The Old Tin Shed

This is one of the hardest of all questions that we as humans can ask of ourselves.  Some people spend a life time in deep spiritual contemplation seeking the answer to this very question. Now not to take from those people but inside us all is the answer to that question.  Whether or not we like the answer is a different story.  nearly 15 years ago now I looked to see who I was and what I saw scared me, I attempted to make changes to change that person.  In hindsight it was a terrible time of my life to be doing it and it was a contributing factor to my breakdown. More recently I have looked again and seen someone completely different, this person is broken yes and at times wants his life to end.  But he is kinder, cares about others more than himself, and has finally found the thing he had hoped he would find.  A person who cares about the truth above everything else.  I don't suffer fools or liars well.  I accept people for who they are but ...

Hi all; Over the last couple of months a huge Geo political change has been underway, china is exerting its new found place in the world and the USA is moving to block it.  How do we find ourselves at the eve of war and why do I think or believe that this may be the case. First lets talk about the reef's in question, the are atop potentially huge reserves of oil coal and gas that all neighboring countries want a part of.  China's claim to the south China sea is steeped in history, and the control of the waters has moved back and forwards between all of the countries bordering the region.  This is one of those situations where in normal circumstances diplomats would go back and forward and an non violent solution would be found, and although no country would be entirely happy a conflict would be avoided. But this is far from a normal circumstance.  The USA is strong and experienced after a decade of conflict not just that, we have advanced our weaponry on a ...

Lost my kitten today.  We moved hnouse over the last week and had kept the kittens inside until yesterday.  All went well they had a riot outside.  Let them out as I was heading out for doctors and the mechanics today thought nothing of it.   4 hours later I arrive home and my neighbors on the driveway side of the house called me over and introduced themselves and then gave me some horrible news.  That beautiful grey kitten in the picture below had been torn apart by the other neighbors ridge backs while I was away.  They rushed him to the vets but it was to late. Calling the council tomorrow but not hopeful much will be done.  Im going to go see him tomorrow, say goodbye like I have for every other animal I have owned.  He was a great cat loving and close.  The neighbors responsible haven even bothered to contact us that just makes me angry. So to my kitten GT I love you and miss you already.  Im sorry I failed to prot...

The last couple of days have been hard, my lithium levels are now at .2 and falling kidney function is back to normal.  All good with one exception, I have blocked out what happened to me. I should be angry, I should want to scream from the roof tops, I was 12 hours from dying, but I don't.  I just feel numb.  Please don't get me wrong there is a tension inside, a boiling uncontrolled feeling.  It scares me, I need to bleed. I don't mean to physically cut myself, but to unsettle myself, make myself upset, to release the tension.  My psych is worried I may act out, I am strike out as a release.  Me im worried I will fly into a rage and seriously hurt someone.  Its possible with the past I carry with me.  Its almost like my mind is scared to deal with what has happened. I tried meditation but to no avail, but the tension is showing in my dreams, and ohh god they are shocking right now.  So numb it is but soon real soon I need to bleed I n...

Hi reader; Today isn't great, woke up this way.  Everything feels black even the sun.  I hear the dog's baying for my soul to devour it here in the blackness.  They want to take it all away to make me not exist, to make me a marked one. I have no defense against this, this overwhelming feeling,  I have no way of defending myself about the dark beasts that bay for my destruction.  Its dark hear and the pain unbearable, suicide has been on my mind since I rose.  But I don't think I have the guts to follow through. Makes me feel even more gutless and worthless than I already do. I hate what this does to me another part of me dies today, its worse than death by 1000 cuts. I wonder if I will ever leave this room even today, because right now the idea of going out scares me to death. Horse

I wish I  could I wish I could reach down inside and flick that switch and turn everything nice for me. its been tough.  I have been sad a long time, and more recently I am beginning to user stand why. When I was younger I work for the RFS as a volunteer we were told we would not deal with car accidents just fires.  LIARS.  In twelve months we attended 19 fatalities.  That takes its toll.  Walking down a free way pickup up arms feet fingers.  Lumps of skin you have no idea who they belong to.  And the overpowering sickening smell of alcohol I am permanently damaged from those days, the ones I remember are the ones that took their last breath in my arms nightmares are filled with their images. I dont bang on about it here but please remember there is a man who has to pick up you and your loved one's body parts, remember that some police officer has to make a trip to your house and wake you loved ones to tell them you died on a highway or road...

I have been home a week nearly now and to say I have been unwell mentally is an understatement.  But something happened on Tuesday night into Wednesday that has me on the verge of an extended stay in the psych ward. The long and the short of it I nearly died.  Its why that is complicated and the after affects have been devastating to me. It all started innocent enough.   I was exhausted and as such the voices were there giving me their version of my life.  I took xanax as a normnally do and went to bed.  THats the nornmal part of this story its what happened in the next 10 hours that changed me into a highly medicated person. I awoke some time in the morning with the voices so I went and took more xanax.  What I did not realise is during the next 45 mins I took another 4 full tablets.  (Yes thats enough to kill you) espeically since I had the night befores stll in the system.  I went to sleep and had this amazing dream about all the peo...

Hi; Well last 48 hours havent been great and this morning I swsa struggling to hang on to my life.  I have had bad voices and this has led me to tale xanax.  I knew I had taken to much when my dream only had dead people in it. I became aware I wasn't breathing and what followed for me was the worst nightmare ever.  I tried in vain to get my body to roll over to make me breath.  All the times things in the dream asking me to stay not to go. There was both peace there and panic I was on the verge of death.  The fact I am sill talking at all right now is just chance. 1/2 milligram more and you would have heard about my funeral. Death nearly took me this morning and if I hadn't been aware im sure it wouild have. Im  a little shaken right now,not sure when I will talk about this in the real world but im shaken  thats for sure. Horse

Today marked the end of WWI some 95 years ago.  Our Honored dead are not forgotten, we all in our own way stop for a moment today to take breath and give tribute to the fortitude and sacrifice of these men. They went to war when the world was ruled by empires, and beating the enemy wasn't about taking ground but to run them out of men.  A true meat grinder was the western front, with mud blood and disease.  Against all that is natural in man they went over the top into blinding machine gun fire to face certain death, something that I couldn't even imagine. Although the world has seen the passing of the last veteran their sacrifice means more today than ever, they fought for what was right, and in the end they changed the world forever. I wonder though if at times we forget the free world the lived in, the freedom of travel and ideas, but I transgress.  Today celebrated the 20th anniversary of the re-internment of the unknown soldier at the national war memori...

I was reminded today, of how much we have, how much we take for granted, and the huge cost that it has come at. We in the west have a lifestyle that is unequaled in human history, we live in vast cities, and can travel around the world in hours not days.  We are the most traveled peoples ever. But at what cost? Since the start of the 20th century we were embroiled in conflict after conflict, the first world war saw an old way of life, of royalty and empire thrown against each other.  The huge industrial complexes on each side created a meat grinder when men, flesh and bone were pitted against hot steel.  At the end the west was decimated, the cost in human lives unprecedented in human history.  It carried the catch phrase of the war to end all wars.  Yet it was the peace thrashed out after the first world war, that laid the seeds for a war on a scale we had never seen before. I wont go into the second world war, suffice to say that it was horrific with ent...

As a kid the first time I saw this movie it all but blew me away.  It struggles with complex ideas and scenarios.  It does this the whole while you are lost in the depth of the characters, it was one of the all time great SciFi movies.  The opening scene is amazing and one I can not get out of my head even all these years later. However there is one scene that I find amazing and delivered by the least likely of characters.  I suggest if you haven't seen this movie that you do, in a way it puts things in a different perspective.

If you don't like in depth observations then please don't read this post.  This post is about a lost generation of young men, who are now approaching 40, who have spent their life in silence. What am I on about ?  There are two parts to this blog post, 1 about boys who became men and were same sex attracted and 2 boys who became men carrying a too often deadly illness. I am from both groups, I have an in depth view of what it is like to be in both situations, and I have met online and real life men in both groups.  Below are my observations of those people and my own terrible experiences. The first group, is probably the one that is most unseen.  I grew up in a rural community where adherence to the christian faith and the churches teachings were paramount.  Jokes about gay men were derogatory and often were used to guide someones decision making process.  I went to a catholic secondary school and was active in my community, I had a large group of fri...

This topic has been covered in multiple movies over the years, but it is still something that fascinates me.  Most people think it would be great, and yes it has it pros but it also has its cons. On the pro side, you would get to see history, the passing of great vast amounts of time far beyond that of the human experience.  You could gain huge amounts of financial wealth.  Just the fact that you can live longer than everyone else means you can earn for longer.  Wouldn't it be an amazing thing to wake up tomorrow and say "that last century was amazing".  But to me it would be the attraction of seeing massive changes in the world around me.  Living through and experiencing mans development both good and bad.  Not being able to die would mean you could learn so much, experience so much. There is a bad side.  The hardest one I would think to get used to is that everyone you ever know, friends, lovers etc will all die before you.  Even worse ...