Regrets, something we all have
Its been a very stressful 24 hours and I am not joking on that front,
more car related issues and only 4 days before I must take it on a
6000km journey. Its called cutting it fine.
But today’s post isn’t about that, its about Regrets. You see as I have gotten older and had this illness longer things that I had forgotten are slowly creeping back. At best I cringe at worst, im terrified of what I did. You see out of control I could and would do just about anything.
I wish somehow I could break from the shackles of these memories to erase them. To take away the hurt I feel about them and the embarrassment I caused myself in the process. Whoever said they could live their lives with no regrets is a far better person than me.
Now I know a lot of what went on was my illness and not the real me, but it scares me that it happened at all. I want to distance myself from them but at the same time I understand that they are part of who I am today, like it or not.
I think the trick will be to accept that those things have happened and move on. I burnt so many people most of who I will never talk to again. I would like to say sorry, but after all that went down I know they would see it as hollow and without meaning. Words can do tremendous damage when used the wrong way, damage that will never heal.
So every time I have a quiet moment and a memory returns I must live through the anxiety that follows. I must also deal with the damage that the memory does to my own ideals of self worth. In all its difficult and hard work, but given time I am sure I will learn to deal with these things also, after all if I don't I can only end up where I started.
But today’s post isn’t about that, its about Regrets. You see as I have gotten older and had this illness longer things that I had forgotten are slowly creeping back. At best I cringe at worst, im terrified of what I did. You see out of control I could and would do just about anything.
I wish somehow I could break from the shackles of these memories to erase them. To take away the hurt I feel about them and the embarrassment I caused myself in the process. Whoever said they could live their lives with no regrets is a far better person than me.
Now I know a lot of what went on was my illness and not the real me, but it scares me that it happened at all. I want to distance myself from them but at the same time I understand that they are part of who I am today, like it or not.
I think the trick will be to accept that those things have happened and move on. I burnt so many people most of who I will never talk to again. I would like to say sorry, but after all that went down I know they would see it as hollow and without meaning. Words can do tremendous damage when used the wrong way, damage that will never heal.
So every time I have a quiet moment and a memory returns I must live through the anxiety that follows. I must also deal with the damage that the memory does to my own ideals of self worth. In all its difficult and hard work, but given time I am sure I will learn to deal with these things also, after all if I don't I can only end up where I started.
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