The Old Tin Shed

This post could be either brilliant or just plain out there, as is normal with me so here goes. To get my point across here we need to talk about a couple of theories on the Human mind and what makes as tick.  I will try and make these points as short as possible. Firstly is the idea of "I think therefore I am".  So because we can think about ourselves, others and our surroundings then we have a conscious.  I could write a essay on what it is to be human and how its more than just that statement, and that in our own arrogance we have assumed way to much.  The crucial point for this post is the "I think therefore I am" taken as a literal. Secondly the idea that "I remember so I can learn".  Another fundamental thing that we have assumed makes human beings somehow different from everything else.  Its in this statement that I think we as human being have made a horrible mistake in dealing with mental health. We know we age because of corruption ...

Hey all; Just a warning this will be introspective and probably a bit boring but its how I feel right now.  You see since I had the Lithium scare we have taken into account my PTSD what caused it well there are plenty of things that could have.  Up until now myself and my Psych have decided that it was not causing any major issues and therefore the treatment for the Bipolar more than covered the  PTSD. Im not sure if I mentioned it or not but I ended up back in hospital after a friend called the police after I had threatened repeatedly to end my life.  Police and EMS turned up and didn't give m e much of a choice to be honest.  I did scare the cops when they said with us or them.  I said or I could close the door chain it and slam the 200 pills OI have and by the time I get to hospital I will be dead.  He reached for his tazar, private joke I found funny but he didn't. Anyway the pysch I saw at the hospital had a long talk and read my treatment p...

Im being a bit naughty tonight, no its not yet another hookup for some blindness sex, its something way better. I have my bully staying the night, I will get cuddles and a tongue bath for a wake up in the morning, have a lead here so will walk her when I get up. Been struggling hard this past 4 days and John suggested that having her here might help me.  So although the complex allows dogs the land lord does not.  But for one night at least she can stay here. I have a really tight 6 weeks coming up, im kind of really down over it all.  Its the last of the hangover from the move and will I hope finish an end of having more expenses than income.  I have an advertising plan all sorted and costed just no money to do it.  Im going back to the way I built my first business and its a method that works. More importantly I helped a client make  a smart decision this week, he seems to have some confidence in me again and I hope that means I can make some more...

Today's title was a comment made about how we live our lives on an online forum.  The thread was about what keep people going when they are at the bottom, not the meds not the treatment, but the little things that keep you safe. I hadn't commented till yesterday even though the thread has been active since Feb.  But it reminded me of the little things that keep me going.  My life for the past month has not been easy, I have been studying and getting ready for full time work.  On Tuesday I head south to Brisbane for the 3rd time this year, and to be honest I am anxious about any trip. I can feel myself cycling and believe it or not I am on my way down.  I have been sad a lot in the last couple months, even the me time I have been taking is not enough.  I have lots to be thankful for, I have a great partner, and an ability to help support myself.   But I feel as though I am coming up short.  No matter what I do it will never give me back what ...

This is not a rant, its not something bad that will bore the crap out of you.  Its just some observations after self evaluation again. I havent been that well the last 10 days have had to take some very major steps to keep myself in check, have been to see the doctor and have taken on some extra support.  But I am dealing with it as its happening.  Everyone around me is amazed at how I am keeping myself in check. But this is more about me, and not the illness its more about the observations I have taken since the trip to Brisbane.  I see myself as two different people.  I see the person I show the world, and the person who lives in my world. The person I show the world is controlled, has insight into his world both emotionally and in a general sense. At times it shows the me underneath but only when it can stay in control of the events.  I try my best to be honest with the world, to show the real me.  It has been something I have kind of...

You know I have been sitting here tonight after the last post, taking stock of my life and what I want for myself and my future.  The last couple weeks have been a bit of a watershed for me. You see normally I don't do much for me, I normally get the greatest satisfaction helping others, but this diet has made me see things in a completely different light.  To look at me in a way that I haven't since my late teens early 20's.  Back then I was a well built man blond hair blue eyes and a smile that would melt the hardest heart.  As I have stated things changed for me, and I just went into hiding. What do I mean by that ?  I mean I no longer wanted to be seen for what I was, I was hiding a big secret and that secret was enough to make me not care what happened to me or how I looked.  I grew a beard when that wasn't fashionable and disappeared into food. The diet has made me rethink how I see who I am, I want to be seen a...

Hi all been a few days, just thought I would give you an update on my med status and how I feel in general right now. Firstly let me say that Valdoxan has been a major success for me so far.  The initial agitation and side effects have now passed and I have found that mentally im stronger and able to deal with stress better on this medication. Importantly I feel I have more confidence when things go wrong.  For example my car has an intermittent fault at the moment and its taking a while to locate and fix.  Normally the anxiety associated with this would have me heading for a Xanax.  Instead im cool calm and collected about the whole thing.  Yes I am anxious but its more than manageable. As you will have noted have had a tough couple weeks relationship wise, but we seem to be through it and things have definitely changed for the better between us.  I know a few of my posts during this period h...

Today is a classic example of how unstable I can be at times.  I went to bed early last night (around 11.00pm), with the intention of having a full day of work today.  So the sleep went ok, and I got a lot of research done that I wanted to do.  Was hoping to study today.  But I came to the reality a couple of hours ago, I am never going to finish the study that, no matter how much I ideally want to do it, its just not going to happen. Now I start paying off the debt I have incurred in the idea of studying.  Thing is when I do the work I get High Distinction marks all the way through.  I'm quite good at it.  But I cant be consistent enough to do it.  Not with other things distracting me for my attention.  And the days I can barely function on my own let alone try and take information in. Its this type of destruction that has seen me fail at almost everything I have attempted to do since I was diagnosed. ...

Whats started.  Not something important to others but to me its a major step forward.  It means mentally I have changed position yet again. That is really important in my longer term recovery and understanding of my own illness. So whats started.  I can listen to new music again.  Doesn't sound like much but it is.  Until recently new music made me tense and paranoid.  Then after all the stress of the last week changed me.  Now I crave new sounds new music.  It also has another meaning one that is extremely important to me, it means that I can now enjoy my gaming without having to give it up after 40 minutes. I am becoming the old me, the me that was ok that enjoyed to explore the world around him.  If I gain one more thing back, I will have recovered the parts of me that I wanted back.  That were taken away by the illness and medications.  I just need to be able to write short stories again.  I miss that creative ou...

A little while back I made a post about Stephen Fry and his speech on New Years Eve. He has a documentary on the subject and I strongly suggest that if you havent watched it you do.  Its a wonderful piece that shows with great tenderness and open brutal honesty, what it is like to be Bipolar,  It sets out to and achieves its aim on showing the viewer what it is really like to have the illness and the day to day struggles for those with it and those around them Please take the time, I am more than sure you will enjoy this documentary Secret Life of A Manic Depressive

This is my new years post, dont like it to bad lol... I just watched Stephen Fry live at the Sydney Opera house.  He was candid funny and intelligent.  But he was far more than that he was honest.  He talked in depth about Bipolar and what it is to have it, in a candid way.  It was confronting at times and deeply personal, bordering on uncomfortable for the audience. He was able to describe in detail what it is like to be BP and how devastating it is for those who have it and for those around them.  His honesty about mania, and the things that we think and do when we are unwell was refreshing.   He described having BP as like the weather, you wake up and its raining.  Thats what its like, you cant walk it off you cant think it away its just there.  He describes the actions of one man who was BP.  He was hospitalized, and managed to get away he stepped in front of a truck, it shattered both of his legs.  Steven went to see him ...