The Old Tin Shed

Got paid this morning paid all the bills have not a cent left.  Clients owe me money and I have a quote to finish which should bring in money in a couple weeks, But been feeling bad this week taken new anti-biotics since old ones don't work any more, see if they can knock down the cold.  But I just want to not be here today.  I dont want to be breathing I dont want to be even typing this.  Im taking stilnox already taken a valium. Hope I wake in a better state of mind Horse

Meds taken, drugs taking effect nearly time to sleep.  I love this feeling the feeling of being halfway there, lucid enough to think tired enough to imagine.  For me its a mystical time each day, though it lasts for just minutes, I wonder if its what it would feel like at the rapture. Godnight dear reader, I hope you sleep when you get it will be deep and soul replenishing, for now the words ends, but tomorrow, yes tomorrow is another day

Well that really depends on who you are and where in the world you live.  But to the WHO its a pandemic. A world wide pandemic, could see death on a scale not equaled in human history.  There are several virus mutations that could go airborne that would cause carnage on that sort of scale.  Bird flu, and its many variations could prove to be fatal and easily transported.  Reality is our health system simply would collapse under the strain of a pandemic and people will die, not just in 5 and 10's but in the millions.  The spanish flu is a classic example of the death one could cause. The one that has me losing sleep would be a version of ebola.  That is one nasty piece of work with a deadly mortality rate. So how do we protect ourselves ?  The answer is we cant and we don't.  Anything that is airborne has the potential to move rapidly through populations, normally by the time its discovered many are already infected. So what do we...

Well the cars back in the driveway, the mechanic even sorted out my stuck drivers window as part of the deal, apparently if it happens again will need a new motor.  I don't want to own it by then that's for sure.  Will get organized tomorrow and wash, clean and detail the car, take all the crap out of it.  Fix two plastic trim pieces that have come away.  Long day in the car by the looks of things. Then tomorrow list the car and carsales.com.au and gumtree.com.au.  See how we go, hoping to get around $12K that will get me enough to get the car I want.  On another note if I disappear for a couple days its because I am changing ISP.  Over $240 a month to $111.00 a month is a HUGE drop for the same service.  I will be back online after the 23rd should that happen.  I hope it wont, and that I will just have a change in user name and password on the 23rd.  Under a month now and I am 39, gets scary as you get closer.  I already know...

I have stated here a couple of times now about my mental illness and how it has changed my life forever.  Before you read any further I haven't had a great day, but that doesn't make how I feel about medications change. As the header suggested I feel at times I am a slave to my medications, not only having to take them twice a day, but also remember to get scripts when I see the doctors then get those scripts filled. Remember to get new scripts when meds get low, and all the running around that is involved in it.  Every moment of every day is Dependant on the medications. Failure to take them is not an option, even reducing them down below the doses I have now bring about nasty nasty side effects that I simply cannot cope with. But its more than that.  Its this nagging feeling that I know I am addicted to at least 2 medications probably more.  It makes me feel cheap, like some 2 dollar junkie.  I worry about withdrawals. I have had serious withdrawals ...

Just a quick note for those who are wondering, im feeling much better this evening, woke with a migraine, but its gone and so has all the strange feelings from the lack of sleep. Keep smiling

As per my last post, I am struggling for sleep right now.  There appears to be two main factors as to why this is happening. (1)  Full Moon.  Now before you go saying there is no proof the moon has an effect on anything I ask you to consider the following.  Psych departments at hospitals have very heavy traffic in and around the full moon.  Any ER room medic or doctor will tell you the same thing.  In aged care the residents require more one on one care during the full moon.  For me it makes me restless, my dreams are shadows of ghosts and things past.  They are self defeating and soul destroying. Add to that voices and delusions and you are sort of half way there. I know that without the meds I would be in full mania, with delusions, I would be a danger to myself and everyone around me.  My partner normally picks up on the behavior changes then looks up.  It kind of helps me knowing that the feelings I am having and that I am living...

Just had one of those really unpleasant things you get when you take the number of meds I do.  I get trapped between being conscious and being in deep sleep.  I cant wake up and the dream is horrible to say the least. Todays was every time I went to sleep a weight would fall on me and I couldn't breath, I would try to wake, and could just enough to breath then it would happen all over again. Whats weird about todays dream, is its about a place I have been to a 1000 times in my dreams, its normally a happy place but today it was foreboding.  Every time I got close to the house I could not breath.  I could feel this pressure forcing me into the bed. This is part of the reason I don't sleep without medication.  I wake constantly in fear like today.  Its not nice I am screwed up enough without taking some beautiful child hood memories and destroying them in a couple mins ( which felt like hours). Anyway I am off to bed again hope this time the drugs can...