The Old Tin Shed

Hi all yes dont all die of shock, I have a second post in a row, yeah it has been a while and im not sure how long I will keep at it other to say that I am having fun. Well today is first day of a new med change.  Serequel a Drug that has served me well for a decade has come to the end of its usefullness for me.  I have developed type 2 Diabetes around its use.  It seems there is a corrolation to its use in high dose to this ailment.  Today is the third try to migrate from it to a drug called abilifi, a well used and well tested anti-psychotic. So last night I took my first pill and dropped the seroquel input by 300mg unfortunately it was not enough.  I was awake a wired most the night.  It did not help I have a server out of action the two stresses fed off each other.   So I have just had about an hour and 45 minutes of sleep feel lots better. So tonight I will drop 600mg of Seroquel and take the abilify I hope its enough and lets me sleep a...

One of the biggest things I deal with daily is paranoia.  Now its not the tin foil hat type the governments watching me.  I know that bits true thanks to Mr Snowden and co.  Its about how I interpret things.  An example of something simple.  Was at the supermarket tonight, I always try and go through the same girl, I find her pleasant and she has always got a friendly smile.  I will often wait a little longer so I can go through her register.  Well tonight as I was walking up she closed her register.  Now a normal person would see that as something simple like she is going on a break or going home.  But to my paranoid mind, its part of a pattern.  A pattern of people not wanting to be around me.  So next thing I am checking my phone to see when last people called me. It escalates from there to sending those I havent heard from this week a text message, trying to find out if I had done something wrong. One thing sets of anoth...

Nothing cryptic about this posts heading.  I take this type of medication from time to time, and have found it to be extremely useful.  I have posted before about Xanax, which is the branded name of the medication.  I call it my jagged little pill. There is no doubt it helps me, it pulls me back from the frantic panic, and anxiety that, sometimes enters my life.  It restores order and peace to my mind, I feel while under its grip that I can cope that I can deal with the things that led me to take them.  Its a trick, a chemical trick that works well with me.  I only use them sparingly as resistance to the medication comes around easily. So why the Jagged pill.  One of this medications side effects is memory loss.  Its good in some ways bad in others.  An example today would have been I swore my partner had been home, but that was not the case I simply did not remember the way things were laid out. The good side of the memory loss is t...

Yeah well this was my 6 week regular visit.  I get along well with my Psychiatrist, we have an understanding about me and my illness.  You see ever since I became sick, I have been willing to go through just about anything to get better. That means a lot of med changes, lots of withdrawal periods where I felt like dog poo.   He made an interesting comment today.  He said "you have been through hell, but you have never lost sight of the single goal to get as well as you can." I appreciate that because it has allowed me to do my job." In a nutshell, that's it isn't it.  That its not just giving up expecting the medications to make you well, its about an attitude and how far are you prepared to go.  The insight I have over my illness is borne of desperation, to be normal. Yuck there's that word.  I'm not normal, but I fit the norm now. We talked about my last post also.  About gain...

I just finished watching Boy Interrupted.  Its a sad and at the same time uplifting exploration into the suicide of a 15 year old boy.  Now we will never ever know what was in his mind when he took the decision to end it,  But his mother said that maybe he had come to the realization that he would never defeat his illness. I have said to many people over the years, that acceptance of your illness is the hardest thing you will ever achieve in your entire life.  The realization that there is no cure. That you will have to take mind altering drugs every day. The realization that you can never ever go back to the time before the illness and that things will be forever changed.   It devastating to realize that you cant be helped.  That no one can reach you when your at the bottom of the pit. You cant tell those around you or you loose them to.  Its hard work to live with someone who suffers from mental illness.  I know I hurt those close to me...