Letter to Dad

Hi all, this post is personal, and I have seen this done elsewhere, and thought it might be a good idea, so here goes.

Dear Dad;

There were lots of things I wanted to say to you, lots of things I wanted to do with you before you passed away.  There were things I wanted to know, about you and your youth, but its now too late for the both of us.

So today I will write this letter to you, to do those things, and although I know you cannot answer me, I will know that you know how I felt about you and how much you meant to me.

I want to say firstly I am sorry.  Im sorry I got angry at you, and refused to speak with you.  I was so upset that you kept things from me.  I felt like you didn't trust me with the truth.  I know now you were trying to protect me, but I couldn't see that then.  I still remember you trying to call me, and me not picking up, for that I am sorry, because we missed out on all those times together.

I am sorry that my mental health caused you such anguish, it was never your fault, you were never to know how to help me with my daemons, even as a child I was far from normal.  The system in that respect failed us both.  You tried your best, and I know that to be true.  You loved me heart and soul, even after the bad things I did.  Even when I came out, you were there for me, you far from failed me, if anything I failed you.

I have some fantastic memories of you, driving buses, trucks etc, doing farm milk collection at night, and the long talks we would have.   I remember in 1997 for new years eve, you and I cooked the BBQ and got blind drunk on a bottle of scotch.  I miss having a drink with you so much.

Im sure right now you would be disappointed in a couple of your friends and the way they have treated me since your passing.  But dad I deserve the way they treat me after all when I was sick I did hurt you very badly.  Something I regret but I cannot take back.  

The last car trip we had you asked me if you had been a good man and a good dad.  The answer was yes and I wasn't just saying that to comfort you.  You were an amazing person, who worked hard to provide for his family.  You worked 2 jobs most your working life just to give us the extra's.  You sold your boat to get me my first computer, you went without for me and for that reason alone you were a fantastic guy.

I know you were disappointed when I came out, not because I was gay, but because there would be no grandchildren, it was hard for me to tell you because of that.  I was so lucky to have you as a dad, you accepted me for who I was sick or otherwise.  You forgave me for things that were unforgivable, and for the first time in my life I realized what unconditional love was.

I just wanted you to know how much you meant to me, and how sad I didnt get to see you in old age,  I love you today as much as I always have and one day when my life is over, I hope to see you again, walk up and say "hey mate whats up".  Missing you always

Stuart