was not resolved. So its an ending, yet another one in my life but we will both be better off for it, and I can stop walking around on egg shells every time he comes home.  The reality of it all has started to hit home from his side this past couple days.  He is slowly getting shut out of my daily life, and he is finding that hard to deal with.  I have been out a lot these last weeks, partly because...

Hi, all not sure how this will come out but here goes. As mentioned I had a really bad incident a week or so ago now, and I am still paying the consequences for that.  I have developed a permanent tremor down my left side, and I haven’t eaten a full meal since.  Even a piece of toast comes back up. Spoke to my psychiatrist about it he thinks both are related to the meltdown.  You see no matter how well I manage the illness it can come back and bite me.  He says it is a testimate to me how well I have managed myself and my illness to go so long without this. I am still pulled apart, and im unsure how I go back together.  The truth of that night that morning is difficult to recant without showing a side of me that is painful.  But to do so I hope that I can help others cope with this. This all started out quite normally for me, the voices started mid afternoon and were in a particularly  bad mood with me, so around 7.00pm I took my normal meds an...

Its been an interesting day for me, I got my car back today and did some more work on it in preparation for the drive south. But I have had a strange day mentally.  Its like forgetfulness but not.  I would go to do something like get a drink and go to the pantry rather than the Fridge.  Its strange because once I do it I think well that was stupid and do it all over again. I even went for a lay down this afternoon, had a small sleep hoping it might fix it but it hasn’t.  Even typing this im all over the place with the letters.  Frustrating to say the least. Anyway, im sure after another 12 hours it will be all sorted again.  Amazing what a good night sleep will do

Its been a very stressful 24 hours and I am not joking on that front, more car related issues and only 4 days before I must take it on a 6000km journey.  Its called cutting it fine. But today’s post isn’t about that, its about Regrets.   You see as I have gotten older and had this illness longer things that I had forgotten are slowly creeping back.  At best I cringe at worst, im terrified of what I did.  You see out of control I could and would do just about anything. I wish somehow I could break from the shackles of these memories to erase them.  To take away the hurt I feel about them and the embarrassment I caused myself in the process.  Whoever said they could live their lives with no regrets is a far better person than me. Now I know a lot of what went on was my illness and not the real me, but it scares me that it happened at all.  I want to distance myself from them but at the same time I understand that they are part of ...

Hi reader; I intimated a few posts ago about the health issues I am now facing as I age, and the drugs start to wear on my body.  My weight doesnt help issues but considering the affects of the medications and the lack of motivation I have had I think I am doing pretty well.  On top of that so does the doctor he seems to think, that considering im doing fairly well. I am finally getting the major health issues caused by my sinus passages and nasal cavity seen to.  I have continual bad infections in those areas the material from that infection runs down my throat and causes very very bad infections in my throat.  In the past 12 months I have been on medication for the infection 9 times, all anti-biotic combinations of very very strong medications.  They make it go away for a week or so then its a downard spiral into being unwell and endless coughing. I was coughing so hard at one point that my stomach and rib muscles would cramp up.  I often cou...

As he heading suggests I wasn't going to write this.   I have been busy so busy in fact that I took today off, first time since last week of Nov I even worked Christmas day. I have neglected my needs and although I am happy to be doing something there is a real risk I will make myself unwell.  Given the complexity of the work I am not surprised that I have been the way I have, its been hard I did 12 hours straight yesterday to fix an issue.  But I fear that this is just the begining of my January spiral down. Every year around this time I crash and crash badly, firstly this time of the year is hard because I miss dad,I last saw him just 6 days from now, and I really wish at times I could have that moment again.  I yell at mum to grow up and get over him, yet I am struggling just as hard with his loss.  I want to be able to go through one christmas without feeling like someone took the best part of my heart away. So this year we are trying more lithi...

One of the biggest things I deal with daily is paranoia.  Now its not the tin foil hat type the governments watching me.  I know that bits true thanks to Mr Snowden and co.  Its about how I interpret things.  An example of something simple.  Was at the supermarket tonight, I always try and go through the same girl, I find her pleasant and she has always got a friendly smile.  I will often wait a little longer so I can go through her register.  Well tonight as I was walking up she closed her register.  Now a normal person would see that as something simple like she is going on a break or going home.  But to my paranoid mind, its part of a pattern.  A pattern of people not wanting to be around me.  So next thing I am checking my phone to see when last people called me. It escalates from there to sending those I havent heard from this week a text message, trying to find out if I had done something wrong. One thing sets of anoth...

Hi all, warning this may end up long.   Then again that seems to be theme with me of late.  I was trolling through my past posts and noticed with great pride that my most popular posts were about my struggle with mental illness.   It seems that others have been reading and in the end that is exactly why I bear my soul here. http://theoldtinshed.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/to-see-into-darkness.html  Above is one of my favorite posts and, has been read a lot by others.  Some of the themes in there I wanted to elaborate on today.  You see the darkness I talk about is not a quantitative thing.  To others it would be a nice place.  But to me its a place that scares me, where the insecurities and evil intent live. Its never a nice place to go or to see.  I have stared at myself in the mirror and what I saw churning beneath the blue eyes really scares me.  If I let it run, if I gave in the fight the outcome for me would not be goo...

Sorry to all I have been a little lapsed in my posting, I seem to go through these periods, but that doesn't mean that I have forgotten about you all.  I was actually sitting down to write this about a week ago, but as life does it got in the way. Well we are in the lead up to Christmas, with it being exactly 1 month away now.  Once again my thoughts turn to buying presents for those that mean the most to me.  Its been a long year in a lot of ways, for me it has been hard.  My illness took a very big turn for the worse in the first half of the last year, and I still haven't returned to the place I was before that.  Such is the nature of the illness, so now I cope using the skills I have learned over the last nearly ten years and work for a solution that will keep me safe for another day. Sleep is still a key factor in my ability to cope with everything, and I have found that I am coping better thanks to a new more rigid time frame for sleep. ...

Its been a tough couple of weeks for me, a lot of things that I don't want to discuss here have had me tied up in knots. In the end it will all be over by the weekend and will allow this end of the world to return to some form of normality.  Im heading to be early tonight with the goal tomorrow of actually cleaning my office and sorting out clothes that fit and those that don't.  5 more sleeps and normality returns to my life for a while.  In the end I know everyone has bad days I just seem to have more than most.  I think I due to the psych later in the week and man are we going to have an interesting discussion. I find people are so cruel to me.  They say all the right words about understanding mental illness but when it comes down to it they don't.  Words like suck it up, get more treatment I got better why cant you yous just lazy.  What pisses me off no end is 9 times out of 10 these are people who think having situational depression is the s...