And People Wonder Why
Today is a classic example of how unstable I can be at times. I went to bed early last night (around 11.00pm), with the intention of having a full day of work today. So the sleep went ok, and I got a lot of research done that I wanted to do. Was hoping to study today. But I came to the reality a couple of hours ago, I am never going to finish the study that, no matter how much I ideally want to do it, its just not going to happen.
Now I start paying off the debt I have incurred in the idea of studying. Thing is when I do the work I get High Distinction marks all the way through. I'm quite good at it. But I cant be consistent enough to do it. Not with other things distracting me for my attention. And the days I can barely function on my own let alone try and take information in.
Its this type of destruction that has seen me fail at almost everything I have attempted to do since I was diagnosed. Then people wonder why I get so down, which of course makes it worse. I also have a growing list of things that I must deal with or they are going to come back and bite me. Just the thought of facing any of those right now is enough to put me into a dark place.
Doesn't help when those around you don't understand your limitations. Im expected to do all these things when some day just functioning enough to get by is hard work. At times I feel like it would be easier to fall back into the illness and give up like everyone else does. They are looked after after all. Me I don't have that option. Pretty sure if I took that attitude I would be looking for a roof over my head, and a great list of other things. See I was stupid and moved into a house with someone I was seeing.
A new med entered my domain 2 days ago, to early to say its having any effect, but the hope is it will give me a bit more stability and keep me from this mental hell that is the depression. But its costing me $60.00 a month, so I hope to god it works out for me, least then I might be able to work and make some money to pay for it.
Sorry this post is all sad sack, but its just how I feel right now, trying to get ahead but given a stiff kick every time I stick my head up.
Now I start paying off the debt I have incurred in the idea of studying. Thing is when I do the work I get High Distinction marks all the way through. I'm quite good at it. But I cant be consistent enough to do it. Not with other things distracting me for my attention. And the days I can barely function on my own let alone try and take information in.
Its this type of destruction that has seen me fail at almost everything I have attempted to do since I was diagnosed. Then people wonder why I get so down, which of course makes it worse. I also have a growing list of things that I must deal with or they are going to come back and bite me. Just the thought of facing any of those right now is enough to put me into a dark place.
Doesn't help when those around you don't understand your limitations. Im expected to do all these things when some day just functioning enough to get by is hard work. At times I feel like it would be easier to fall back into the illness and give up like everyone else does. They are looked after after all. Me I don't have that option. Pretty sure if I took that attitude I would be looking for a roof over my head, and a great list of other things. See I was stupid and moved into a house with someone I was seeing.
A new med entered my domain 2 days ago, to early to say its having any effect, but the hope is it will give me a bit more stability and keep me from this mental hell that is the depression. But its costing me $60.00 a month, so I hope to god it works out for me, least then I might be able to work and make some money to pay for it.
Sorry this post is all sad sack, but its just how I feel right now, trying to get ahead but given a stiff kick every time I stick my head up.
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