The Old Tin Shed

Im not great today, trigger by events from yesterday, im so angry I dont know how to cope.  Im turning the hatred on myself, because it must be my fault, that it happened. After all I am supposed to be the smart on the one people fear in board rooms, where I can dismantle the most complex stories and show the true meaning behind things.  This gift this ability comes from the illness and I pay for it.  I am sick of taking meds, I think after 10 years I get the right to say that, even though they have paved a better way of life for me, there are times I think I would have been better not being treated at all. I quite simply dont want to be here because yet again when I went to get my medications from the drug store they were denied me.  It was a med I can not do without full stop.  I got it in the end at another drug store but it should never have gotten that far.  I am crippled without my meds and now mentally im crippled when I go to get them expecting ...

Hi all, warning this may end up long.   Then again that seems to be theme with me of late.  I was trolling through my past posts and noticed with great pride that my most popular posts were about my struggle with mental illness.   It seems that others have been reading and in the end that is exactly why I bear my soul here. http://theoldtinshed.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/to-see-into-darkness.html  Above is one of my favorite posts and, has been read a lot by others.  Some of the themes in there I wanted to elaborate on today.  You see the darkness I talk about is not a quantitative thing.  To others it would be a nice place.  But to me its a place that scares me, where the insecurities and evil intent live. Its never a nice place to go or to see.  I have stared at myself in the mirror and what I saw churning beneath the blue eyes really scares me.  If I let it run, if I gave in the fight the outcome for me would not be goo...

This is not a rant, its not something bad that will bore the crap out of you.  Its just some observations after self evaluation again. I havent been that well the last 10 days have had to take some very major steps to keep myself in check, have been to see the doctor and have taken on some extra support.  But I am dealing with it as its happening.  Everyone around me is amazed at how I am keeping myself in check. But this is more about me, and not the illness its more about the observations I have taken since the trip to Brisbane.  I see myself as two different people.  I see the person I show the world, and the person who lives in my world. The person I show the world is controlled, has insight into his world both emotionally and in a general sense. At times it shows the me underneath but only when it can stay in control of the events.  I try my best to be honest with the world, to show the real me.  It has been something I have kind of...

Firstly let me say that what is below was written by me about 5 days before my mental breakdown, that started my journey.  It was posted on a blog at the time, one I have left abandoned, partly to leave that time of my life behind, but also because what was written there was part of my soul that was in anguish and its to easy to re-live those feelings. Now I know in the wake of the last couple of posts that you guys might be getting worried about me.  Yeah I am still hurting and parts of me want to save this but my head says no.  I am in no immediate danger of hurting myself, I am re- posting this to let others know that they are not alone when it comes to mental pain.  Where it was originally posted I had over 500 comments. HERE IS YOUR WARNING THIS IS NOT NICE, IT COULD BE UPSETTING TO SOME PEOPLE, IM NOT JOKING AROUND HERE.  IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES THIS MAY NOT BE FOR YOU TURN BACK NOW. I don't want to wake tomorrow I...

This is going to be one of those meandering posts I have from time to time. I went and saw my psychiatrist today, him and I get on very well.  Our conversations often cross over into mental health theory and treatments.  I recently watched an interview on the ABC about torture and how it effects people.  I ended up coming home with several periodicals and photocopies from reference materials. Its quite funny but i know should he and I ever sit down outside the office we would have the most amazing discussions. So how does this relate to the title of the post.  John made a comment of seeing the damage war and torture do.  We discussed a tipping point, a single event that before that people were normal and after that point are forever damaged.  I made the comment then comes the blackness. For the first time in 4 years I actually started to cry in his office.  Without realizing it I had unsettled myself.  You see...

Nothing cryptic about this posts heading.  I take this type of medication from time to time, and have found it to be extremely useful.  I have posted before about Xanax, which is the branded name of the medication.  I call it my jagged little pill. There is no doubt it helps me, it pulls me back from the frantic panic, and anxiety that, sometimes enters my life.  It restores order and peace to my mind, I feel while under its grip that I can cope that I can deal with the things that led me to take them.  Its a trick, a chemical trick that works well with me.  I only use them sparingly as resistance to the medication comes around easily. So why the Jagged pill.  One of this medications side effects is memory loss.  Its good in some ways bad in others.  An example today would have been I swore my partner had been home, but that was not the case I simply did not remember the way things were laid out. The good side of the memory loss is t...